The Beef with Thine Own

I have this peeve. Now. There are girls who have this aura. They can't seem to protect and handle themselves. And the rose is not a rose unless you slide all the way to its stem. Girls who cannot admit who they are really piss me off. Denying yourself in this day in age is what makes you victim to the very structure. In short, we perpetuate the system we adhere to. But hey, to each his own, right? Fuck, get off my back.

B.S. Dagat

I'm getting quite the thrill when I'm reading all these laws and policies regarding the sea. I think that I will not be giving up on it although I'm still in a shuffle on what exactly it is that I want to study after college. So far, these are my top three choices: economics, sociology and the ever-burning coastal resource management. I would love to take coastal resource management only if it were taught in the Philippines in a more balanced manner-that is, having a healthy mix of the social sciences, resource management and natural sciences. Australia teaches CRM pretty well, in a sense that it has all these elements (according to their curriculum). Sometimes I wish I were born of the haciendero families so that it would not be such a dream to study something that you really love ABROAD. Oh well.

Modern Guilt

People are dying, but I choose to vomit my thoughts.

I have this sinking feeling that this is as good as it gets.
It is good, but it will never reign supreme.
It's that 3 am individualist choice.
It's that one-track mind.
It's that battle for that pedestal-self.
It's that crack in the window, that jagged bit that you need to pass through.
It's that retelling of the succession of events.
It's that feeble smile, waiting for your turn.
It's that present-fu-present-never past.
It's that intellectual hunger.
It's that financial insecurity.
It's that need for that rubbing of elbows.
It's that mediocre tap on the back.
It's everything that is inking its way up.
It's that oil that turns into cold lard.

Into my element

It's 3 in the morning and I can't help but feel nostalgic. Had a wonderful time at the beach, and it made me feel like a human being again, made me realize how life is truly blessed. Can't seem to encroach on my feelings though. I'm still having a hard time trying to free fall. It's like free falling into a cliff that have nets that semi-close that valve you want to just zoom past into. Time to say hello to a wonderful life ahead and goodbye to that story that has to end. Time to make new beach stories.

Gyrate to the natural order

Had a fun night listening to music tonight. Five bands of different genres played, and it was an enriching experience, as people of all ages got together in a quaint place to listen to music and bob their heads to anything that fill their souls. Just wanted to get myself drunk, and it even cost me my health saftey- Mansy fooled me into thinking that she gave me a bottle of beer that was not hers, rather, it was the former table's. Ika nga ni Sir Max, hayok sa inom. I dunno, just haven't been feeling that complete nowadays, and drinking seemed like the perfect mental getaway.

The question is, what is the right way to feel freedom? The good feeling that you get when you are able to do your responsibility? Or is it the feeling that you have when you are feeling like you are in top of the world, carpe diem-like? Or is there a middle-ground for these things? Is there a point when you can actually feel that you are doing something worthwhile while you are doing something responsible?

Come to think of it, I never did think of what would really make me happy.

Graduation Blues

I am like the she-wolf
I broke with the pack
And fled to the mountains
Tired of the plain.

-Alfonsina Storni

I was about to submit this poem alone, when Paco texted that he was done with my write-up. I went to him to get a copy of my write-up, and I felt touched that he took the time to make me my own poem. I remember him reading to me in the sunken garden a long time ago, and this was the first time that I actually received a poem from him especially written for me, using a USB of course. hehe

With Sir's help, (making me report and all) haha, I was able to take a look at Taoism, and it made me realize how it's useless to keep trying to fix myself. Everything is just so magnetized becuase finally, my parents will watch me graduate. What I need to stop doing, though, is procrastinating and sleeping. Somehow I can't help but doze off whenever my back touches the couch. Maybe it's just to convenient to live in Katipunan that I am turning into a lazy bum because I can't seem to get my head on, unlike when I'm commuting and need to make sure I'm wide awake as to avoid getting mugged.

I miss hanging out and not persecuting myself. haha Let it flow, leave the guilt! :D

Gotta put my jigsaw into place. Gotta come up with my own puzzle. Gotta stop bending backwards.

I cannot comment on the piece of beauty in fear of
One snip, one clip, one zip
I cannot appreciate the feeling of mere sound
Else I falsely interpret the content
Nope, not that, must be something else [affirmation]
Can't I gyrate in pronunciation in my own melody
Surrounding myself with melody beat listeners
Who see, speak, hear no evil, ready to come face-to-face
With evil itself, the sheer gut of unwavering existence
I miss these pedestal places, these pieces of prowess
I must come out clean

Zenlike Lunatics

There are just some people who are out rightly verbose, and that is just the way they are. There are those that prefer to keep silent, like wallflowers, but in actuality, they are those that are snickering in the back of everyone else's back, laughing at the absurdity of all that is happening, taking note of all the zooms and bangs and crashes, and like some indifferent sons-of-bitches laughing their heads off. And there are those that are taken-in-quick, lost in all the flurry, and it is those people that are great targets for angst. These places in space are interchangeable, and after finding yourself in one or more out of these seemingly unstable situations, you can't help but feel the moment, you can't help but feel victim to certain circumstances, but after getting into that cycle, you just realize how pathetic it is to actually keep holding on, but can't wipe of that silly grin on your face knowing that you have sensually enjoyed the joyride, and realize that it all will be a blur, so the wisest thing to do is immerse yourself in the acid but keeping a thin line of thread hanging on to your head.

Had a talk with my friend about how he finds it odious to follow values that he has not carefully examined. I guess we have all been victims of that, I know that I have, but certain themes that are appearing in my life have reinforced the need for careful examination. Well, there's that small problem of my big boo-boo, but there is also that great question of living certain lifestyles that would suit your values or things that are of utmost importance to you.

I believe in the process of destruction and recreation. I believe in the process of keeping that old, rotten characteristic of yours. It is now that I realize that I do not believe in clean slates. There is no clean slate. Once you decide on something, the residue will haunt you. And that residue need not maintain its characteristic. What it can do is to magically change its form into something that is more flourishingly progressive.

It felt empty having to discuss meaning with yourself everyday. But once you hit the a-ha! button of OH-MY-GOD what was I thinking? and realize how meaning is derived not out of sparring with it in the space within the recesses of your brain, nor releasing it into the wild and having it set free out of its leash, but actually finding it in more claustrophobic places like that seemingly mundane walk of yours towards the foot bridge, by golly, I believe that it is then that you have achieved mental absolution.

Thank god for thesis and antithesis!

Somehow I am feeling like everything has been drained out of my system, and I cannot find the energy to do things. Talked to my mom over cake, and I kept mentioning how I am finding it difficult to find myself in things that I am currently involved in, in connections that I am part of. There's this feeling in my stomach, and I guess it is literally translating into something unpleasant because I am feeling acidic all over. I do not feel any gusto, and it makes me want to reset my life and clean my slate for the sake of knowing myself again. My mom suggested that I try meditating more often, and how I should reflect by my lonesome. That would be a good suggestion, if not only for the fact that I have been spending a lot of time by myself and even in those moments I cannot organize myself. The only tempting thing to do is to disassociate myself from a lot of things. I cannot find myself in anything, and it really is tiring.