trying to fall in love after 25 years

Lately it's been a battle of hormones and whatever's left of my ambitious self. I find myself trying to be more emo, trying to find something to be excited about. Having had one milestone for the year, I am now trying to squeeze out some nice things with ALL the possibilities. I mean, the fact that there ARE possibilities makes me hope. Someting totally unexpected can happen, I realize, when you are just about to sit back and kick off your shoes.

Yesterday, I was with my close friend. We decided to go to this college event was hosted by our school org. The night was pretty interesting, I saw two old friends. And it hit me, life will be pretty fair to you at a unexpected time. In this case, during a time when I thought I had repressed most undesirable memories.

But the night turned out ok. It made me feel likeable. It's a vague feeling, but it hasn't shown up on my doorstep for a long time. And I felt that I could actually do it alone. Thank you.

Test time's approaching quick, and I find myself still lounging. I've felt day-to-day for the past month, and it has a lot to do with being unable to look beyond this coming Tuesday. I know deep in my heart that my fate lies in the hands of three people who can just do the thumbs up/down. My anxiety will gather into thirty minutes of talking to these three people. And after that, I have no idea where to throw myself at, because frankly, I have graduated from feeling like I need to matter-load on anything, someone, something.

I spoke to my friend in high school in this exact place. I asked her what she was doing. She said "freelance" on point, as if she was asked the same question a million times and finally decided to cut the conversation with one word. Pretty clever of her, I must say-it's difficult trying to explain what exactly you're doing with your life without judgement, even if it seems like you're pretty much on track.

Clean breaks. I have to learn how to do that. I should stop being so scared.

bu

wow i thought i had things figured out. used to tell myself that at least i invested in someting my sister could not-relationships. turns out she's headed in a brighter direction, and i am just that dog waiting for a bone. dreamnt of how dysfunctional it was before this, but how emotionally-rewarding. what can i say, i think it has to do with my mother insticnt, which has gone haywire for so long. needless to say, there is nothing left to paint on this canvass, you have managed to paint everything. don't really understand how i am ablt to conjure feelings of comfort while sleeping, set in a very possible situation. maybe it was the "needing" feeling.
this is just like that course you despise. time to hop into another bandwagon. this has given me insomnia, busted lungs and drooping eyes for too long. i wish i had the guts to just go out with dart and his friend this weekend, knowing how i'll just be wishing i went.

Got me thinking when he said, ay nako noh, swerte sya. Might be true, after all. Not much pondering done over it because I have always put the bright quality up on top of the list, on a pedestal that it was eating me up, or rather, the admiration started chomping on my own.

And then I thought about other qualities that I possessed. I aim to please. And that got me thinking while I was comforting myself. How, in all those quick times, was I not able to feel comfort? Is it something deprived of the state I am in? I mean how hard was it to feel soothed in a sweltering day? Got me thinking about whether I was premature in this sense as well. Oh god, I'm 25 years old. Calling out on the cosmos to help.

So many things to work on, so little time. Maybe there are things that aren't so bad, but aren't worth pursuing.

Hay Monica. Give yourself some credit.

Spending the whole day at home is as difficult as pretending to be busy at work. You have to trick yourself into thinking that everything is fine, and that everything can be and will be normalized according to one's/another's expectations.

I just received the TOR for the research assistant job from an LSIG-WB project. The outputs were basically highlighted, and per output that I finish, I get 20,000 in return. That would be okay, I guess, if they did not require me to travel or to be there most of the time.

Not quite sure what 2012 will be like. As far as my EQ is running, it has set up minimal expectation for the year. Not much expectations on climbing or getting a higher level of scuba diving experience. Just want to survive the year, and get used to normalcy. I want to get used to the feeling of being okay with the present.

I just wish, though, that I make up my mind regarding trying out for a degree anywhere else but here. But I still have hang-ups on getting that two-year straight job experience. No one will make me rich but myself. I should keep that mantra and remember its implications on the everyday.

Spending the day at home makes me feel like I have nothing to prove. Which is a good feeling, although I shouldn't get used to it too much.

I wish I were passionate about something. Hope to spend some passionate time with an activity soon. As in soon.