Is there no other criticism left for kids like me
You scream of feminism, postmodernism and
Throw in a bit of post-structuralism and
My vagina still don't feel at home
With either of these isms. It just feels
Taut, ready for action but at the same time dry
It don't want to be called slut nor Penelope
This pussy
Why don't you answer with something more satiable
When the most marginal is put on the pedestal
Why don't you throw in another school of thought
A school of pussy for the pussy
My vagina still don't feel at home
A school for the women of the 21st century!
It's all that we're good for anyway
Recall, revolt, counter.
How dare you say that you don't want any
Why we can make these lips smile, thank you very much
It reaches a pseudo-climax, one that can almost do
Recall, revolt, counter.
You can put those pencils back in your pockets
"How the hell do you propose to end these meanderings?"
You ask. "Never mind, we're too busy bitching away."

Para sa Darna na Kinakarma

Having been born with a rock in my mouth
Bitter, irregular, something worth
Spitting-out, but nevertheless
It stayed, hung-out

I swallowed it but did not turn into a beauty
I choked barely accommodating the jaggedness
Somehow it prophesied the rest of life's coloring book
And left me to skim through its pages mumbling

They say the world needs a savior
Someone who'll verbose themselves into
Power, into that type of prestige
When they can't even utter words that
Ultimately mean, "Why not join me
For a drink, a meal, you look
Exhausted." The pink suits you fine, emphasizes
Your high cheek bones but it makes me look
Like a clown, nor does gray suit your head's patches
I thought you wanted a different effect.

Ironically, we are all tainted with white-
Rather, it taunts us, white whose bosoms exude salvation
It makes me feel quite gravid really, not in the prolific
Sense, but impregnated with something that I'll have to
Shit instead

Exuberance
Preponderance of something great
That hope for the seemingly better
That hope for the audaciously sane

Slumber and everything
Betrothed to it
But the choice lies on
These wide-eyed depths
Consciously paddling through
These waves of stubborn crests

The choice to open the eyes
Despite the stabbing rain
To inhale the putrid and toxic
Back-alley smells, tastes
To open the arms and legs for
Hearts to bend, hearts to mend

Yo-ho-ho

Intrigued by the hype, I started reading up on Twilight, and I did not really like it. Anyway, Christmas is just around the corner, and I have developed this middle feeling, wherein I can wear this type of glasses that give everyone a tint of gray. Spent most of the day sleeping, and I had a really sad dream, the type that makes you feel so sad that you might have thought you were crying in your sleep. When I woke up, my nose felt all stuffy, and I started crying. It involved my present issue, and it's keeping me in this drowsy state. I wish that I were still in that age where a really good gift could keep my head above the water.

All that is organic is put to the test. The four year test, the parental suicide test, the lover-be-mine test. The most dreadful feeling comes when the organic is turned orgasmic due to its obsequious nature. It turns gravid but is rendered prolific, just as a pregnant woman releases its offspring into the world. And the most romantic feeling comes from learning that it is not all over yet, just when one was ready to throw it out of the window, that sudden halt, that rush of blood to the head solidifies and turns into lucid bliss.

Yeah this is a propaganda waiting to burst.

The Invisible Hand

The day's itinerary haunts me in my sleep
Should've done this, should've done that
Words that cut painfully against one's cheek
With a snap of a finger, the room's bright light shines
Excuse me, I say. Have a little decency
I like happiness only when it is served on a silver platter
My single, silver platter.
That single-serving happiness
No dinner, no thanks.
Resilience has grown from my heart
To my stomach and further down.

One thing leads to the next

Saw my palanca buddy a while ago, and it felt like shit having to reflect on my own mediocre life. I will have to face the consequences of hiding from the muck of the city because I finally feel that I have to face it head on. Time to put away some things that compromise me! :o

The Interzone

I miss my spacious room bwahaha. Anyway, it has been a long time since I stayed home, I think I was growing mushrooms on my head in that unit of ours. BURN IT TO THE GROUND says it, but I did not heed it. Just finished transcribing some marvelous interviews, and keeping the ball rolling for my thesis is making me happy. Asked mom to accompany me to Roxas Boulevard because I don't know where the hell DENR is. Hehe I'm such a clueless brat. Will be accompanying her to far-flungs soon anyways. Hope I can get my hands on the mangrove manuscript of forester peras, I think it'll give me a clearer view of the mind-set of people in Barangay Cawayan ang Ungos. (Although it pains me to think of Dr. Salvador raising questions that pertain to OSTROM arrgh) Anyhoe, gotta shape up on Thursday because my history grades are hilarious. Honestly, I am BAD when it comes to details, no need to day honestly because it's pretty obvious. Just finished watching Naked Lunch, and it was more discombobulating than Donnie Darko (although it made use of weird animals, this time insects). Burroughs has a warped mind, and I wish I can be as ironed out so I can be transcendental. Hohum wish I had a less-scary interzone, well sort of have it when the clock strikes 2 am.

I imagined that I would open mind doors when I was around twelve years old, and I imagined that marking a thought, bookmarking it in my head could allow the older me to go back whenever it was possible. I drew about this in my philo class one day, and it looke like floating doors in blackness and me opening up to another me; they were acquainted but were still timidly trying to understand one another. The younger would usually shout "hello!" first because the older was usually trapped in some sort of emo dilemma or would be entangled in a web of adult complexities.

I think I'll give it a try one of these days.

RAK NA RAKKKKKKK

Kathy Acker

Yoddle yoddle

Before I plunge into the structured world, I'd like to fly across this space and consume the time that has been set for me to do so. In approximately an hour or so, I will have to force myself to study. These past few months have been good to me, too good that I sense impending mediocrity. I am anxious about how life will be treating me come March, and it seems that I will have to control my inclination to magnify everything. Honestly, I am so fucking bored right now, bored out of my fucking wits. Can't do anything extreme because of financial constraints, and I just content myself that I have the internet. Hohum, what excites me the most is the fact that weekends allow for me to go to different places, that is, so I can gather data for my thesis. I am excited by the prospect of traveling to UP Los Banos this Saturday, it's something that pierces this balloon of hot, stuffy air I find myself in.

And what scares me the most is how I cannot afford to break off the boredom and entertain dread (fast-forwarded) because I have to get that diploma to embrace my grubby, greedy hands because I'm fed up with shit (although not in an explicit manner) of how everything is getting too close and reminding me of how I should have already graduated.

It's funny how I worked on dropping accounting, lightning-fast. I think I do a pretty mean show when it comes to eliminating and disinfecting myself from things that cause me hives.

But there are some things I would allow to linger.

Had coffee with my blockmate this afternoon, and it was something enjoyable because it reminded me of the times I spent with Pat. This was the first time in my senior year when I had a smoke with a good friend. They are in the same org, after all, and it just shows how I gravitate to certain types of people. And while I was ranting about someone, she said I reminded her of Daria. Haha

Which makes me a bigot. Yeahp, that's me.

Honestly, I just hate how accommodating I am. It's something I want to purge out of my system. I miss how selfish I was in high school, where it did not border on being fuck-mean, but was more of the self-interest-type of shield.

Ladeeda

I am sleepy. I will go to Quezon in a few hours. I hope I can keep my head on and review what I need to know for thesis. My head feels heavy, and I hope I can make the most out of my trip. I miss Paco. Hi Paco! I wish I had more money. I hope I can read some Atonement on the bus. I love bus rides. Hope I can catch some sleep though. Hope Kat and I can bond. I will print out my resumes like mad. I will look for a job on Thursday morning. I have to finish that venture proposal. I have to start my Western lit paper. I have to read for Philippine lit. I have to photocopy history readings in SOM. I need to run my flabby thighs out.

Magbubukas ako ng bintana bukas, para saan? Di ko rin alam, delikado 'to, pero gagawin ko, hindo dahil naiinis ako, pero dahil gusto ko naman makaramdam ng ibang emosyon! Sawa na akong tumungo sa mga bagay na hindi gawa ng daloy pero bugso ng kamay. Eksperimento? Oo, nababaliw na nga siguro ako, pero okey lang, ganyan naman talaga ang pinanggalingan ko. Kung kaya't ako'y tatawa bukas at sana naman may sakit na pumiglas dyan, kahit saan.

With all the afters after ...
I hoped I would verbose myself into space
But surprisingly I am plagiarized
Devoured to the core,
I find myself reading one of yours
I feel this strangely nostalgic vibe
And I ask, "Is this one of yours?"

Exit wounds

After five agonizing years, I will have to face up to the challenge of detaching myself from whine-y ties that pull me in all directions because as the smart fagot would say, "Panahon na para ilabas ang aking mahiwagang salamin. " Welcome back, fucker. Time to face yourself again after four hypocritical years of masochistic self-battering-cowardice in its purest form. Having mastered the skill of shoving the "I" box into moldy closet spaces to make way for "responsibility" rendered by rowing in that river, I am faced with a blank look from someone not-so-socialized, not so dipped in the muck of the city.

Three more months-time to get critical, baby. Choose your cards well.

Naisip ko lang nung sinabi ni Sir Max na kulang ang LM sa grand vision, buhay ko rin kulang sa grand vision. 'Di ko madefine sarili ko sa mundong ito, and napagmuni-munihan ko na shet, kaya ko binobombard sarili ko sa mga putanginang minor kasi hinuhugot ko lang ang konting importansya sa sarili ko. I'm so fucking middle, and I cannot even define myself. So time-out muna ako sa lofty lofty with others, lofty muna sa sarili kasi hindi ko na talaga makilala sarili ko.

I should find more feeling persons.

I woke up with a sinking feeling in my chest, and I think it was because of the mood swings I was having before sleeping. Yesser, it's a never-ending cycle of lofty carousing. And try as I might, I will have to accept that it fails to reign supreme in every aspect of my life. I just wish it could stay for a while, for a cup of coffee in some places.

Second Semester

Goals:

No compromise
Study without emotional connection
Praise the Pedestal-self
No utang, no freeload, no free time
Accommodate the need to be
Be good to self: run, fuck run! yoga
Socialize
Act like a feather duster: Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster
Lazy is welcome ANYTIME
Dirty white lies are welcome
Alone times are welcome 24/7

ayoko pa mag isip bukas kasi hindi ko pa nadudukot pagkababae ko (wag ka bastos) putangina when it hits the ceiling it hits it pretty damn hard hindi ko man lang naaruga sarili ko hindi talaga masasabi na kumpleto na lahat may mga kailangan pagtrabahuan kaso ang kinakatakot ko lang baka ako mismo mapagod sa sarili ko at hindi mapwersa na gumalaw na oo malungkot pero wala akong pakialam ulit numbness time sorry nagaaral kasi ako eh fuck kung ginastos ko kalahati ng oras kong panis para sa aral siguro cum laude na ako kaya sa totoo lang abiso sa lahat at palatandaan sa sarili huwag bumigay sa kompromiso

Glitter

I've been postponing writing this in fear of jinxing everything. Honestly, these past few days have been delightful. I know I can be pessimistic with a snap of a finger, but in retrospect, I'm glad I went to war, and am glad I've been through it. I remember thinking of this day, and thinking that I would be cutting ties soon, but some people know me too well, and are correct in saying that this is exactly what I live for, and would otherwise die without it. Glitter is all around, and listening to Backyards makes this three o'clock moment not an individualist choice, but a seriously humbling moment to be alive.

Been chatting with one of my closest friends, and we agreed that being super happy is something scary in itself, the feeling of hitting rock bottom lingers in the air. But maybe that feeling is amplified because in reality, people are scared of being happy. Come to think of it, I don't want to be scared of being happy. This is, I believe, one of the days when I can say that nostalgia-all that glitter-butterflies in the stomach mixes into a hodgepodge of happy. I've always mixed nostalgia with regret, and maybe I had to go through that regret so I can fully savor this glitter.

Just finished packing some stuff, had a nice chat with Cong and how he's getting a move on with his life. He'll be cooking for a cruise ship, and I'm excited for him, even if deep in my heart I'd want to do something as bold and as daring as that. And while we were chatting, Ja asked if I was still going to Dumaguete. I'll be staying by myself in Dumaguete for one day, and it'll be a blast having my old friend wander and get drunk in Dumaguete. Haha, hope we find some familiar faces over there. I'll ask for Cha's number from Iya in case we get so bored that we have to go and look for some company. But I think haha we'll be pretty much wooed by some company considering Ja will be with me, tipong medyo boy magnet. Haha. Not in the mood to sleep yet, but it's a good feeling that I'll be spending the sembreak in places close to my heart.

Yeah, so sue me, I just read The Unbearable Lightness of Being a few days ago. The question that colors my every move is whether or not I would like to live this life in weight or lightness. Now, it would be terrific to have a piece of lightness because I really feel bogged down by the world. There are devils prancing about in my head, and it honestly feels like shit. If I just had witnessed the world in continuous glitter, I would have regarded Manapla as my mecca. I do not feel home in any aspect of my life right now, and that itch is working itself up to my subconscious. Thanks, thanks for the instability, the enigma, the I-can't-seem-to-get-my-hands-on-you, the time constraint, thanks thanks thanks can I please let go now?

Angst and all that crap

Before I venture out into the unknown, I would like to rant my ass off. I feel under in all the fucking aspects of my life, and maybe in this delirious state my mind would clarify, and take me into the oblivion I have been yearning for. I read this Cosmo article about appreciating the dark side in you, and fuck, I would like to believe that even if I feel so angsty and feisty right now, I will not regret it because it will help me keep my head above the water for the next few months. I have this fucking, nagging feeling that I want to rid myself of all the things that are causing me hives, and I seemingly do not give much shit about anything. I do not feel lovable, and I do not feel anything at all. I am sorry it happened, I am sorry for every motherfucking thing that happened. I will have to decide motherfucking soon whether all these strings I am tugging at still make sense to me, or maybe the strings are the ones taking full control of me. Puppet-wise, I do not know what makes me move. Better cut off those strings so I can do a soul-searching relief goods operation on myself. Bow.

Boils Down, Vaporized

My head feels heavy, and I've been drinking water like crazy. Maybe it's because of the lowered resistance last week, but then, why me?! Honestly, I can think of a thousand reasons why it should be me. And it all boils down to the sublime.

Will be journeying to Bacolod alone, and to Dumaguete alone. Hope Janina's brother takes me in. Haha. This is something that I have been yearning for, for the last three years, travelling alone, and writing profusely on my journal.

Would you rather surround yourself with roses, toughies
When you know that deep inside you're a santan
A toughie whose rrroots reach reggae depths

I think not, I yearn
For fools, pools of eternal swimmers
They say our generation spells of doom

Well,
You're not getting younger
And we're not getting older

Strings

Of that library, I rendered two-thirds of myself
In murky, moldy places, I took them with me
But never in active pursuit, with people whose
Voice block the melodies I fight for,
Everyday

The Emptiness I am so familiar with
Holds its offering, on bended knee
It has grown weary searching the leaves
Whose folds I brazenly embraced

Dare I say no-
Calls all the risk of the two-thirds it holds
Haughtily on its palm, [smirking]
I tug on its string

Just some thoughts

I'm studying public management, and I just wanted to reflect on my leadership style. A couple of people mentioned that I was pretty diplomatic, and I can't wait to graduate because I am getting hives. This is "me" as a leader, but this is not the "me" I want to be in other aspects. I've turned soft, and I am bothered by the thought that I will have to decide on certain things during the semestral break which includes noting down my non-negotiables for life during the second semester.

Hope my defense turns out fine... After that we'll probably be scheduling my field research. Hope it doesn't fall on a date that I plan to go to Dumaguete, by hook or by crook. 25-30, those magical days. hehe. Hope my research starts right after induction, around 20 to 25. :D

The head-hurting that arises from the aquarium

I was talking to my friends over free water, and it seems that there is no space to breathe because of the dubious air. I managed to distinguish coupling throughout shared experiences, but what I do not understand is the active coupling, and sometimes it really makes me sick. Sometimes I wish I were so oblivious that I do not have to think of these things, and it just burdens me even more that I can manage to put my unsolicited analysis and make connections. However, I can also choose to take matters playfully, but I guess the nerve that is being pinched is how I value my feminist values, and sorry, I will be very blunt about this because it's in my blood.

Dwellings destroyed, brothers betray, and it will all go haywire soon. What's funny is how satirical these things will all seem right after college. And it will all be a joyride then, because some burden will be lifted off my back.

Seemingly

I do not feel very stable tonight
I feel the need to let go of security, of familiarity, that
place devoid of scrutiny, that
security blanket sheltered with hope
teeming with life, I do not
feel that, but what I feel is tethered

In all pretenses, I work like a horse, trying to
catch my breath and yours. I cannot stop
I recall the things I need to sow. I
start to begrudge myself. I
spit on the ground and trip on my own feet. I
cannot feel any rhythm with the field. I just
feel like it has used me, this land. This
field I am supposed to be galloping on.

The Whines that Bind/We're Fated to Pretend

When I get drunk, there are times where I find myself ogling at my decisions, asking myself what the hell I was thinking. Most of the time alcohol makes you want to reclaim yourself, and when you're out and down and depleted, you just want to go to the beach and pick up bits and pieces of yourself. There are things running around my head that sometimes scare me as well, but I can't help thinking about it. I've seen the interplay of pheromones and surprisingly, even with alcohol, my third eye continues to work. I'm sensitive but not extra-sensitive. Haha. And for a while there, I just wanted to throw the laptop in the air and see who would catch it. I miss the good old days. How untimely.

Anthems For a Seventeen Year Old Girl

I should be sleeping so I can wake up early for my philo test tomorrow. RIght now, I'm having this sudden burst of nostalgia. I had been in s suspended-island-mode, and it made me we realize that there is so much that can still happen. And I know that I missed the feeling of being angry, but right now, I just want to entertain the glitter in the air that I choose not to see each day. I strangely miss being emotional and writing in my journal about my dreams, the things worth celebrating, the dancing-in-the-field. I miss the innocence of dancing in the rain. It's sad that I have become cynical that I have forgotten about those that really matter to me. I guess the senior year has really pushed me to juggle things that I have forgotten my ties with people who really matter to me. I used to think how it was melodramatic for people to say HOY MAGPAKITA KA NAMAN. But I guess the sheer beauty of friendships is something that withers if not properly watered and nurtured. I'm not blaming anyone or anything because it was my choice to take up all these things. I just miss the innocence of brainless fun and cherishing moments in places that scream of sisterhood.

And one more thing, if the Southern part has its radar, I have my fucking radar that detects people like that three, four, five years ago. Admittedly, I have gone through that stage, and realizations just keep seeping in when the light's not directed at you.

Womyn Whines-Wins

Had a talk with my mom over a hungover brunch. I kept on ranting about something, a recent occurrence that managed to piss me off, and I kept on bitching about it. I also made the disclaimer that maybe the attitude was something that arose from an irrational anger on thine own. But, as my mother succinctly put it, "You're not angry because of the situation, you're angry because you think like a feminist. You do not like the way * represents women, nor do you think it helpful for *'s attitude to give way to that present notion of women. * can do what it wants, but its doing's implication is what's bugging you." And it struck me like thunder, because I cannot believe * would actually stoop to that level. Or maybe it has been such a long time I was exposed to their kind.

Thanks mom, I needed that.

WTF.

Someone told me recently told me that the reason he took up law was, "Kaya ko kasi." Three short motherfucking alliterated words. Made me think about how I settled for substandard anything.

Watched the aquarium again, and it made me think of how ridiculously funny people can get when they're drunk. And how radars really go off when alcohol entertains the braincells (or is it the other way around?)

Alcohol makes me think of how there is no one really there to take care of your emotions but yourself. That's because everything underneath you is not seen on your pupils.

Last Wednesday, there was a JVP recruitment talk, and I missed it because I had to study, etc. Being in Manila, in all honesty, has made me dry, shallow and hopeless. I am looking forward to that Back-to-Bacolod in November, and even if it'll open up more scars and scabs, it's something I'm willing to do so I can clear my head.

Shit this is the worst time to free fall into that mode. I should be keeping my drive should be at least in 2nd gear and nothing seems to keep me on the track even even that plaid im entering this emo fucking mode, more like what happened to me mode i miss the old times where i was keeping my head above the water but was experimenting all the while now i just feel so plain like a plain fucking plain jane i used to be mary jane but now i am a plain jane i want to shove responsibility in its own face i can't even get out of my mediocrity when can i learn to forgive myself when all the time is wasted and i find myself dazed and confused and shit i miss those spontaneous walks down a dark alley where spontaneity exceeds my lungs and is reciprocated by a willing victim ironic as it may seem i find no dark places of comfort i just want to rediscover myself but cannot fall victim again i've used up all my free cuts in life and for what for something more i hope so i hope i hope but i cannot seem to kick myself fast enough because i start floating away i wish someone could push me out of this gas chamber-slumber willing to dance to dance to no beat to every beat

Kinababaliwan

We're Looking for Lot of Love- Hot Chip . Petik mode
Ticking-Pin Me Down . Cram mode
Women We Haven't Met Yet- Minus the Bear . Far future mode
Tessellate-Tokyo Police Club. Hobo beat mode
Nature of the Experiment-Tokyo Police Club. Old school vibe
Kingfisher Demo-Meligrove Band. 3 am individualist choice mode
BBBicycles-The Bicycles. Red Horse Street Trip mode
Shades of Red and Blue-Peter Project. Hifhaf gradeschool mode
A Manner to Act- Ra Ra Ra Riot. 3 am individualist mode
Starts off with a Bang-Mobius Band. Far future mode




Pwedeng pwede pang-aral at pangchill

Tinawag ako ni Tolentino at Pinaharap sa Mahiwagang Salamin

Kanina sa kalse ay pinaguusapan namin si Marcel at ang kanyang ideya ng pagkakahawig ng pananampalataya at pag-asa. Ipinaliwanag niya na ang pag-asa ay nakabuo sa pagsabi ng, "Inaasahan Kita", na mayroong patungkol sa dalawang nilalang na nagbibigay ng isang daang porsyento sa isa't-isa. Pinasok niya rin dito ang salitang tapat, kung saan ito ang kilos ng isang relasyon. Umiikot ang mga konsepto sa ulo ko, at dahil maaga ang klase (7:30) at medyo kulang ako sa tulog, inaantok pa ako at hindi kayang bigyang paliwanag ang sarili ko. Tinawag ako ni Sir Roy, at kahit na paos siya dahil sa Philosophy Convention ay parang umalingawngaw ang malaki niyang boses sa pandinig ko. Tinanong niya, "MON, IKAW, TAPAT KA BA?" At noon ay parang sinampal ako ng malupit sa mukha at muli akong nabalik sa aking kinauupuan.

Para gawing maikli ang kwento, hindi ko nasagot maayos ang tanong. At sa tingin ko, hindi ko pa din ayos ang aking katapatan sa mga tao. Kaya nalungkot ako, kasi ang mali talaga ng tayming ng mga bagay-bagay :(

The reason why I can't bloom

I recently had the urge to dance, and bobbing my head to my own rhythm seems like the most natural thing in the world. I decided to observe the aquarium last weekend, and I eventually did not feel anything but comic relief.

Means lang yan beybe

So the stirring begins. And it is never going to fucking end unless I give myself that fucking importance kasi ang baba ng tingin ko sa putanginang sarili ko. That disjoint feeling may come from the fact that the nicotine in my brain has cleared up. And it's still an everlasting sucky feeling because of the trajectories we're in. And so fucking what if my trajectory is not a trajectory but a fucking crossword puzzle? At least it's my fucking crossword puzzle. And who the fuck am I kidding when I think that this is going to be alright? And who the fuck am I kidding when I think that anybody cares about that fucking trajectory? I'm headed towards plain jane-ville, and I can't fucking accept it. I want to kick myself hard and quick so I can wake up from this fucking slumber. And I will not accept the fact and the reality that is being shoved into my fucking throat: the reality that I will have to smile at someone else's FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENTS WHILE I SETTLE FOR MEAGER pats-on-the-fucking-back. I miss being selfish and angry at least I had some work done and some self-importance to fall back on. What's funnier is how that distorted shit-view that you're-doing-alright is perpetuated by people who have a fucking clear idea that you-look-a-wee-bit-dazzled-beybe but make the effort of saying how you are doing fine. Standards were created by the world, beybe, and it doesn't help giving out that condescending look. Does not help, at all.

Lymphomania

I am currently feeling under the weather. These stupid lymph nodes made me realize how extremely messed up my thinking process is, and how I have never really given thought on how to entertain my happiness. During these times, it is soooooooooooo tempting to let go of everything. Not just yet, not just yet!

The Beef with Thine Own

I have this peeve. Now. There are girls who have this aura. They can't seem to protect and handle themselves. And the rose is not a rose unless you slide all the way to its stem. Girls who cannot admit who they are really piss me off. Denying yourself in this day in age is what makes you victim to the very structure. In short, we perpetuate the system we adhere to. But hey, to each his own, right? Fuck, get off my back.

B.S. Dagat

I'm getting quite the thrill when I'm reading all these laws and policies regarding the sea. I think that I will not be giving up on it although I'm still in a shuffle on what exactly it is that I want to study after college. So far, these are my top three choices: economics, sociology and the ever-burning coastal resource management. I would love to take coastal resource management only if it were taught in the Philippines in a more balanced manner-that is, having a healthy mix of the social sciences, resource management and natural sciences. Australia teaches CRM pretty well, in a sense that it has all these elements (according to their curriculum). Sometimes I wish I were born of the haciendero families so that it would not be such a dream to study something that you really love ABROAD. Oh well.

Modern Guilt

People are dying, but I choose to vomit my thoughts.

I have this sinking feeling that this is as good as it gets.
It is good, but it will never reign supreme.
It's that 3 am individualist choice.
It's that one-track mind.
It's that battle for that pedestal-self.
It's that crack in the window, that jagged bit that you need to pass through.
It's that retelling of the succession of events.
It's that feeble smile, waiting for your turn.
It's that present-fu-present-never past.
It's that intellectual hunger.
It's that financial insecurity.
It's that need for that rubbing of elbows.
It's that mediocre tap on the back.
It's everything that is inking its way up.
It's that oil that turns into cold lard.

Into my element

It's 3 in the morning and I can't help but feel nostalgic. Had a wonderful time at the beach, and it made me feel like a human being again, made me realize how life is truly blessed. Can't seem to encroach on my feelings though. I'm still having a hard time trying to free fall. It's like free falling into a cliff that have nets that semi-close that valve you want to just zoom past into. Time to say hello to a wonderful life ahead and goodbye to that story that has to end. Time to make new beach stories.

Gyrate to the natural order

Had a fun night listening to music tonight. Five bands of different genres played, and it was an enriching experience, as people of all ages got together in a quaint place to listen to music and bob their heads to anything that fill their souls. Just wanted to get myself drunk, and it even cost me my health saftey- Mansy fooled me into thinking that she gave me a bottle of beer that was not hers, rather, it was the former table's. Ika nga ni Sir Max, hayok sa inom. I dunno, just haven't been feeling that complete nowadays, and drinking seemed like the perfect mental getaway.

The question is, what is the right way to feel freedom? The good feeling that you get when you are able to do your responsibility? Or is it the feeling that you have when you are feeling like you are in top of the world, carpe diem-like? Or is there a middle-ground for these things? Is there a point when you can actually feel that you are doing something worthwhile while you are doing something responsible?

Come to think of it, I never did think of what would really make me happy.

Graduation Blues

I am like the she-wolf
I broke with the pack
And fled to the mountains
Tired of the plain.

-Alfonsina Storni

I was about to submit this poem alone, when Paco texted that he was done with my write-up. I went to him to get a copy of my write-up, and I felt touched that he took the time to make me my own poem. I remember him reading to me in the sunken garden a long time ago, and this was the first time that I actually received a poem from him especially written for me, using a USB of course. hehe

With Sir's help, (making me report and all) haha, I was able to take a look at Taoism, and it made me realize how it's useless to keep trying to fix myself. Everything is just so magnetized becuase finally, my parents will watch me graduate. What I need to stop doing, though, is procrastinating and sleeping. Somehow I can't help but doze off whenever my back touches the couch. Maybe it's just to convenient to live in Katipunan that I am turning into a lazy bum because I can't seem to get my head on, unlike when I'm commuting and need to make sure I'm wide awake as to avoid getting mugged.

I miss hanging out and not persecuting myself. haha Let it flow, leave the guilt! :D

Gotta put my jigsaw into place. Gotta come up with my own puzzle. Gotta stop bending backwards.

I cannot comment on the piece of beauty in fear of
One snip, one clip, one zip
I cannot appreciate the feeling of mere sound
Else I falsely interpret the content
Nope, not that, must be something else [affirmation]
Can't I gyrate in pronunciation in my own melody
Surrounding myself with melody beat listeners
Who see, speak, hear no evil, ready to come face-to-face
With evil itself, the sheer gut of unwavering existence
I miss these pedestal places, these pieces of prowess
I must come out clean

Zenlike Lunatics

There are just some people who are out rightly verbose, and that is just the way they are. There are those that prefer to keep silent, like wallflowers, but in actuality, they are those that are snickering in the back of everyone else's back, laughing at the absurdity of all that is happening, taking note of all the zooms and bangs and crashes, and like some indifferent sons-of-bitches laughing their heads off. And there are those that are taken-in-quick, lost in all the flurry, and it is those people that are great targets for angst. These places in space are interchangeable, and after finding yourself in one or more out of these seemingly unstable situations, you can't help but feel the moment, you can't help but feel victim to certain circumstances, but after getting into that cycle, you just realize how pathetic it is to actually keep holding on, but can't wipe of that silly grin on your face knowing that you have sensually enjoyed the joyride, and realize that it all will be a blur, so the wisest thing to do is immerse yourself in the acid but keeping a thin line of thread hanging on to your head.

Had a talk with my friend about how he finds it odious to follow values that he has not carefully examined. I guess we have all been victims of that, I know that I have, but certain themes that are appearing in my life have reinforced the need for careful examination. Well, there's that small problem of my big boo-boo, but there is also that great question of living certain lifestyles that would suit your values or things that are of utmost importance to you.

I believe in the process of destruction and recreation. I believe in the process of keeping that old, rotten characteristic of yours. It is now that I realize that I do not believe in clean slates. There is no clean slate. Once you decide on something, the residue will haunt you. And that residue need not maintain its characteristic. What it can do is to magically change its form into something that is more flourishingly progressive.

It felt empty having to discuss meaning with yourself everyday. But once you hit the a-ha! button of OH-MY-GOD what was I thinking? and realize how meaning is derived not out of sparring with it in the space within the recesses of your brain, nor releasing it into the wild and having it set free out of its leash, but actually finding it in more claustrophobic places like that seemingly mundane walk of yours towards the foot bridge, by golly, I believe that it is then that you have achieved mental absolution.

Thank god for thesis and antithesis!

Somehow I am feeling like everything has been drained out of my system, and I cannot find the energy to do things. Talked to my mom over cake, and I kept mentioning how I am finding it difficult to find myself in things that I am currently involved in, in connections that I am part of. There's this feeling in my stomach, and I guess it is literally translating into something unpleasant because I am feeling acidic all over. I do not feel any gusto, and it makes me want to reset my life and clean my slate for the sake of knowing myself again. My mom suggested that I try meditating more often, and how I should reflect by my lonesome. That would be a good suggestion, if not only for the fact that I have been spending a lot of time by myself and even in those moments I cannot organize myself. The only tempting thing to do is to disassociate myself from a lot of things. I cannot find myself in anything, and it really is tiring.

Limelight

One of the most meaningful nights in the past two years took place last night. Something that I could not fully express due to reasons that imposition-is-just-not-my-style-like have been realized by another, and it just put the connection a notch higher. I've written about it in my journal, but the sheer beauty of the moment cannot be put into a mere narration of events (as what I did during Unson's class for the sake of NOT forgetting it), which is what I am doing now, so as not to forget.

So what.

Staying in Katipunan is one thing, being left to think about where your life is going is another. Recently, running has been my activity, and I can think of anything and everything. After running, my mind is alert, and it stays that way until the wee hours of the morning, which is sad because even while sleeping, I dream of everything that has kept me worried for the last four years.

Months of endless troubleshooting is causing me to not care, and it is scary because I actually find myself laughing at things I should be giving importance to. Maybe it's because in my head, there is nothing really that serious to take seriously right now. I don't know, I just don't care much about anything or anyone right now, and it is friggin' hilarious.

If you want to shout out to the world, but stopped suddenly, you want to crawl back into your conch and become a hermit. You want to rely on the hands of time to get you through the day, you want the earth to rumble so you can travel to whichever god-forsaken place you need to be. And somehow you just can't get out of yourself for another person, and it sucks like hell because you wanted it to be perfect, but it all goes back to the cycle of wanting-not receiving-not giving.

Brain-spaces

Had butterflies in my stomach one night, but I sink in despair of thinking that I am becoming insensitive, not thinking of that person in that light. With the air of the sea taking me to places in a year, and with the mundane pulling me in another direction, and with family ties-whines pulling my left foot, and my own selfish womyn-whims pulling at my other, I am scared that expectation has gone down the drain while I was imitating the Gwyneth-Sylvia-moment in the bathtub. And it goes to crazytown as I ponder on whether he still thinks about me in that way.

Just had a soulful night; and I almost didn't have it. I was motivated to clean the dirty clean kitchen in our house. I thought of how the kitchen was under-utilized. The oven is barely-used, the counter-tops are just storage spaces. No kitchen-activity going on, all right. Then I think about what people would think when they saw this kitchen. It looked splendid in a sense that it might have come from an interior design magazine, but it was just that. I ended up hating it as connections with the moral disorder would just arise.

Xandro called me up one evening. It was during the day when I texted him that I was staying in Katipunan because of my load. Thinking about the Xandro-Claire tandem gives me goosebumps. In a bad and good way; they have this certain lifestyle that it also characteristic of the Tiglao family, and it makes me feel comfortable but distressed as well; I don't know if I share this view with anyone. I want to be independent soon, and I can't help but feel like scrutiny will pounce on me in places seemingly familiar. HMM.. :(

Just can't get enough of that hair

I must be in love with myself as I close one door, open the other

Just had coffee with my family, and I am still head-hurting because of the things that I have to do. I miss being outrightly verbose but unthinking. I am not a person of intellect, and I would rather give in to feeling more than anything else. Here I am again, in the twilight zone, loving every minute of it. I will miss this place because I will have to let go of it sooner than imagined. My body is weary but my spirit is playful. My mind is alert but in a rut.

Wrecking my nerves for something that I fear
Dread, dread, here it comes again, like my
Consistent messing of my clothes neatly
Stacked up,
Fucked up.
I thirst for that batting of the eyelash
That clink of the glass
That unscheduled caress

Maybe next time.

Here's to us

Sa mga pagkakataon na gusto mo makahanap ng maliit na bagay na pagkasiyahan, bigla nalang mapupuno ng kemikal utak mo at babalik ka nanaman sa square one. Medyo lumilipad ako kahit ang dami-daming kailangan gawin. Eto nanaman ako na walang mahawakan. Parang buhay ko nalang ay magcross-out ng bagay-bagay at mag-troubleshoot ng mga pagkakamali. Kailangan ko mag-aral nagyon pero hindi na ata muna ako bibigay sa kastressan na ayun. Nakakatuwa nagtext si Sir Jonas na despidida for Sir Ian! Yay makikita ko ulit AC TAEK!!!

Compromised

I'm just so tired of not being able to appreciate blank paper. I'm tired of filling out the silence. I'm tired of riding the highway to something that can be at the very least considered "worthy" in the future. I cannot breathe in these moments, and I am feeling less of myself these days. I miss having fire burn in my belly, and having that fire radiate that people can't help but desire me. I have emotionally prepared myself not to expect anything this year, but at the same time add some spice to the relationship I should have been nurturing in the first place-my relationship with myself.

A Mix of Sun and Cloud

I should be waking up really fucking early tomorrow, and I guess it's good that I will be doing so. I am feeling the itch of reading up again, and I hate that it that I do not have cash to entertain this whim. I am so middle right now I can puke. The question is, how to tattle without being on the hit list. I want to stay in a cafe tomorrow and vomit something good, lest I end up consumed again. I will have to plant something that I can look back on. I feel the buzz, but I fizzle out completely.

Underwater Cinematographer

Nakakaadik tong Underwater Cinematographer na album ng The Most Serene Republic. Shit medyo naguguluhan ako sa gagawin ko after college, tamang nostalgia lang binibigay sa akin ng mga kanta dito, kasi parang naalala ko na gusto ko talaga tumungo sa dagat. Pero hindi ko mapiglasan yung pangangailangan na matuwa sa akin ang mundo. Sabi ng nanay ko kagabi na lagi ko daw iniisip yung gusto ng iba na hindi ko nabibigyang panahon tingnan yung gusto ko talaga. Tapos kagabi minail na ako ni Sir Leland kung ano na gusto ko gawin after college. The reality is sinking in. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko sumali ng mga projects on the environment pero gusto ko talaga makapasok ng UNDP. Sabi ni Tita Rencee, magmasters daw muna ako tapos magdirect application sa UN. Shemay. Kakapalan ko na mukha ko. Kailangan ko din bumitaw sa mga ibang bagay para mahanap talaga sarili ko. Ang tagal ko na ito pinag-iisipan pero hindi ko mahanap sarili ko. Yung alam ko lang na sigurado ay hindi ko ata hiwalayin ang dagat at ang mga gagawin ko sa buhay.

Summer dust bunnies

Amidst the hustle and bustle of never-ending paperwork, I find myself lost in a flurry of feelings, I must admit, most of them coming from the deeper recesses of my gut, some feelings that are just resurfacing but have been gaining momentum. I am grieving, but I cannot explain how it is erratically making itself known. It gushes like the second day at times, but is shy and pitter-patters like the fifth and even sixth day at times as well. There are just some types of music that unlock that emotion, and you can't help but feel like you're in an experimental song dodging the percussions that are coming out of nowhere.

Goal-setting.. sa buhay ko

Hmm kanina, iniisip ko na hindi sapat na may gusto akong pruwebahan sa kapatid ko para magpursigi.. dapat may shiznit punishment and reward system din. If I make good sa year na ito, I promise myself that I will climb a major climb (na hindi ako TL) AT magso-solid na beach for two weeks, aside from the small beach trips na a-arrange ng aking friendlies. That should be a good reward for a grueling year.

two weeks selfish time beach
two weeks hardcore climb
family beach
sama-sama beach
one week dumaguete save-the-marine-animals
one week beach sa negros getting-to know-my-fellow-alumni

Puppy Eyes

Can you fault me for feeling relentless
That I can throw away this pounded heart
Disconnected, yet beating in small yelps
Missing the manic, mimicking the good old days of
Fools. Fools that I yearn for, pools of eternal swimmers

In ecstasy of you, I turn rabid at the sight of you
But I easily slam unto a glass wall of tasted bitterness
Tested bitterness. My rationality did not keep its alarm
And I paw for you, in hopes that leaving an imprint
Ignites anything, indulges, excites even
You for the puppy I'm trying to be.

Last night I felt that I was in my suspended mode again. After drinking 2 stallions, the inner horse in me started galloping, and the feeling of having difficulty taking your pants off just before slumber reminded of the endless days I battled with apparel. Or having to answer to your mom with brief syllables like "o" to say "oo", or the lazier version "M". It's all good though, but I must admit that I have been drinking heavily these past few days, and I guess it's because of all the hard-hitting news that's being shoved into my throat.

It's funny how I used to think that I am a perpetual slacker because no one in the world was ever that encouraging. But it seems as if god took note of this, as those who should be the ones I supposedly trust are those that have actually betrayed me and have fueled my desire.

Graduation

It has been a long time since I decided to scribble again, and I don't know if that time apart has done me good, because like certain relationships, leaving and becoming too cold makes the connection break and having barely enough to hold on to. The band Stars reminds me of cherished moments with my favorite things, those times when femininity and innocence blended into the perfect mix of lofty happiness. I used to think that something was perpetually wrong with me, but it is in these days that I realize that I am the perfect result of women's moral disorder. I should be hating myself right now, and initially, I have. But the feeling enveloping me is how the world might have to accept that only a revolution against the condition will lessen sad, sad, offspring.

It seems like cosmo makes sense

Desire and that petty nudge I get from feeling webbed
The go or stay flux, that never-ending swimming in hot or cold
Leaving me for tepid, not even warm, not even at all
That static in the air has blown up into mold, that stuffy old
Mold, those that befriend dust bunnies, dust men at the peak of isolation

May iba nanaman ako nararamdaman kapag bumabalik sa maynila. Parang hindi ko mahawakan ang mga tao na nakakasalamuha ko. Gusto ko na bumitaw kasi hindi ako natutuwa sa kinagagalawan ko, pero ika nga naman ni mama walang mangyayari kung hindi maghihirap at magsisimula sa maliit. Pero sa panahong ito, kahit mga taong dapat malapit sa puso ko hindi ko makunan ng inspirasyon na maging magaling, mas lalo ko pang nararamdaman na walang kwenta ako at hindi ko alam kung bakit. Ayoko na sumunod sa kahit anong sabihin nila at ayaw ko na sumagot sa bawat tanong o obserbasyon. Hindi ko alam kung ngayon lang ako naapektohan sa mga pangyayari pero parang may nawawala, at ang malabo dito, parang ayaw ko pa hawakan ng mas mahigpit ang mga tinuturing malapit sa akin. Gusto ko munang mapag-isa, at hindi ko din naman kasi makunan ng katotohanan sila. Ewan ko lang.

sabi kanina ni ate norie, "mon u look depressed." fuck, ganon na ba ka-sabog itsura ko? anyway, i can't help but feel down right now, ang shit ng nararamdaman ko. ang dami kong pinagpalit sa mga iba't-ibang bagay at medyo hindi ko alam kung tama tong mga pinagagawa ko. i should be resting my brain right now, but i can't help but think until i feel bad and sleep it all off, thus rendering me unproductive and boring. i have this perpetual feeling that i am forever waiting for something or someone. i don't really understand it, but when i look at how things wallow at home, i can't help but feel more sordidly unstable. hindi ako makagalaw sa mundo ko ngayon, i feel like i built poles around me without meaning to. kailangan ko ng baklasin tong mga shit ideas, shit mundane things that i think i have to be so i can be happy. here i am on a friday night at home, loser-like, riled-up against some invisible enemy.

for once i want to feel that i am doing something on my own accord. fuck what the hell is making me stop moving. i hate thinking about other peoples' feelings. never felt like they cared much about mine anyway.

Been drowning myself in beach-like sounds, my mind's going haywire again, could this be a rush of blood to the southern part of my body, and if minus the bear, would i dare survive? if this means i wanluvyu do i keep on drowning myself in the same loud noises? if i dare neuroticize will i see you by my side? or is it just the way it goes, i can never fully reveal myself to you because we will never roll down the same hill together because i went up the other way. or do i just pretend i don't hear the futile futile sounds of murmurings, that smile, that taking it all in. but sometimes i cannot take it all in. N! i shout jokingly, but then again i do not know what i want yet. i could follow that same path, and kill my soul. i should've been prettily waiting and ready for domestication 101, but i dare not. i will not succumb to the idea because i have grasped my wheel a long time before i even had the idea. then again, this ain't no surfin' movie, but it ain't no sex in the city. i may be a waste of time. honestly, you may choose not to wait for me, and it's fine. nitro might just set in soon, and i'll be by your side.

Sarili

Nararamdaman ko nananman na nagiging chess piece lang ako sa buhay ko ngayon. Sarap bumitaw sa mga bagay at kunin ang nararapat. Pwede ba, sa mga taong akalang buong buo na sila, sa akin lang, marami ka pang kakaining bigas, kaya putangina, dumihan mo muna kamay mo.

sira ulo time

Oh my, oh my. Sumasakit dibdib ko at kailangan ko na ng dagat-dagatan bago tuluyang malanta na ako. Kailangan ko ng breath of fresh air. I am tired of reacting to circumstances, things that are beyond my control, things that are in hands of other people. I guess it's time to listen to myself before I reach rock bottom. Dagat en drink. The perfect combination.

nakakatawa

nagtaxi ako pauwi kanina tapos may babaeng naghihintay ng taxi sa daan. nilapitan niya yung taxi tapos nun niya lang ako nakita. sabi ng mata niya, "oh shit", tapos parang sine, slow-mo, nabasa ko bibig niya, sabi "AY MAY TAO PALA" putek nakakatawa noh, may mga bagay sa mundo na kailangan mo paalalahanan sarili mo at pagsabihan sarili mo OUT LOUD. Note to self: move it, bitch.

putaena ang inet

hillbilly lowlife time motherfuckers!

daydream mode, tralalalala

Just watched My Blueberry Nights days ago, and it's still giving me goosebumps. Alam mo iya, tama talga si sir leland. Pag may mga bagay na effort masyado, baka hindi siya sign na success! Haha, kaya diskartehan nalang natin mundo in the rolling-stone-kind-of-way. Anyway, yun na siguro ang aking present mind-set. Kanina habang umiinom ng tubig, nag-iisip ako ng mga gimik na pwedeng magpabuo sa sarili ulit. Takte, ououtdoor na uli ako. Tagal ko nawala sa scene na 'yan. Haha, fieldwork fun, meron naman, pero no nonsense, sheer pain for pleasure fun, wala. Haha, teka lang Gracian Lopeaz-Jaena, babalikan ko kayo in a while. :) Nakikinig ako ng Pachuca Sunrise, at putakte, can't wait to go to the beach.

Things that excite me right now:
1. The idea of wallclimbing again
2. dagat-dagatan
3. The idea of selling my drusmet
4. The idea of getting drunk like hell in the beach very,very, soon
5. The idea of cleaning up my act

rolling stone

my love beads can't take me anywhere. i'm stuck in a rut, but what's funny and eternally confusing for me is that i made this decision of scrambling my life and letting close-to-home struggles get the better of me. but profuse justifications won't take me anywhere, and my rolling stone just isn't budging. here i am, back in square one, razzled, dazzled, fazzled, but on a clean, empty slate. i hate myself for being a hillbilly, and i can't blame anyone else in this fucking place, but my chromosomal preferences. i hate being a bum, but i have to slap myself on the face soon so i can finally get it on, instead of vomiting on someone who shows me the least bit of affection.

Transitory

As I looked outside the window, I realized how this was something I should be getting used to. I guess what someone said was right, something like how the woman's soul is restless or how it takes forever to attain a certain kind of peace. If it'll take me forever to burn, I might as well enjoy it and not let anyone burn with me. I have been through hell these past years, and it might be too optimistic of me to hope that in the next decades, I will be happy and contented. Might as well see it in that light. Whooooo. What a joyride.

signs of the times

Gusto ko magpagupit ngayon, napakainit at naiinis na ako sa mahabang buhok at lahat ng napakaloob dito. Ang dami kong shit na nababasa about the woman's condition, naiinis na ako sa lahat lalo na kitang-kita ko sa paligid yung mga bullshit na nagyayari. I think that I can never fully accept things around me, and it's better if I don't vomit on anyone. So paalam muna. Time-out muna ako dyan.

Fantine

Time is gold, and I'm not going to waste anyone's time, including mine. Shadows of the loaf-bringer man are becoming more evident, and I'm not going to fall for another moral disorder. If I'm feeling this unwanted now, in ten year's time, I could end up wallowing in the same disgust in front of the dining table, only in the limelight. They say that habits form a person, and I don't think I'd want to habitually want to feel this insignificant, this parcel of something that can be included. For god's sake, I used to be a star in another's window of meaning, and I let it go. I could have been a masochist for so long, I don't remember the last time it felt good having to write as honestly as I can. They say shit happens, but when the doggie shits, it's probably diarrhea.

Angst child part two

What's funny is how I knew this was going to happen. And what's funnier is how it opened my eyes to commitment, and how it sometimes leads to life-long mistakes. I drew that refuge house more than a decade ago, and it is up to me to make it happen. I promised her that, and I'm going to make it happen. And I can't afford to mess up for the second time because of my emotions because I need to fucking support myself first. I am lounging in my state-of-war, but I can't let it linger for long. So I am going to have to look at myself in the mirror long and hard, so I can finally make a deal with myself on how I am going to have to change certain priorities in life. Instability now meets with reality. The twenty-something needs to jump decades. Shit does happen.

Yes, now I understand the thirst for 2010

My, my, my. What else can this world offer for the next year? Transition stage, once again. When will it end?

PAG AKO DI PA UMAKYAT MAMATAY NA YATA AKO.. o.a.

PUTANGINAAAAAAAAAAAAA NGAYON KO LANG NARAMDAMAN. MEDYO MALUNGKOT NA, AS IN, ANG TAGAL KO NA HINDI UMAAKYAT :( NAGING MANILENYA NA AKONG PUTA! SO yun lang, habang papalapit na ng papalapit ang emancipation from this semester, mas lalong nangangati ang talampakan ko umoutdoor at makasama ang mga da best na tao sa mundo. Walang hiya, para na akong blankong papel, boring, boring, boring. Hindi ko pa nadadala kamera ko sa bundok. HAYOP! HAYOP talaga tong mundo kapag nilulunod ka sa gawain. Kailangan ko na uli maramdaman ang di maligo at kumain ng masarap atbp! LINTEK! Nasan na ang aking kalayaan hindi na laya to kundi pagpapanggap na okey lang na maging MANILENYA! Punyemas! Hindi ako sanay! Lulubusin ko sa April hanggan hindi ako makahinga, tapos, uuwi ako ng malupit sa NEGROS para mabuhay ulit emosyon at spirito ko. TAKTE I NEED TO COLOR MY FUCKING INSIDES AND OUTSIDES!

Never Again, When will I Learn

Hay nako may mga bagay talaga na hindi na ako matututo panghabang-buhay. Juskopo! Ayaw ko na maging maid/nanny/shiznit kahit kelan sa buhay ko! Hindi na makatwiran! Maalaala mo kaya.. haha. Oh well. Malapit na din ako kumalas salamat sa Diyos.

Itchy itchy woody woody

Oh mehn, dami kong gagawin dapat ngayon pero I choose not to. HAHA
Things that get me excited:

1. April recreation mode "in general"
2. The need to learn russian and spanish
3. The idea of wanting to try out working for a newspaper for two years
4. The idea of people like radmila lazic and charles bukowski
5. The idea of meeting people at the beach
6. The idea of getting that coastal resource management certificate
7. The idea of going to Silliman very, very soon

BAD ASS TIME!

the 100th blog post.. tandananan

Shit. Today, I realized that people around me are really seriously thinking about motherhood. Not that I don't want to be one in the distant future, but I really see it in their eyes that it would be a disaster if they didn't become one. I mean, I also think about what it would be like to have kids, and how I should deal with them. But it's a far memory I'd rather choose to think about when the time is right. Maybe this is a sign of an aberration... Or maybe I'm still just in my selfish, exploratory, adventurous stage that I'd rather cultivate me first so I can share a lot of things to my future offspring. Agh. Or mayber, I'm just not good with kids. Hmm. I'd like to think that I'm patient with them, but maybe I'm still just a kid myself. Haha :)

It's in the air, people.

Yep, I promised myself I won't get jealous. But it is becoming more evident that if there's a will, there's a way. Maybe my knowledge of not being reciprocated in our high school English class just goes to show that I have been numb all these years, and surprisingly, have been number throughout the years. What's funny is that, I'm beginning to not care about not caring, and I'm just following wherever the wind is taking me. I think this has something to do with my apple juice moment, wherein I had this sinking feeling that futility and worrying about it is taking too much of my precious freedom. I am feeling better about myself, and more confident that even if I cannot be dependent right now, I'm going to have to learn the good side of it later in life. At least I'm optimistic about it. :)

Lahat talaga may punto

GERA
Sa halabira na nangyayari sa ngayon, malalaman mo na ang lahat talaga ay may punto. Yung nakakatawa lang talaga, may mga panahon na hndi mo na nakikilala ang mga kausap mong tao. Nagiging halimaw sa harap mo. Yung nakakabagot pa ay yung mga galit na matagal na nakatago, parang nabubulok sa isipan. Pag nilabas, nagiging isang malaking kaputahan. Mayroong mga bagong pangyayari, at mayroong bagong mga kalinawan. Pero meron din talagang mga bulok, bulok, bulok na kalechehan. Putangina. Note to self: Gumera kung kailangan. Pero, gumera sa tamang lugar. Kung hindi tamang lugar at hindi pantay-pantay na karapatan, putangina, piliting siksikin ang diplomasya.

RESPETO
Yan naman ata ang tema sa buhay na kailangan panindigan ng tao. Resperto sa tao, sa gamit, sa pagiging indibidwal. At ang paglalaban sa bawat karapatan ay magkakaroon din ng mga susunod na epekto. Mayroon ding karapatan na matatapakan. Hindi lahat matutuwa sa desisyon mo, pero putang ina, respeto din sa desisyon ng karamihan. Yun naman yata ang esensya ng demokrasya.

IDEALISTIKO
Sa aking palagay, ang kulang sa putanginang mundo ay ang pagiging idealistiko. Kasi kung bumaba na yon, wala ng standard. Putek, kaya nga may mga hinahangaan tayong tao at kinamumuhian. Kasi may mga magagandang bagay na gusto mo gayahin at patunayang kayang gawing katotohanan. Kaya putangina, pag tinira ang pagiging idealistiko, tangina. Tingnan mo nalang kung saan ka pupulutin. Yun naman talaga ang kundisyon ng humanidades, patunayan na kayang maging malapit sa idealistiko ang mundong puno ng kaputahan.

IDEALISTIKO: RESPETO PAGKATAPOS GUMERA
Tama ka kaibigan, nang sinabi mo na kahit may gera, pagkatapos ng duguan na labanan, ang
gusto mo maranasan ay makainuman pa rin ang mga sinampal sampal mo sa labanan. Pero ewan ko, baka idealistiko lang itong mga sinasabi ko.

Rally dito, rally dun

Kasama ko kanina nanay ko nagrally sa paseo. Tapos andun yung mga tito ko na kinalakihan ko na rin. Yung asawa ng tito ko, bata-bata pa, mga 28. Kami yung magkausap kasi kami yung medyo magka-vibe. Kumabaga, pareho kaming galit sa konyo. Haha. :D Laftrip siya, tinatawag niyang garrison yung St. Scho kasi nagbabalatkayong tibak, eh pag dating naman sa pagturo sa mga bata konserbatibo pa rin. Kaya umalis siya. Para siyang yung pinoy version ni Julia Roberts sa isang sine na sinusubukang palawakin isip nung mga tinuturuan niyo, pero nakalaban yung administrasyon ng skwelahan. Kahit paminsan mukhang uber tibak niya, nakakatuwa kasi meron pa ring taong marunong umalma. Kwento ng nanay ko na nakita niya si Teddy Casino kanina. PUTEKKKK!!! Kung andun ako at nakita ko siya, magpapapicture ako sa tabi niya pramis! Tapos, may bigla nalang tumapik sa akin yun pala si Rissa Jopson. Nakakatuwa! :D

Pag ang inaasahan mo ay 7up, malamig, manamis-namis at nakakikilig na inumin ay hindi pala seven up kung hindi tubig, oo, nakakapawi ng uhaw, pero masakit sa panlasa at parang may kulang pa rin. Sino ba ang nagkasala? Ang pangnanais mo ng makatikim ng manamis-namis na likido o ang pagkabigo sa iyo ng IL YA na nasa basong yaon?

May I please rant.

There is something that I cannot put into words, something that has been rotting in my brain for a long time. I have been feeling nauseous for the past years, and it comes with the feeling that I am doing something terribly wrong. I cannot ride the happy train, something must change! I need to overhaul myself, I cannot keep on pretending that everything is going smoothly because frankly, I cannot ride my own fucking train because of the people in it, plus I cannot even hold on to the fucking rail myself. The need to overhaul myself screams and slams and imposes its brooding presence on me. The need to smile sends small implosions up in my brain, and it is making my head hurt. And what's worse is that I cannot even explain it to people "close" to me.

People can be assholes sometimes, more often than not.

Find that line

Amusing but boring. Do I rouse anything but suspicion? If you always get up late, you'll never be on time. There's always an excuse when you need one, so get up earlier. What a public opinion floating up in the air. Pulled back when needed, but never pulled back inwards. Write down those thoughts motherfucker. Orgasmic. Substitution at its finest. Need to explode in that month, reverberate.

Calling the shots II

uppercut their chins, poke their question-marked eyes,
scratch their pockmarked faces quizzically looking at
trouble, or of another name, tagged, blundered, passively-boxed,
something rendered
escaped from their loose minds, these barely audible quips.
these floating cages naturally deceptive at first, taken for protean salutes.
but really is more of the procrustean type in their subconscious minds.
those innocent gazes, that which has been unmasked by its..........
millisecond stay
, revealing its dubious undertaking.

Absolutely. Pissed.

My ovulation (I would like to think) dictates my mood. Despite of the fairly okay things that has been happening, I feel the need to mess things up. I am currently hating the circumstances I'm finding myself in. Sometimes, I feel that determinism is futile. I think that it has something to do with the fact that I absolutely feel the need to make decisions based on opposite sides of the spectrum. I just cannot take any form of dualism at all. I guess this is where the war I keep waging in my head, (mostly with myself) comes from. In high school, someone once commented that I had a gray area. I don't know how she concluded that. Neither do I know if that has something to do with my present mind-set. It is the fucking human condition, and it is my fucking obsession. What's ironic is, however I try to put myself in one extreme, I find myself magnetized, and seemingly middle again. And after a few moments of contemplation, I realize that I am the greatest bigot of all. It is logical to produce boxes when you aim for the extreme. But I just cannot take the duality. It is driving me fucking nuts.

Fucking shit. This is really pissing me off.

Moolah

It some kind of plagues me that I have to transcribe some shiznit for research methods right now, but I choose to type and net the night away first. Haha. Everything's turning out okay, I guess, only for the fact that I have to find a way to raise funds for my practicum which I find really, really interesting. That's 12,500 pesos to be exact, and I am eye-ing my drumset, slowly saying non-verbal good-byes to it. I'll be selling my broken dreams for twelve thousand. Huhuhuhuhu wipe-out my savings account damnshit. I'm starving myself and making meals to eat in school, but somehow, I cannot mobilize enough funds for my whims. I have to pay for my workshop, bongga ilongga, the practicum. Lord help me manage my finances. (What finances?!)

Funny happy day

Haha, I christen thee.... TAMBAY DAY :)

After a semi-serious meeting with my microfinance groupmates, we went to the Kostka Extension to put up the Carera Loyola booth. I honestly had fun shouting my lungs out and going crazy with LM, DS people, and random schoolmates I saw. Saw Sir Leland, said HI!
I had a terrific philo class; it was one of those classes that had me alert the whole time. We were talking about E. Levinas, and I enjoyed learning about his life, and it gave me a tingle when our teacher explained how he was talking about the experience of literature verbalizing trauma. Whooo I want to go to Russia. Anyway, after class, I went to Cantina and hooray, what a blast from the past, I thought I was going to see Julianne only, and there, along with her, was Paolo and Francis. Mia came shortly, and Jolene and Albert followed after a while. I enjoyed being with friends from WAAAAAAAAAYY back; it gave me several perspectives from the outside world, namely, up, csb, la salle and down under, australia. I met with Mansy and Dana afterwards, and we had a good tambay, u.b. time while the mass for lozada was going on. I was a little tipsy, but it was fun hanging around Bell field. We joined Carmela and Raf afterwards, and went out to Katipunan for a little noise barrage. I saw my blockmates, Eller, and after the short "rally", went back to the Gesu to listen to Lozada. After that, I had a nice time talking to Mansy about the synthesis of college, and how LM and a handful of loyal friends made college worthwhile.

Time spent u.b.-ing is time well spent.

2 am can't sleep

Had a colorful day today; went to Marytown in Katipunan, went to UP, went to Powerplant with my family. Had two cups of coffee consecutively. I realized how families are unpredictable, but are the only ones you really have in this lifetime. Really have-pertaining to people who will always be there for you no matter how much you fuck up. Family is all you have to kick someone's ass, to cry with, to celebrate past and future glories.

Life really smacks hard certain realities- how life is such a short time to think about too seriously. I guess I want to have to think about things when I'm old and gray. Note to self: better stop thinking about life too much, better create memories for me to look back on.

I'll be going to Pagudpod this coming weekend, and it is one of those exciting things that keep you awake at these times. I haven't really been anywhere this second semester. But I need to go to Intramuros before the week ends, and submit an article to our military leader in history.

It's funny when somebody dies, everything is illuminated, but there are just some things that are spotlighted, and you can't help but feel that you want to let go of some things that are mere nightlights. But admittedly, these nighlights are also the things that keep you smiling, or at least give you a little bit of strength. Here I am, ready to pry the world open, but must also keep in mind the things that are expected of me. I guess what's becoming evident to me is how being loosey-goosey does not erase the fact that I am responsible for certain people. Outrightly, it is not expected of me, but somehow, with events unraveling, I am made to realize this.

Somehow I cannot grip something I have been longing for.

nemesis, WHY ARE YOU SO LYK DAT!?

bakit bakit panginoong diyos!!!! takpan mo ang mga bagay na di dapat nakikita, ang bagay na madaming nagkakasala! ang mga bagay na putangina, mahiya naman ang iyong pagkababae! hahahahahaahahha a:)) Laftrip! Sarap tumawa at magpakababaw :p akala ko, akala ko, prinsesa ka! hindi lang pala prinsesa! madamin pang iba! kidlat!!! tila tinatawag kita! pero hindi ko matanto kung bakit ka nagkaganyan, nemesis! i am here! bwahahahahaha buti nalang at hindi nagkikita mga landas natin at malayo ang iyong pinanggagalingan, sa probinsya ng mga konya!

priority check

People whose grudges destroy family ties annoy me right now, and taking up a professional masters seems like the only way to go.

1. Kick their airhead asses
2. Prove something to myself

I had that drive when I was in high school, in the exact same order, and I think I will be prioritizing myself first this time. Pachuca! I will find myself in the beach one day, still whole and unconsumed by the system.

I want to go to the beach

Midnight on a beach in the Mediterranean
And I miss you
Even here, taking it all in
The sand, silvered, carries the moon on its shoulders
Is it possible to put this night to tune, and move it to you?

Don't cry, I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move
Don't cry, i'll bring this home to you

Cargo ships move by, tracing on the horizon line
There's a luster from the city lights on the waves that kiss our feet
And we're thinkin' of goin' in (thinkin' of goin' in),
The time's getting thin

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move
Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this, if I can make this...

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move
Don't cry I'll bring this home to you

This is a city for not sleeping; The clocks are set by feel
At this moment, from where I sit, none of it seems real

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move

If I can make this, if I can make this move
If I can make this move

MINUS THE BEAR

Independence is key

WOMYN

she did not need him
and they wound up like
glue

OPEN SCISSORS, PAPER, STONE

Kumbaga, ikaw pa mananakit
Magpapakatanga
O magpapakabato nalang,

Di kaya...

Puta
Walang Alam
Hipokrito?

Bare hands

Sa pagsakay ng behikulong nakakabagot,
Nakakainis, "...kaliwa, kanan, kaliwang-kaliwa, kuya."
Wala namang patutunguhan
Eh kung reypin kaya ang gift wrapper na
Aking ginawang balot sa aking budhi

Sulyap, ubos na ubos na, malapit na sa upos
Abo, ubo, tingin sa ibang direksyon
Lunod sa ibang matitingnan, maamoy, basta!
Magagawa
Mapagdidiskitahan ng layo, ng kanyang pagtatanto

Ngiti, biro, biro pa ng konti,
Sige, tagay mo pa yang pwedeng magpamanhid sayo
Tagay mo pa, sana isama mo naman ako sa iyong pagtagay
Sa pag-angat mo sa ulap, sa iyong pag-aalma
Sa buhay na dinadanas, o kaya naman pinipiglasan

Pag-uwi ng bahay kalembangin ang mga pwedeng kalampagin
Buhusin ang pagiging likido mo sa ibang bagay
Kung hindi man sumagot
Hindi man sumulyap
Nabuhos naman ang kaluluwa

PACHUCA SUNRISE HELP MY MIND

I AM FEELING EMOTIONAL NOW BUT BECAUSE I HAVE EMANCIPATED MYSELF FROM THE MOTHER FUCKING SELFISH PILL, I feel sad, but not drowning. I just need to mother fucking let this out! WHERE IS THE RECIPROCITY IN THIS MOTHER FUCKING WORLD!??????????????????????!!!!!!!!!! MONEY FOR HAPPINESS, MONEY FOR TAXIS, ONLY GLIMPSES GLIMPSES I NEED MOTHER FUCKING MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is the spontaneity, where is the desire, where is the sunrise, sunset, the fall?! I DON'T WANT TO FALL IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEAL ME PACHUCA, I AM INCHING AWAY, IN inches, in inches, but inches that amount to much much more! FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOURSELF GADDAMITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, EMPTINESS SYNDROME, lord minus the bear, but i need the fucking bear i need the fucking glimpse, but i need more than a fucking glimpse i need to enter the fucking dilated pupils!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKING IT ALL IN, TRYING TO DIGEST ALL OF IT BUT I KEEP ON VOMITING! WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE what about my motherfucking self-importance?! LET'S MOTHERFUCKING PUT OUR MONEY WHERE OUR MOUTHS ARE AT! I HAVE BARE HANDS, HANDFULS OF NOTHING! I aM DEVOID OF IT, GIVE ME SOME! I need SOME MOTHER FUCKING RECIPROCITY, WHAT THE FUCK IS haPPENING TO THE WORLD!??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
*^*&*^&*%^%^*%^*%^%^*&^%^$%$%&!!!!!! I have nothing anymore.

Emancipatory baby-making blooms

I must be in love with myself, says he? Who? Replies, "...with the Mandaluyong 311-loving personnel that is too friggin hard to find." Stars, stars everywhere, should've air-drummed my way in the jeep, should've kept my hold on my sister's coleman tight. Should've been brave enough to wear my sleeping boxers to school, oh honestly, is wasn't out of bad fashion but out of the Quill, my god, dreaming of oberdabakod love themes hasn't gone out of fashion, but has reached the maximum. Why does a deranged cousin and a wife separate the stars for heaven's sake. Should've stuck to the naked man and unintentionally bumped my way to the air-drumming jeep!

Spectacles of a boy-builder, why hasn't the earth swallowed you whole?

Calling the shots

Sakay ka lang, pero huwag ka magpapawala. All you need

to do is ...

pull the string to make para.

Skilty, time-out muna

Hayayayay. Who would think that taking research methods would be so brain-wrecking. I'm not that sleepy because I slept all morning, but can't stay up too late because I have to study for microfinance and go to school for project management. GAHD. I think I am thinking more clearly now, can't afford to lose my wits with everything that needs to be done. No insights, just keeping up with my robo-cop mode.

WHAT.

It just hit me that some of the most dreadful lines are those that have already been said, and when it rears its ugly head, you want to prick it like a blackhead. When connections are those that seem like yesterday, without you consistently trying to compare, only to find yourself in a vaguely familiar place, you just want to run out in the field and start screaming. Sometimes I wish I had more of a head start.

Sometimes, I wish everyone just had the same start. And I'm feeling that it's the only way to go. Who the hell are we kidding?

And admittedly, the juvenile in me would like to hold on like swat paper, but the surprisingly existent logical in me would just like to let go and run about in the same field. I don't know who's blinder, me or the world. Insights have been realized, and it hit me smack on my huge forehead when I realized that I am turning out to be like the underdog person. OH MY GOD. I used to think I had more leverage.

So this is the problem, my lack of maturity, and my seemingly declining interesting nature. Nakakawala talaga ng amor.

Tabula Rasa

Kinakailangan na talaga i-overhaul ang sarili. Wala na kakong tinira para sa sarili ko, ubos na ubos na ako. Kung walang makakapitan, walang saysay na magpakain sa dilim. Pulutin muna ang kalat-kalat na sarili bago maging mapagkumbaba sa ibang tao. Hindi na nakakatawa ang nangyayari sa iyo. Masakit na sa dibdib, nakakapika na. Parang ang tagal ko na hindi nakikilala sarili ko. Kung hindi kaya pangalagahan ng iba, sarili na lang ang pangangalagahan. Tamang pagbibitaw lang sa mga bagay na nakakasakit na.

Regatta de blanc

Fuck can't remember anything! Just remember this odd sensation that stirs up all sorts of emotion. haha. Just laugh out loud. and everything's going to be alright!

I almost forgot about fate

Today, Iya and I went to the convent of the Holy Spirit, there, we talked to one of Tugdaan's Founders, Sister Victricia. She provided us with a whole bunch of material on IP education, IP schools, and we had more information than we expected! It was so funny how she knew everyone that we knew who had experiences with IPs. What struck me most about the meeting was when we were just chatting away, and she mentioned how things really happen for a reason. The way Tugdaan was formed, how heaven sent her a young man called Ben Abadiano to help the Mangyan community in Mindoro, how she dreamed of meeting a person that would help her with a project and viola! Met up with that person, and had things rolling. What's scary is how I already saw her in my mind's eye, during the time we went to DAR, I saw a nun, she was alone, and I was about to talk to her because she was alone, and I was interested in what she was doing there, what her level of involvement was. And today, of all days, I meet a mysterious old nun, wearing glasses with a dark tint. She told us she was a social worker by nature. Everything seemed to connect after our interview. I knew that was the nun I saw in front of DAR because she mentioned how she was involved in the Sumilao campaign in 1998 when they staged a hunger strike in front of DAR. And even more vaguely, I had this hope in the back of my head that I needed someone to talk to, a mentor of some sort, and I was thinking that it would be nice to meet a religious person to talk to me, and the thought headed into me thinking of meeting a nun in my near future. It all sounds crazy, but I think there is really someone up there who's got a long list of wishes to be fulfilled, and is finally ticking off my wish list. When she said , "...energy follows will." I thought of how my seadreams were slowly slipping away, and as Iya and I walked away from the convent, I felt a prick in my heart, I knew that if I did not entertain that desire, or if I shunned it away, something in me would eventually die as well. How heavily dramatic, but I feel as if the world is suddenly being responsive. It feels really good. As I went home, I checked my mail, and I realize that apart from the mail Dr. Alcala has sent, there was a follow up e-mail from SUAKCREM, addressing me to another government arm that caters to CB-CRM. Anyway, it is still a hodgepodge of exciting events, and I will call their office tomorrow so I can nail something, and decide after.

The Haight

Oh men. May isa pa akong place na gusto bisitahin, Haight-Ashbury St, San Fransisco CA

It's all about me, beybe

I had coffee with my family today, and somehow, as we reminisced about my childhood, my mom commented, "...anti-social ka kasi." It's funny because I realize how this has become the theme of my life. Although at times I appear to endlessly crack jokes, because of how isolation exudes comfort, I will have to deal with the fact I am 90% happy to be alone. I don't need to pressure myself to be with people, because it is only during the times where I find myself with people who make me feel alive that binds me to them. It just saddens me when I am uncomfortable sharing my feelings to people, especially to those who I really hold dear. I'd want to show them how I feel, but somehow, through habit, I have allowed myself to show feelings through everything else except through verbal communication.

I should be reviewing for my report, but I have to mentally vomit some things that are rotting in my head. Sometimes, it's the fully emotional that really tires me. Anyway, I just want to say that heartbreaks are difficult to mend, but what's more difficult to mend is how you are losing yourself. Anyway, I'd like to believe that this is just a consequence of the rush of blood to the south, but I am in dire need of an overhaul, that I just want to scream and flail my arms. After doing that, I thoroughly need to go to the beach and bask in the sun, and really enjoy it. I personally think I am at odds with everything around me, and even if I keep on shape-shifting, I cannot bend for myself.

Helter skelter moments of almost fully ecstatic pleasures
Within the definitive warmth of people
Whose hands and hearts seem readily available
Whose minds indefinitely cross your reality,
Their obstinate cages of this and that,
Some that capture your that and this
Stops. It is just your other, this carousing of your
Mental longing for affirmation. Like this, very endeavor
Paper affirmation, from the very
Start.

Bless Ye Bag Lady

I'm not sorry or tempted to even hit the guilty button,
that made them feel under the weather.

The lies that we tell ourselves-

We stop only so we can go back, retracing our steps-
reminiscing resorts in the radio in our head.
Things that happened, those that thoroughly went through
our hands, their hearts
sometimes we are too good to let go,
we still keep an ounce of goodwill
When decisiveness is what makes us move,
we timidly mingle with it like it were
some stranger we just had a one night stand with. We
bitchily, stubbornly, tend to the guilt, waiting for it to blossom. We
hold on to it until our fingers bruise, clutching even if only a piece
Of it-like some bag lady, keeping things of dubious worth. Don't be fooled
into thinking it's nostalgia, it's not. It's all about of you,
never about them. We keep on doing meandering
things, like these.

We are, after all, masochistic.

mother f*cking shit

Ang sarap talaga magrant sa blog. haha putreges, what an empowering day. My day started from 9 and ended at 11.

Only that it didn't end so well, haha. Demons are dancing in my head!

Things are unfolding, and demons start dancing, and it's happening spontaneously, it's hilarious!

Mother f*cking shit

I used to think that people get tired of what they do after four solid years. That's the minimum number of years-four. However, I think I am getting tired of something that I have consistently been fighting for for three years. I've thought about this way before, but I put it off thinking that I was only in the heat of the moment. But this time, before things can go worse, call me a pessimist, I think I will be letting go off it, for good.

I wouldn't want to think that I got more of it than it got more of me. I had it when I was going through the roughest of days, but I don't think I am growing anymore, nor do I think it is growing with me anymore. I'm also convinced that standing up for things I believe in, things that I used to think will do it good, seems to be putting more divide within people.

Unlike the rest of the things that I threw in towels for, this is different. I did not have and do not have qualms about this with regard to how it relates to me. Admittedly, it's more of how I relate to myself. This might sound cliche, but hey, that's what it is.

Mom also reminded me a while back, and it's coming back, where I had my heart set in for. And with issues cleared, I think I am going back to where I really should have been focusing on from the start.

masayang pagkakamali

haha wala lang ang saya, nung viniew ko yung multiply site ko isang araw, lumabas yung mukha ni tom barba!!!!!!!!!!!!! feeling ko nangyari, di ako nakalogout tapos viniew ko site niya haha tapos tiningnan nya rin site ko. haha engot. pero pogi, in fairness. rakstar!

Freeloaders

freeloaders are one of the most despicable people on earth.

admittedly, there are times wherein you have to become one, survival of the fittest, after all, is the reason why we're still here.

but there are levels of freeloading. one concerns the fact that people have other priorities, very, very important ones, that one cannot help but "help out only a little bit".

there is also the type that happens simply because you are clueless with what is happening, and thus, you cannot extend much help, that is assuming you have tried your best to help out.

and there is also that annoying freeloading scheme that works due to force of habit. when people get used to freeloading, or what my friends and I used to call , "kapit sa malakas", that is really what gets on my nerves.

i cannot help but rant because there are people who you know can work their asses off if they want to but have all sorts of measly excuses.

i cannot exempt myself from this one because i hate myself as well when i am slowly inching my way towards this habit.

2008, spare us of this disgusting quality.

How fucking ironic

Last 2007 has been an emotional roller coaster for me. And somehow, through the emotional torture I've put myself in this break, I realize that being sensitive to people is one hell of a joke, particularly for those that you take for granted so you can be sensitive to people who you think are frail, emotionally scarred or whatever you want to call it. Or when sensitivity is reserved for people who are not that close or who are neither hot nor cold, somewhere in between, that you still cannot put a finger to that person and classify him or her as this or that. When it is easier to be sensitive to people who are considered tepid, or to the blatantly oppressed, I say that it is those who are easily taken for granted that should be a taken consideration as well. I have been guilty of this , and it plagues me, because it happens so much that it is hilarious that I allow it to happen, that we allow it to happen. So here's to warrantless hurt (but when was hurt ever warranted?), the ironic truth that we allow to happen everyday. Hoping 2008 gives me a little bit of a nudge, cheers.

The Southern Erupts

The Southern Erupts,
But the Northern is stagnant.
Cracks of different places,
Different intensities.
The Northern explodes!
Exudes earthly escapades,
The Southern watches from a distance.
The Southern erupts,
The Southern is on its way.