Never tried placing myself in my sister's shoes. She's been bearing the brunt of the family in ways that I can only imagine theoretically doing. It seems like the natural thing to do nowadays, anyway. Haven't had much confidence in myself lately. Probably has to do with the fact that I can't get myself to concentrate on the things I want, and I'm getting ahead of myself when it comes to planning for lazy days. Don't want to start the year off with a negative vibe, though..Trying to surround myself with people who understand what I'm going through or have ready-to-use affirmation phrasebooks when it comes to careers. Should probably listen to other people more instead of running to the same watering hole every time I get into these situations. Time to make milestones that will change other people's tracks instead feeling my way into the next years.

This Year's Unfinished Business

This has got to be the most horrible year of my post-college days. Everything is LINGERING. Paco's law career, my mother and father's on and off relationship, my sister's unstable residency, hope for studying abroad. Everything is in its maybe phase. I wish I could move on from this year, and bring people around me to realize the same thing. Going home to this house makes me sick. My mother's unkempt overall looks, her seemingly nonchalant view about this, her adamant I'm-the-victim stance. It makes me look at my life, and how I am juggling to respond to these unfortunate situations by being a proactive daughter. And all I get is rejection from both sides, both unwilling to make anything work out. Makes me realize how I have been wasting my time trying to make people hope, when I can't get myself to go out there and reach for my own dreams. Funny how people with seemingly small brains and negative attitudes will make it out alive. I was sad upon hearing that people want her out of PGH. But reflecting on her attitude to everything around her, I think that if and when she gets kicked out, I hope she realizes how not everything in this world is handed on a silver platter. She is so negative and unforgiving, and like my mom, they both feed on their anger. Not claiming to be a devout person of some sort. Just makes me wonder how they can ever make it out alive each day by dwelling on the past.

airport blues

I'm sitting here waiting for my plane. I'm going to an unfamiliar place, and it's funny how I'm still doing the same thing for another institution. Last night, I hung out with my high school friends, and it felt refreshing. It reminds me of how I was before college, before LM, before all the pressure. Sure, the three of us are undergoing pressure in one way or the other. One's struggling to graduate from law school, another's trying to free herself from the shackles of clannish relatives, and well, there's this shit with my career.

I regularly reflect on the many different aspects of life, and I recognize that I might have been ungrateful these past years. Several blessings have come my way, and I might not have fully realized this. Mom is fully recovered, I have an amazing friend and partner, I finished my degree, and I managed to save some cash.

I guess I should start putting blinders on so I can just keep steering my life in a general direction. Sure, I can't become a doctor, marine biologist or artist anymore. But I can stay out of trouble, and just keep doing whatever it is I am doing. I'm sure something's bound to come my way. I mean, I have been telling the world to pass the ball! I have been open to insights, opportunities, signs, patterns related to my career.

I guess I'm not doing bad; I just wish I did better. I'm just waiting for my plane.

first day high

Too dazed to start writing again. Today felt new, felt like I really wrote something useful. Before starting on the documents Dr. Magno gave me, might as well just do some loosey-goosey nonsense blab.

I went to work really early, like 7:45. Maybe it was the guilt of not visitng DLSU ever since that strategic planning in Orchid Garden. Took a quick smoke, and felt like the rush of people along Vito Cruz was a productive kind of rush. Went to McDo, students were still pretty chill. Saw a bunch of old people in polo-barongs hanging around. Seemed like they were professors in DLSU.

Went inside at around five minutes to 8. Walked sloooowly. Slowly enough to make me feel that someone was going to arrive before me. I was actually dreading this because it meant hanging around the campus, with possible awkward looks from hipster students.

I spent the whole day in DLSU. It felt nice being around young people. My sister picked me up, and we talked about finally getting a condo in Manila. I hope I get to experience Manila like I was able to experience Katipunan. Maybe I'll discover something nice about myself through the surroundings.

***

Lately, the more I offer things up to any deity in my head, the more liberated I feel, and oddly, the more emotional. I have offered up everything this year. Decisions, career and relationships. Especially the fate of our family, which has been showing signs of fatigue. Everyone is strained, and I have been trying to make them realize that maybe it's about context. Everyone feels like the victim.

I have offered my individuality up to any deity in my head, I mumble several skeleton prayers I learned in my catholic highschool. I repeat it until I am a bit confident that my day will be okay. That I will not encounter people who are out to hurt me. That I will make brave decisions. That I will love myself more before going to bed.

I realize that growing up is all about being plain, translucent, light.

***

I hope tomorrow makes me meet people who see the same gold around, so I don't have to make them see. My boss gave me something today that I treasure. Trust. I hope to keep it.

***

Barf

when i analyze it i just want to throw up. that's right, you know what this is about.

trying to fall in love after 25 years

Lately it's been a battle of hormones and whatever's left of my ambitious self. I find myself trying to be more emo, trying to find something to be excited about. Having had one milestone for the year, I am now trying to squeeze out some nice things with ALL the possibilities. I mean, the fact that there ARE possibilities makes me hope. Someting totally unexpected can happen, I realize, when you are just about to sit back and kick off your shoes.

Yesterday, I was with my close friend. We decided to go to this college event was hosted by our school org. The night was pretty interesting, I saw two old friends. And it hit me, life will be pretty fair to you at a unexpected time. In this case, during a time when I thought I had repressed most undesirable memories.

But the night turned out ok. It made me feel likeable. It's a vague feeling, but it hasn't shown up on my doorstep for a long time. And I felt that I could actually do it alone. Thank you.

Test time's approaching quick, and I find myself still lounging. I've felt day-to-day for the past month, and it has a lot to do with being unable to look beyond this coming Tuesday. I know deep in my heart that my fate lies in the hands of three people who can just do the thumbs up/down. My anxiety will gather into thirty minutes of talking to these three people. And after that, I have no idea where to throw myself at, because frankly, I have graduated from feeling like I need to matter-load on anything, someone, something.

I spoke to my friend in high school in this exact place. I asked her what she was doing. She said "freelance" on point, as if she was asked the same question a million times and finally decided to cut the conversation with one word. Pretty clever of her, I must say-it's difficult trying to explain what exactly you're doing with your life without judgement, even if it seems like you're pretty much on track.

Clean breaks. I have to learn how to do that. I should stop being so scared.