Monday, December 21, 2009
boom
faint is what i don't need now; but it something that leaves me wishing. breathing for more of you, not you-that was you, but faded into those clustered into stars. wishing that the shadow would stop tango-boxing with my dainty attempt for hands held up in the air, those moments of colorful sand storms, i reach for the only one i can remember-that star encased in more rigor. like how i froze everything in time including two more years and tulips and coffee by the market and dunkin donuts and coconuts and hilarious vans and unwashed hair. everytime i see these i weep. there is so much to remember in this era of posthumous sepia; it is only really seen in blacks and whites. then there is that organic past that felt like countless nights of espressos and nightmares. it has boomeranged more than once; you have made your point.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Hater
I just finished all the musts for today; and I'm just letting time pass by so I can go to DENR to attend another aimless meeting.
I can't wait for December 22, where my head will fully dislodge from my body. It is now that I realize how I have been, for 23 years, putting expectations, daily, weekly, yearly, on myself and others, and bearing the brunt of delivering and having others deliver has taken its toll on what I might say, my view of life or how I digest things.
I haven't really been a fan of well-being. Ever since I had my first encounter with attempts to move towards that four, five years ago, I decided that it utterly is trash. Doctors, business people, and even religion make money out of the concept.
But there is only so much self-medication can offer, and as I have observed and as others have verbalized- self-medication leads to parasitism.
When I go back to Mecca, all hell will break loose, and finally, when it does, there will be no more guilt. Self-medication with a little help from the organic past. I cannot be in love with the concept of little boys any longer.
I can't wait for December 22, where my head will fully dislodge from my body. It is now that I realize how I have been, for 23 years, putting expectations, daily, weekly, yearly, on myself and others, and bearing the brunt of delivering and having others deliver has taken its toll on what I might say, my view of life or how I digest things.
I haven't really been a fan of well-being. Ever since I had my first encounter with attempts to move towards that four, five years ago, I decided that it utterly is trash. Doctors, business people, and even religion make money out of the concept.
But there is only so much self-medication can offer, and as I have observed and as others have verbalized- self-medication leads to parasitism.
When I go back to Mecca, all hell will break loose, and finally, when it does, there will be no more guilt. Self-medication with a little help from the organic past. I cannot be in love with the concept of little boys any longer.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The one you sweep is not one that renders mobility, no, what you sweep is glitter that has been thrown in the air. There is only so much that can be opened up for your musts, and good thing i am kept company by flies (at least I can bare my soul to them). Thank god for friendships, thank god you can broadcast every single joyous moment with them. I am still left with flies, maybe, I can become lord of them, lord of every stinking fly that has kept me company throughout these years. I have grown accustomed to the dust-bunnies, and some things to keep my glitter momentarily suspended in the air. Pardon me if I have momentarily caused dullness to blind your very own glitter. I have never truly grasped what it is that causes that shining moment in you. If I have caused you to shy upon the world because of my cries, pardon me, the contract well broadcasted that this comes with the package. Oh, the package, I guess I do not have one, but I know when to wrap myself up with the self, the self which is left to pat itself on the back and smile for the cameras that have been only to well acquainted with my cries. I have never known what it was to be stretched by your very own limits (I have seen what limits you can set on, when you are burned by your very desire, of joyous moments perhaps).
There is only so much left for riddles, and this is the last one I am willing to write.
There is only so much left for riddles, and this is the last one I am willing to write.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Before it fizzles out
Before the experience becomes a distant memory, I will attemp to document what has happened in the past seven days. (It's funny, I used to have the knack of writing in my journal without the least bit of apprehension or worry that I might not finish it entirely.) I am in Butuan right now, and the bosses went out for dinner. I decided to have dinner by myself because I enjoy wating and thinking about the have-beens and the next-times.
November 23, Monday
Sir Blas, Ms. Beechie and I all went to the airport at the same time, and we arrived in Butuan at around 12 pm. The Butuan airport reminded me somehow of the old Bacolod airport, where everything was manually done. Surprisingly, there weren't people to check whether you got your own luggage; no one really checked that out. After getting our stuff, we went out and immediately saw the contact of Haribon for vans. I saw a couple who looked like they were nearing their fifties. The guy held his surfboard, and they plainly looked like they came from Lanuza or Cantilan.
We rode the van of Ban-Ban's (the contact) brother and was charged a hundred bucks each going to Almont hotel (jeez, taking a trike would have just cost us seven pesos). Anyway, we proceeded to Almont, and checked in.
With us in the van were some guys from Manila who turned out to be recruiters. They were also on their way to Tandag like us, but they were out to go straight to Tandag. Ms. Beechie thought of having me go with them but eventually decided against it because they were going to take a van instead of the bus, and she told me it was hell riding a van going there because the driver would stuff the van with people like they were sardines. We eventually decided that I would go to Tandag the following day as I was waiting for money from the office, and I needed to withdraw it from my BPI account ASAP.
Butuan struck me as a fairly sleepy town, with a fair share of commercial establishments like Jollibee, Dunkin, Chowking and the like. Ms. Beechie and I shared rooms, and we ventured out to eat near the public market. We ate at a carinderia, and they had intersting viands which included papaitan and guso. I ordered papaitan, and stuffed myself. We went back to the hotel, and I checked my mail.
I went to Dunkin DOnuts to have coffee, and it surprised me to see that they were selling malnourished donuts. haha. Apparently, Dunkin Donuts has not quality control. (will upload the picture of the amazingly malnourished donut)
I went to BPI afterwards, which was FOUR blocks away. The receptionist from the hotel told me that it was near, and it was beside Jollibee. I walked and walked and walked, and finally saw signs of banks. After chacking my account, which still did not receive the amount from finance, I decided to walk back to the hotel while doing a bit of sightseeing. I went to St. Joseph Church and stayed for a bit, taking mediocre pictures of just about anything that interested me.
Finally, I went back to the hotel and decided to brush up on my readings for planning 201 class, and I browsed throught the Comprehensive Land Use Plan Guidelines of the HLURB. I chatted with the bellboy, asking him about what places were interesting to visit, and he helped me out with my IT. I planned on leaving the hotel early so I could go to the museums here, but sadly, the rain poured, and as Ms. Beechie and I were watching the news, turns out Surigao was going to experience a lot of rain. The Maguindanao Massacre also appeared on TV shortly afterwards, and I WAS IN SHOCK.
Nov. 24, Tuesday
(to be continued)
November 23, Monday
Sir Blas, Ms. Beechie and I all went to the airport at the same time, and we arrived in Butuan at around 12 pm. The Butuan airport reminded me somehow of the old Bacolod airport, where everything was manually done. Surprisingly, there weren't people to check whether you got your own luggage; no one really checked that out. After getting our stuff, we went out and immediately saw the contact of Haribon for vans. I saw a couple who looked like they were nearing their fifties. The guy held his surfboard, and they plainly looked like they came from Lanuza or Cantilan.
We rode the van of Ban-Ban's (the contact) brother and was charged a hundred bucks each going to Almont hotel (jeez, taking a trike would have just cost us seven pesos). Anyway, we proceeded to Almont, and checked in.
With us in the van were some guys from Manila who turned out to be recruiters. They were also on their way to Tandag like us, but they were out to go straight to Tandag. Ms. Beechie thought of having me go with them but eventually decided against it because they were going to take a van instead of the bus, and she told me it was hell riding a van going there because the driver would stuff the van with people like they were sardines. We eventually decided that I would go to Tandag the following day as I was waiting for money from the office, and I needed to withdraw it from my BPI account ASAP.
Butuan struck me as a fairly sleepy town, with a fair share of commercial establishments like Jollibee, Dunkin, Chowking and the like. Ms. Beechie and I shared rooms, and we ventured out to eat near the public market. We ate at a carinderia, and they had intersting viands which included papaitan and guso. I ordered papaitan, and stuffed myself. We went back to the hotel, and I checked my mail.
I went to Dunkin DOnuts to have coffee, and it surprised me to see that they were selling malnourished donuts. haha. Apparently, Dunkin Donuts has not quality control. (will upload the picture of the amazingly malnourished donut)
I went to BPI afterwards, which was FOUR blocks away. The receptionist from the hotel told me that it was near, and it was beside Jollibee. I walked and walked and walked, and finally saw signs of banks. After chacking my account, which still did not receive the amount from finance, I decided to walk back to the hotel while doing a bit of sightseeing. I went to St. Joseph Church and stayed for a bit, taking mediocre pictures of just about anything that interested me.
Finally, I went back to the hotel and decided to brush up on my readings for planning 201 class, and I browsed throught the Comprehensive Land Use Plan Guidelines of the HLURB. I chatted with the bellboy, asking him about what places were interesting to visit, and he helped me out with my IT. I planned on leaving the hotel early so I could go to the museums here, but sadly, the rain poured, and as Ms. Beechie and I were watching the news, turns out Surigao was going to experience a lot of rain. The Maguindanao Massacre also appeared on TV shortly afterwards, and I WAS IN SHOCK.
Nov. 24, Tuesday
(to be continued)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Dagdag bawas
Ilang araw lang ay tinanggala ko ng tinik ang sarili ko, tanggal ang emotional burden pero dagdag sa ibang comompartment. Pano mawawala na madadagdagan ang sarili?
Yan ang pagiisipan sa kalahatan.
Yan ang pagiisipan sa kalahatan.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The brush
Brushes were meant to straighten out the fizzle in my mind.
In the future, it will allow me to curl inside its bear trunks
Any amount of discomfort blankets the togetherness
I need not straightlaced folk of that sort, only, the right kind of brush against my cheek
Unlike that which flies into the air, strangely reminiscient of backhands
I am only aware of in my stride.
In the future, it will allow me to curl inside its bear trunks
Any amount of discomfort blankets the togetherness
I need not straightlaced folk of that sort, only, the right kind of brush against my cheek
Unlike that which flies into the air, strangely reminiscient of backhands
I am only aware of in my stride.
hello naropa
If not in Amsterdam, in that place.
I am falling in love with its stream of consciousness possibly due to the meteric cages I have axed down in my attempt to stop justifying the have-beens.
It seems like a distant memory, and come to think of it, I was just in a taxi, momentarily reflecting on all the bitterness it has caused me, more rooted, weirdly enough, but insignificant in magnitude.
But Craneley's gonna make it, and everything's going to be fine.
I am falling in love with its stream of consciousness possibly due to the meteric cages I have axed down in my attempt to stop justifying the have-beens.
It seems like a distant memory, and come to think of it, I was just in a taxi, momentarily reflecting on all the bitterness it has caused me, more rooted, weirdly enough, but insignificant in magnitude.
But Craneley's gonna make it, and everything's going to be fine.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
atat sa pagkatao
kasama ko si pulan kanina, dinner at frap na dessert. sa puntong nagffrap kami, masaya. tapos medyo nagdownhill nung napagtanto ko na shet, may mga nawawalang mga relasyon sa kamalayan ko ngayon. hmm.
bago kami magdinner ay bumili kami ng mga abubot sa national. bumili ako ng planner, at nang pinagpipilian ko ang dalawa, pinili ko ang kulay berde (para envi, maalala ko), mas makapal (para mas maraming sulatan) at mas serious-looking (para GO FOR THE GOLD).
pero napag-isip ako sa aking pag-uwi. pinahihirapan ko ba ang sarili ko? baka isa talaga akong malaking minus sign.
inisip ko ng mabilis kung anu-ano ang mga magpapaatat sa akin. guimaras, dive sa anilao, bisita sa surigao, makuha ng MA, magsimula ng yoga. ok naman, pero pag may pinipilit na sitwasyon, may mga nasasaktan.
so ngayon, gusto ko nalang mag-isa. para walang masaktan. pero pwede pa rin ako sa sariling la-la lang.
bago kami magdinner ay bumili kami ng mga abubot sa national. bumili ako ng planner, at nang pinagpipilian ko ang dalawa, pinili ko ang kulay berde (para envi, maalala ko), mas makapal (para mas maraming sulatan) at mas serious-looking (para GO FOR THE GOLD).
pero napag-isip ako sa aking pag-uwi. pinahihirapan ko ba ang sarili ko? baka isa talaga akong malaking minus sign.
inisip ko ng mabilis kung anu-ano ang mga magpapaatat sa akin. guimaras, dive sa anilao, bisita sa surigao, makuha ng MA, magsimula ng yoga. ok naman, pero pag may pinipilit na sitwasyon, may mga nasasaktan.
so ngayon, gusto ko nalang mag-isa. para walang masaktan. pero pwede pa rin ako sa sariling la-la lang.
Monday, October 5, 2009
That girl
I did something bad yesterday, and the other day, and it backfired. I am feeling low, and small things have caused me to view everything in slow-mo.
But then it kept me thinking, we are all on the same boat here. There's a branch that wants stability, and there's a branch that wants acknowledgement. And then I applied it to my life (which is a hobby), and realized that acknowledgement preceeds stability.
Observing the brightness, the hue of one's eyes-it was something I could not resist doing, as I have seen months roll by, the itch of clinging on to a certain memory, not of mine. And it hit me that certain hues are not attained when acknowledgement's sake is snubbed.
So here I am, seemingly unfazed. Trying to make it until 8,9,10,11,12. As she is, as we all are.
But then it kept me thinking, we are all on the same boat here. There's a branch that wants stability, and there's a branch that wants acknowledgement. And then I applied it to my life (which is a hobby), and realized that acknowledgement preceeds stability.
Observing the brightness, the hue of one's eyes-it was something I could not resist doing, as I have seen months roll by, the itch of clinging on to a certain memory, not of mine. And it hit me that certain hues are not attained when acknowledgement's sake is snubbed.
So here I am, seemingly unfazed. Trying to make it until 8,9,10,11,12. As she is, as we all are.
Before I strangle academics
Before I decide to rape coastal disaster management, I will write in this stupid blog. I miss having to write on this as it signifies that I still have what it takes to reflect. There is something wrong with my life, something fundamentally wrong that I have to shake it all off. I will be moving out of my house, and have waged war against monetary kindness of any sort from my parents (the feel was quite mutual), although I have accepted, for the last time, some grant for my tuition. By this week, I will have to find a place where I can be alone, run, and reflect after class.
I guess I can never be truly stable unless I have finally felt uncheated by life.
So, today, I decide that it will be a weaknesses if I do not finish my masters on time. It will be just wrong, and I have decided that shredding relationships just to achieve this is a possible option.
I guess I can never be truly stable unless I have finally felt uncheated by life.
So, today, I decide that it will be a weaknesses if I do not finish my masters on time. It will be just wrong, and I have decided that shredding relationships just to achieve this is a possible option.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I was supposed to get a lion yesterday, but I said, no, that can wait until after the beach, until after everyone is okay with the idea. My mother, while insinuating how I SHOULD go to this reunion of our relatives from the US says, "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You better take this chance. Sayang." And I answer, " I am not obliged to. I barely know them." She knows it, I know it-we're not exactly in bestfriends-terms with relatives who put land before pinagsamahan. I guess I just find it ironic how when we're older, we tend to still hope for a certain situation, a dream, fixed relationships, blah blah, when we should have taken the leap years back.
And realizing that, on Friday, I will do things for myself for a change. I have gotten too grey.
And realizing that, on Friday, I will do things for myself for a change. I have gotten too grey.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I am inspired by the people I work with.
Even if it sure is hell thinking about how to balance my hours, how my eyes droop in class, how easy it is for me to cut...I know that each waking day is spent thinking about how they can contribute to some sort of goodness. I will be turning 23 soon, and it makes me a bit sad thinking about how I am moved by romantic notions, and am aware of times that I am slowly drifting towards these notions, but can also quickly put on my more logical cap.
But seeing how NGOs, no matter how romantic they can get at times, wake up each day with that feeling in their chest that they will have lived for something, for an abstract but reasonable cost, I am forced to reflect seriously on what path it is I want to take.
My sister decided not to take the board exams yet. And at first I was pissed off, because I want my parents to come and take a look at my efforts as well. Now that I know that they are looking, if only but passively, I am moved to look into what they want for me as well.
I think they basically want me to be free, and it makes me nostalgic thinking about how, in some way, my socially-aware folks have burried their dreams for a profession, for their families. And I don't know why I feel it, but perhaps, I also want to fight their fight.
Even if it sure is hell thinking about how to balance my hours, how my eyes droop in class, how easy it is for me to cut...I know that each waking day is spent thinking about how they can contribute to some sort of goodness. I will be turning 23 soon, and it makes me a bit sad thinking about how I am moved by romantic notions, and am aware of times that I am slowly drifting towards these notions, but can also quickly put on my more logical cap.
But seeing how NGOs, no matter how romantic they can get at times, wake up each day with that feeling in their chest that they will have lived for something, for an abstract but reasonable cost, I am forced to reflect seriously on what path it is I want to take.
My sister decided not to take the board exams yet. And at first I was pissed off, because I want my parents to come and take a look at my efforts as well. Now that I know that they are looking, if only but passively, I am moved to look into what they want for me as well.
I think they basically want me to be free, and it makes me nostalgic thinking about how, in some way, my socially-aware folks have burried their dreams for a profession, for their families. And I don't know why I feel it, but perhaps, I also want to fight their fight.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Punyeta yan
Hmm.
Isa nanaman po itong attempt na magparinig sa aking blog, pero i'm sure hindi din naman makukuha ng taong ito kasi soaked up siya sa buhay niya.
Baka ako na nga lang ang nahuhuli, pero hindi ako magpapabenta. First day of work, first day of realizations.
Paco and I talked about how there were some people who were outrightly malicious. Even their advocacies could not outshine the smirk that never fails to keep you out of distance. And I commented, but we're like that too, only I'm more straight about it. And we laughed, and we knew that we were devils inside. That's what makes Paco so nice to talk to-he gets my wicked sense of humor. I guess I operatre on equal levels with myself: the mre I am self-deprecating, the more I am prone to *#%&*# on someone. I guess I have grown to regard our humor as one of the things I look forward to at the end of the day. Our eyes move to the tune of irregular, awkward movements.
I don't like this receptionist of our org much, and I realized that smiling can take its toll on your facial muscles. So tomorrow, I am not going to take the effort. And I'm not going to take the effort on so many things.
There are some people who really vomit on you for reasons that are beyond you. When you try to help them out, they will shun you away, and you worry like hell, just to find out that they magically are okay, for now. THANKS FOR UPDATING ME, I WAS WORRIED SICK.
Anyway, thwy should just try ranting their asses off blogspot, like this.
Oh, and my personal favorite-the zenlike lunatics. I hear their shrieks from a mile away, and I laugh my head off to how they have, to the fullest extent, maximized the substition rule.
goodleaf...hmmmm
reggae=joy
water=joy
reggae=water
and somewhere along the line....
thus, ska=water! I SO LOVE GOODLEAF! Yung may kantang ang himig natin?!?!?!
:
Whew, that was orgasmic.
Byebye
Isa nanaman po itong attempt na magparinig sa aking blog, pero i'm sure hindi din naman makukuha ng taong ito kasi soaked up siya sa buhay niya.
Baka ako na nga lang ang nahuhuli, pero hindi ako magpapabenta. First day of work, first day of realizations.
Paco and I talked about how there were some people who were outrightly malicious. Even their advocacies could not outshine the smirk that never fails to keep you out of distance. And I commented, but we're like that too, only I'm more straight about it. And we laughed, and we knew that we were devils inside. That's what makes Paco so nice to talk to-he gets my wicked sense of humor. I guess I operatre on equal levels with myself: the mre I am self-deprecating, the more I am prone to *#%&*# on someone. I guess I have grown to regard our humor as one of the things I look forward to at the end of the day. Our eyes move to the tune of irregular, awkward movements.
I don't like this receptionist of our org much, and I realized that smiling can take its toll on your facial muscles. So tomorrow, I am not going to take the effort. And I'm not going to take the effort on so many things.
There are some people who really vomit on you for reasons that are beyond you. When you try to help them out, they will shun you away, and you worry like hell, just to find out that they magically are okay, for now. THANKS FOR UPDATING ME, I WAS WORRIED SICK.
Anyway, thwy should just try ranting their asses off blogspot, like this.
Oh, and my personal favorite-the zenlike lunatics. I hear their shrieks from a mile away, and I laugh my head off to how they have, to the fullest extent, maximized the substition rule.
goodleaf...hmmmm
reggae=joy
water=joy
reggae=water
and somewhere along the line....
thus, ska=water! I SO LOVE GOODLEAF! Yung may kantang ang himig natin?!?!?!
:
Whew, that was orgasmic.
Byebye
Monday, August 10, 2009
Gad
My gahd akala ko ako yung hindi sanay na maging outright. May dadaig pa pala paksyet! This is getting too lame and boring for me by my crippled standards hahahaha.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wanted
After four years a stirring suddenly takes place in some aspect of life. And the scariest stirring, I think, is happening to me, when I am suddenly in a position where I want to gain control of everything in my life.
Just watched Wanted a while ago, and I know I would usually say that I'm tired of being angry. Now that I'm not that angry anymore, I think I have unearthed something more fundamental, that is, really trying to work on what kind of person I want to become.
I have sharpened myself and become blunt and vice versa during the past years, but I did not know where the hell I was going. I have gone soft, without knowing, without the clarity of realising what it is I actually want to be hard for.
And with the death of President Corazon Aquino, I have been faced with the fact that my age forces me to look at what kind of person I want to be.
And that goes for almost all aspects of my life. I am digging a hole in the dirt, and am ready to jump in.
Just watched Wanted a while ago, and I know I would usually say that I'm tired of being angry. Now that I'm not that angry anymore, I think I have unearthed something more fundamental, that is, really trying to work on what kind of person I want to become.
I have sharpened myself and become blunt and vice versa during the past years, but I did not know where the hell I was going. I have gone soft, without knowing, without the clarity of realising what it is I actually want to be hard for.
And with the death of President Corazon Aquino, I have been faced with the fact that my age forces me to look at what kind of person I want to be.
And that goes for almost all aspects of my life. I am digging a hole in the dirt, and am ready to jump in.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
BLAH
I want to smash my stupid IBM laptop to bits. I'm dreading making papers soon, and I realize that I need my laptop once again, but it refuses to open my word documents and instead opens in TMV, and aside from that, has loads of viruses in it. I have been acquainted with this laptop since forever, and would like a new laptop. I'm tempted to use my money to buy a new laptop, perhaps a new notebook just so I can bring it wherever.
I have been floating all over the place, and I need to get a jumpstart with my life. I am seriously turning boring and will not allow myself to become one as I want my future children to think that their mom actually said yes to living.
I need an overhaul.
I have been floating all over the place, and I need to get a jumpstart with my life. I am seriously turning boring and will not allow myself to become one as I want my future children to think that their mom actually said yes to living.
I need an overhaul.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
faking it, how i'm losing the libog factor
It has been two months since I experienced the masochistic joy of balancing academic life with other responsibilities, and I must admit, I am getting tired of looking and going to interviews, and deciding that I don't want these jobs.
I have to inject some passion into my daily life.
Maybe we were all just faking the boho lifestyle. Maybe my-boho-doesn't-fit-your-boho, maybe we were faking it all along. I just can't stand the thought of having mundane relationships, and it seriously gives a shot up my nerve, and my right temple starts throbbing like shit.
I AM ANNOYED.
I miss being selfish, and happily, I am slowly turning into one selfish piece of shit, only if I knew how to break clean.
Now, it all lies on how we can fool ourselves into thinking that this has been okay, that I have been doing good. Well fuck it, I am just so sick and tired of this normalcy, quote end quote. Put some action into the words and walk the talk, the mediocrity is rubbing off on everyone else.
And I am reminded by how the happy girls plagiarize more than anyone else I know. Congratulations on making your existence seem pertinent, however, draw some motherfucking lines, oh no, it's okay you can do your lomo, but please, don't go waving your flag like your some idiotic zenlike lunatic.
Okay, it's their personal journey. But it's my personal space you're trampling on when you sound off the alarm too loudly.
So I go with my own boho, and you go with your easternly ways, and in the end we'll manage to find meaning in our own ways. Just break it clean.
And you can take along with you histories that have not been accounted for in my book of sincerity. Honestly can you really draw me?
I have to inject some passion into my daily life.
Maybe we were all just faking the boho lifestyle. Maybe my-boho-doesn't-fit-your-boho, maybe we were faking it all along. I just can't stand the thought of having mundane relationships, and it seriously gives a shot up my nerve, and my right temple starts throbbing like shit.
I AM ANNOYED.
I miss being selfish, and happily, I am slowly turning into one selfish piece of shit, only if I knew how to break clean.
Now, it all lies on how we can fool ourselves into thinking that this has been okay, that I have been doing good. Well fuck it, I am just so sick and tired of this normalcy, quote end quote. Put some action into the words and walk the talk, the mediocrity is rubbing off on everyone else.
And I am reminded by how the happy girls plagiarize more than anyone else I know. Congratulations on making your existence seem pertinent, however, draw some motherfucking lines, oh no, it's okay you can do your lomo, but please, don't go waving your flag like your some idiotic zenlike lunatic.
Okay, it's their personal journey. But it's my personal space you're trampling on when you sound off the alarm too loudly.
So I go with my own boho, and you go with your easternly ways, and in the end we'll manage to find meaning in our own ways. Just break it clean.
And you can take along with you histories that have not been accounted for in my book of sincerity. Honestly can you really draw me?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Listzomania
Over lunch, my mom casually asked if I knew Into the Wild, and I mumbled, yeah I heard Pat talk about it one time, but I haven't watched it. And lo and behold, HBO shows it after our lunch. And it was a good moment because my mom and I watched it together, and somehow, I think she was able to relate.
I just feel that after three years, I need to stop looking for appendages and live life, get to know people. I'd like to die in Dumaguete's charm, or someplace like it.
Can't go to daguldol, have to take the Civil Service Exam on the 26th, but it's ok. :) I chose to take it for back up purposes.
And as I was talking about the global economy in our planning theory class, i figured that uplanders can never perpetually be uplanders, they have to go down and anger themselves through the plains.
I remembered Dharma Bums by Kerouac in the movie. I miss reading those kinds of books and researching about them.
I just feel that after three years, I need to stop looking for appendages and live life, get to know people. I'd like to die in Dumaguete's charm, or someplace like it.
Can't go to daguldol, have to take the Civil Service Exam on the 26th, but it's ok. :) I chose to take it for back up purposes.
And as I was talking about the global economy in our planning theory class, i figured that uplanders can never perpetually be uplanders, they have to go down and anger themselves through the plains.
I remembered Dharma Bums by Kerouac in the movie. I miss reading those kinds of books and researching about them.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Boy, am I glad I didn't let that one pass
Jover, Ann, Aames, Gyobs, Pappy, Abby, Carmela, Raissa, Me, Owen
I climbed a pretty difficult day climb today, and this mountain was pretty excruciating particularly because of Jover's pace. It was scheduled to be a survey climb for the application process, and we tried to do just that, assess whether or not the mountain was fit to be climbed by applicants or not. Anyhow, my personal mission was really, to get out of the house and reflect on some of the things that have been going through my head, particularly how I have been bombarded by issues involving family and friends. And just as my muscles were beginning to burn and my skin turning red, I must say I enjoyed every minute of it, because I decided that with the right set of people, people with a certain history and certain neutrality, no awkwardness can penetrate my bubble. And I have Paco to thank for the decision-I asked him if not showing up would be a lousy choice (plus the fact that I couldn't find my glasses and was bound to become a liability for the climb because I couldn't see where the hell I was putting my foot), and he quite frankly said, yes.
But what subconsciously kept my endorphines high was how these set of people, how just the right amount of jokes and stupid tambay bobo time made me realize that there is something else to look forward in LM.
And strangely enough, as I opened facebook, the whole process (my personal mission of actually cleansing myself) ended with the conclusion that saying good-bye isn't such a bad thing, that it can actually lead to more other equally genuine things.
And I have Paco to thank for the term: genuine relationships. Okay fine, I'm not going to say good-bye to it, but bursting bubbles have actually given me a flurry of other more radical pinks, purples and other hues and hazes enough to last my entire years of struggle (whether that be in Dumaguete or elsewhere).
The LM night ended with Ann and I having a delightful Buko Juice shake, and a message confirming the post-climb tomorrow (along with more peaceful times with parentals, who have been in the same place).
I climbed a pretty difficult day climb today, and this mountain was pretty excruciating particularly because of Jover's pace. It was scheduled to be a survey climb for the application process, and we tried to do just that, assess whether or not the mountain was fit to be climbed by applicants or not. Anyhow, my personal mission was really, to get out of the house and reflect on some of the things that have been going through my head, particularly how I have been bombarded by issues involving family and friends. And just as my muscles were beginning to burn and my skin turning red, I must say I enjoyed every minute of it, because I decided that with the right set of people, people with a certain history and certain neutrality, no awkwardness can penetrate my bubble. And I have Paco to thank for the decision-I asked him if not showing up would be a lousy choice (plus the fact that I couldn't find my glasses and was bound to become a liability for the climb because I couldn't see where the hell I was putting my foot), and he quite frankly said, yes.
But what subconsciously kept my endorphines high was how these set of people, how just the right amount of jokes and stupid tambay bobo time made me realize that there is something else to look forward in LM.
And strangely enough, as I opened facebook, the whole process (my personal mission of actually cleansing myself) ended with the conclusion that saying good-bye isn't such a bad thing, that it can actually lead to more other equally genuine things.
And I have Paco to thank for the term: genuine relationships. Okay fine, I'm not going to say good-bye to it, but bursting bubbles have actually given me a flurry of other more radical pinks, purples and other hues and hazes enough to last my entire years of struggle (whether that be in Dumaguete or elsewhere).
The LM night ended with Ann and I having a delightful Buko Juice shake, and a message confirming the post-climb tomorrow (along with more peaceful times with parentals, who have been in the same place).
Sunday, June 28, 2009
kailangan ko ng makulet! kailangan ko ng makulet! kailangan ko ng energizer bunny! kailangan ko ng sumasagot! kailangan ko ng matisyahu!kailangan ko ng marunong makiramdam at hindi nakikitang kahinaan ito. kailangan ko ng matuto na hindi kahinaan at ang makiramdam. kailangan ko magsasasama sa mga taong marunong makiramdam.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
walk the talk
had a meaningful talk with my friend last night,and throughout the process I realized that there are things i shouldn't force myself to be okay with, like feeling perpetually awkward. or feeling that i have to measure up to something. the past years have made me considerably low in my standards in a lot of things, and i don't think i put enough effort in finding what it is that makes me happy because i have been busy convincing myself that everything's okay the way it is.
i have been talking about letting go for a long time, and last night made me realize that i am all talk. as mansy put it, she has this image of me always carrying guns, ready for war. it's time to be selfish now, and i'm not covering up for the where's? anymore.
had dinner with my friends and i realized that there's so much more out there to explore, and i'm not getting younger.
and oh yes, i have ambitions too.
i have been talking about letting go for a long time, and last night made me realize that i am all talk. as mansy put it, she has this image of me always carrying guns, ready for war. it's time to be selfish now, and i'm not covering up for the where's? anymore.
had dinner with my friends and i realized that there's so much more out there to explore, and i'm not getting younger.
and oh yes, i have ambitions too.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
ambition
Honestly, the word has been bugging me ever since I got into the "real world". I have been through two interviews since I left the senate, and have been accepted. But what's bugging me is how I don't know if I want to vertically or horizontally expand my knowledge. I am taking my masters, something that is genuinely interesting to me, with my well-traveled teachers boasting of their visits to various countries in the world. I can only hope that the same opportunities come my way when I'm done with this. I have to keep myself busy though, with 9 units.. I have scheduled a civil service exam on July 26, but I don't know if I'm set for the career path of wanting to work in NEDA or DENR. My professor mentioned how several graduates of the school formed consulting firms, and that is what I plan to do. The only real problem for me now is to keep my head afloat with my daily expenses.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
and i wished i stopped thinking otherwise. i truly did, but it then hit me that i should have gotten a bit of a headstart, something to fill that void that took place when we decided to throw a molotov above our heads. i needed a solid foundation, i asked that of the sky, and life blurred the lines a bit, only to have me realize that i was indeed walking on a thin line. thinning and thinning by the minute, i chose to go home instead.
feels like i'm holding on to something i can barely sense anymore. they ask me about it they ask me where, when. i cannot cover up anymore, i say oh somewheres. what could possibly go wrong says it, i say, how about everything else that is not present today? how about that which cannot constitute the roll of film we are using now? and it says, says it, why not jump into the now, stop playing that song in the jukebox in your head. and i say, but, it seems like you forget the foundation i set myself in. i was blowing bubbles with flowers on my hair way, way before that.
and it goes, and it goes. we wished that it would not have to come to this point. where the dearest are to be left. where nothing is left unrealized, nothing left to regret, but everything is left to succumb to the motions of the world.
if i close the gate in my head and swallow the key, maybe i will find new fields of gold. time is of the essence says it, and for the first time, i agree.
and it goes, and it goes. we wished that it would not have to come to this point. where the dearest are to be left. where nothing is left unrealized, nothing left to regret, but everything is left to succumb to the motions of the world.
if i close the gate in my head and swallow the key, maybe i will find new fields of gold. time is of the essence says it, and for the first time, i agree.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
you know the difference lies in the silence that i am trying to fill in and that is being shut out
the don't gets and the outlines, that is where it is all about
the times when our coaches approach us in our own corners, where we are left to tango-box in our heads
the spaciousness makes all the difference
and because i will not let it get the better of me, i choose lightness and learn later on
than learn early, not realizing what it is i fully hate exactly
one two three
huli ka balbon!
the don't gets and the outlines, that is where it is all about
the times when our coaches approach us in our own corners, where we are left to tango-box in our heads
the spaciousness makes all the difference
and because i will not let it get the better of me, i choose lightness and learn later on
than learn early, not realizing what it is i fully hate exactly
one two three
huli ka balbon!
okey okey okey
BURAT BURAT BURAT NA AKO. *BOW*
purge purge purge
sabi ni jonas
may kilala akong babae sabi niya puta nalulungkot ako
sabi ni jonas, sabay may sinag sa background
EH KUNG GAWIN MO LAHAT NG KABALIKTARAN NG GINAGAWA MO NGAYON
sabi ng babae na natransform ilang years
sinubukang maging flaneur
oo nga ano, eks marks da spot
but if you don't hit it right
eh di
ERASE ERASE ERASE
sa lahat ng mediocre
gagwing THE BEST
sa lahat ng pinaghirapan, pinagsawaan
thankless,
bye bye na! sorry, hindi ko na kaya
sa lahat ng pinutol, naudlot
halika, lapit ka konti, tatansyahin kita ulit
kaya PURGE PURGE PURGE
parkour na ang sarile
lezdodis
purge purge purge
sabi ni jonas
may kilala akong babae sabi niya puta nalulungkot ako
sabi ni jonas, sabay may sinag sa background
EH KUNG GAWIN MO LAHAT NG KABALIKTARAN NG GINAGAWA MO NGAYON
sabi ng babae na natransform ilang years
sinubukang maging flaneur
oo nga ano, eks marks da spot
but if you don't hit it right
eh di
ERASE ERASE ERASE
sa lahat ng mediocre
gagwing THE BEST
sa lahat ng pinaghirapan, pinagsawaan
thankless,
bye bye na! sorry, hindi ko na kaya
sa lahat ng pinutol, naudlot
halika, lapit ka konti, tatansyahin kita ulit
kaya PURGE PURGE PURGE
parkour na ang sarile
lezdodis
past time ko maburat
hay nakow. it dawns upon me that i am the child "with the different personality". it amazes me how i am the black sheep turned gray as my exclusion from my family has already gone passe, and how it is the sort of think my parents talk about with their acquaintances. that should be a good thing, right? but weirdly enough, no, i choose to be burat. it's because they have totally left me by myself, at times struggling for my own piece of sanity. in short, i cannot talk to anyone sanely close to me about how i am struggling to find myself nowadays. maybe they're tired; i know i am, and it is because of this that i have accepted the fact that life will work this way-if i fuck up, i have myself to answer to, and nobody else. it scares the shit out of me because, ultimately, it is with my power biceps that i will have to parkour myself up.
Monday, May 11, 2009
quick fix
hmm. weird that nowadays, all i need to refresh my weekends is a quick trip with friends i rarely see. last thursday, was not feeling well but decided to go to greenbelt with sir jonas and julia. had my turn of whining, and eventually ended up with a smile on my face realizing how it was still more or less the same, and probably even better in terms of relating with them (we now have our work to talk about). the following day, made my way to tomatokick to spend some time with pat and mox, and after drowning a bottle of horse, we made our way to mox's apartment in krus na ligas. astig, it was very independent-like because she was in the middle of UP. brian texted and i walked to 711 to meet up with him because i ditched him in mandaluyong. oddly enough, my past caught up with me, and it was like UP '04 again. said bye-bye to curly tops, and with two bottles of grande, cruised to find a good spot to drink. first tried out the sari store in rosa alvero, but the owner said we couldn't drink there. so brian drove to ninyo (formerly inyo) to park there because his friend owned it anyways. while gulping a quarter of the horse, his friend eventually caught up with us and invited us in. funny guy-was trying to haggle his surf board for 7K, but to no avail.next night, instead of going to ja's boyfriend's party, i decided to spend it with lm; the night was "surer".
funny how quick fixes do the trick.
funny how quick fixes do the trick.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
twos
now posting more than once is something that shows how extremely messed up one's mind can get after drinking more than one cup of coffee. makes me reflect about how one can get two without having so much trouble. anyway just wanted to reflect on how the word paninindigan. there is something so synthetic about it that i just want to go crazy and start waving around a nice bolo. i hate that word so much, makes me see all the insecurities of people, makes me see my own insecurities. the 100% perfect ____ is rendered 89%, 91%, rendered forgotten, oh who the fuck can ever forget?! no one forgets and that's why it hurts more because it is placed in a moldy old box and is left for rats to feast on. i don't trust people who can forget because it is not inherent in feeling persons who can remember every spectacle,everything. i do not believe in new beginnings, there is something lost in blank pages. and you pat yourself on the back thinking how well you painted the wall when all you did was gag the shadows that you enjoyed putting on a show for.
i'm 22, i'll be turning 23 and i'm still looking for that itch. i'm still doubting every you and you and you because i had it all too good when i was pure and i could remember everything. yesireeeee i had it all too good.
i'm 22, i'll be turning 23 and i'm still looking for that itch. i'm still doubting every you and you and you because i had it all too good when i was pure and i could remember everything. yesireeeee i had it all too good.
what will i do without perk
it hit me that i can't be perky with anybody, and it might become such a hassle for people to try to get into my shoes, only i can't hold my muscles up for them to come a little bit closer. i'm trying an experiment, like how i successfully turned dirt into my second nature. talked to someone about how he did not put money in his values-scale, and even if i would like to think of myself as such, i cannot completely say that i do not value money, for heaven's sake, i am computing three months worth of salary to cover up my various "needs"-that being, an MA, a freedom dildo, a good trip, and of course, how can i forget, my payment for my month-long bumming at home. (thanks, mom.)
anyway, someone reminded me of not comparing lives, and yeah, i'm getting tired of that, so here i am again, basking in my sarcasm and enjoying it. i don't want to be happy anyways (there i said it).
anyway, someone reminded me of not comparing lives, and yeah, i'm getting tired of that, so here i am again, basking in my sarcasm and enjoying it. i don't want to be happy anyways (there i said it).
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Patricia posted pictures of the days we spent wandering in Katipunan. It made me smile to think of how I was actually enjoying all these years. Yesterday, I went to Zambales with Sir Max, Paco, Mansy, Meyo and Dana, and Sir Mac casually mentioned something like I was getting old worrying about things. And after drinking the night before going to the beach, wondering if there was going to be such a day where my parents would actually stop doubting me, I realized that I was not going to let them think of me in such a way anymore. Telling me not get affected is something that I do not understand, and maybe if I project the same thing, they'll get off my back.
I woke up from a nap feeling really good; I am going to get that MA, and I will work my ass off even if it means saying good-bye to laser lights.
I woke up from a nap feeling really good; I am going to get that MA, and I will work my ass off even if it means saying good-bye to laser lights.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Something
be true, you ain't got nothin to do..
i think i'm better than you.. hoo! hoo!
be true, you aaain't got nothin.. to do
some trust & you've got it down
you need to kill those tentative lies
maybe i don't care at all
cuz i'm lovin all of your flaws
be true, you ain't got nothin to do
i think i'm better than you hoo! hoo!
be true, you aaain't got nothin.. to do
some ?? but not satisfied
you know she tried, she tried & tried
??? are over now
inopportune in a world i dreamed
be true, you ain't got nothin to do
i think i'm better than you hoo! hoo!
be true, you aaain't got nothin.. to do
be true, you aaain't got nothin to do
hoo! hoo!
be true, you aaain't got nothin to dooo
whoo!
be true, you ain't got nothin to doooo
i think i'm better than you
be true, you ain't.. got nothin.. to do
hooo......
Haha kakajive amputsa deads lang is the game. Hay hay even Sir Max is feeling the dread. I will play the deadma game. I realize that wanting nothing can give you spasms, the good ones. If I survive tomorrow, I will complete the next few weeks til I get my stupid paycheck again.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Today was a nutty day. I was floating all over the place, not knowing exactly what to do with my day. Woke up really late, 12 noon, and woke up to Bek asking for some help with PR for World Malaria Day. Yesterday, woke up at the same time, waking up to Atty. AP making me do a tech draft on the same thing. Can't wait to see how the old lancer is doing. My dad pointed out that racks on the car is bought in Bautista in Pasay? Not really sure where that place is; maybe I'll ask HR on Monday. Can't wait to spend on something I can enjoy because right now, my mom's voice is reverberating in my mind. "WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR THE REMAINING MONTHS?" Oh man, at least I can say that I am doing something right now, even if I am going crazy waiting for the results of my the masters application exam.
It has been bothering me, all this hullabaloo about studying abroad. Ever since Sir Max mentioned that he studied abroad, I have always wanted to try my luck studying in a different place. Suddenly, the Philippines is too small. What pains me is to feel no real support from my parents because they have comfortably found their places in the Philippines and have become solid citizens, making a good amount of money to provide for their family.
My dad has always been a go-go! type, but my mom, with her frugal ways, her blockade caused by her neoclassical economics training at the University of the Philippines has always looked at me in a grim way whenever I start spitting out words like "coastal resource management", "australia" and"study next year".
But I must admit, what is keeping me grounded is the fact that my parents are growing old, and they need to enjoy their money instead of worrying about me wanting to study outside. So I will take it a day at a time, a week at a time, and force myself to think and commute to Pasay every motherfucking day. Hey, at least it's worth the money after one more month.
It has been bothering me, all this hullabaloo about studying abroad. Ever since Sir Max mentioned that he studied abroad, I have always wanted to try my luck studying in a different place. Suddenly, the Philippines is too small. What pains me is to feel no real support from my parents because they have comfortably found their places in the Philippines and have become solid citizens, making a good amount of money to provide for their family.
My dad has always been a go-go! type, but my mom, with her frugal ways, her blockade caused by her neoclassical economics training at the University of the Philippines has always looked at me in a grim way whenever I start spitting out words like "coastal resource management", "australia" and"study next year".
But I must admit, what is keeping me grounded is the fact that my parents are growing old, and they need to enjoy their money instead of worrying about me wanting to study outside. So I will take it a day at a time, a week at a time, and force myself to think and commute to Pasay every motherfucking day. Hey, at least it's worth the money after one more month.
Monday, April 20, 2009
wouldn't want to say that work turned me into a different person but i am slowly led to believe that the only thing that can immediately allow me to whimsically permit my caprice (oh the redundancy) is by getting a whiff of some sort of purchasing power. i hope that i get the results of my masters so i can finally decide what it is i want to do with the rest of my life, aside from wanting to be a professional environmental planner so i can tell my mom, hey ma, i passed some sort of regulatory test, nice, huh? not at par with the med boards or bar or whatever it is that pompously stratifies those appendages with your name, but at least, you're certified in something you enjoy lounging in. hohum another how many hours at work, got my security pass today, finally! will have to get my paycheck so I can at least say to myself that i am worth so many bucks. have to fight the temptation to spend it all in one symbol of freedom, or at least half of it, but i already texted my dad to put some racks on the old lancer.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Someone put it in a concise way, writing with a social aspect. Amusingly, reading up on these briefers about all the pending bills makes me think of how in government, romantic notions are blurred and people are inclined towards output instead of advocacy. I recently asked for a copy of the position paper of professors from Ateneo re. the RH bill to help me out in studying the SB, and I grew increasingly gloomy as it dawned upon me that the academe is always hopeful, is always creative, is always out for the truth. Unlike this place I find myself in, I have trouble jamming it in my head that I have to make interpellations for a bill. Surprisingly, these bills are those I found intriguing while I was in school. Now it just seems.. I dunno distant to me. It's sad.
I can't wait to see if I passed that test so I can finally come to terms with myself and decide to finish an MA in a year's time. I've always maintained that there are underpinnings when going through actions in life, that things aren't done by whim. I am trying to maintain that staying is character formation. But studying for a higher purpose...that's sublimation.
I can't wait to see if I passed that test so I can finally come to terms with myself and decide to finish an MA in a year's time. I've always maintained that there are underpinnings when going through actions in life, that things aren't done by whim. I am trying to maintain that staying is character formation. But studying for a higher purpose...that's sublimation.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
WELL HELLO THERE! I have officially worked in the senate for a month and a week. Honestly, the routine is getting to be a good thing. Don't get that depressed anymore, haha. I'm glad I decided to push through with masters even if I'm not sure if I'm going to pass. I need something to remind me that I need to digest information. I really want to be a certified environmental planner! Whoo.
Anyway, I haven't been reflecting much, except when my hormones start acting up so I'll try to do that right now. My boo put it in a good way, that I'm "steering my life" in my own direction. Honestly, I am thankful for the many good and fun things I experienced in college. These days seem to be much more focused as I'm finally thinking about myself in terms of how I want to leave a mark or how I want to face the world as an adult.
I don't want to think that something has died in me, how my mountaineering-outdoor self has died, I'm putting it inside a baul so I can meet up with it in a few months, more mentally-able. Haha.
Anyway, I haven't been reflecting much, except when my hormones start acting up so I'll try to do that right now. My boo put it in a good way, that I'm "steering my life" in my own direction. Honestly, I am thankful for the many good and fun things I experienced in college. These days seem to be much more focused as I'm finally thinking about myself in terms of how I want to leave a mark or how I want to face the world as an adult.
I don't want to think that something has died in me, how my mountaineering-outdoor self has died, I'm putting it inside a baul so I can meet up with it in a few months, more mentally-able. Haha.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I'm trying to get the best of my alone time as next week will be spent in senate, drowning hours in creating crazy reports and briefers that are interesting but stressful. Can't wait to go to Negros because I want to fully rest and fully think of the next steps in my life, and tomorrow, as I will be fixing something in BIR, and passing my recommendations to Sir Max and Sir Leland, I will have to reflect on whether I will really push through with my masters, in-transit.
Medyo burat ako kasi kakailanganin kong magstay sa office ng hanggang 8pm next week, to make-up for my attendance in my graduation for minors. I'm thinking of what peaceful thing I can do on Fridays so I can say that I have a certain lifestyle that I want to maintain. I'm seriously considering yoga classes on Friday, if it won't create a conflict with my masters. But hello, if I pursue masters I will really have to face the fact that I will not be able to climb. Oh wells. Time to let go of that anyways.
Sometimes it makes me think that it would be good to have a routine job, something that does something technical or in customer service, so you have the entire weekend to go high. Haha, but no, I would find it too hmmm to do so. :D
Medyo burat ako kasi kakailanganin kong magstay sa office ng hanggang 8pm next week, to make-up for my attendance in my graduation for minors. I'm thinking of what peaceful thing I can do on Fridays so I can say that I have a certain lifestyle that I want to maintain. I'm seriously considering yoga classes on Friday, if it won't create a conflict with my masters. But hello, if I pursue masters I will really have to face the fact that I will not be able to climb. Oh wells. Time to let go of that anyways.
Sometimes it makes me think that it would be good to have a routine job, something that does something technical or in customer service, so you have the entire weekend to go high. Haha, but no, I would find it too hmmm to do so. :D
Monday, March 16, 2009
the year i will nod my head to tolosa
Too tired to make a read-me-i'm-really-ok-in-writing-i-don't-suck-much kinda blog so i'l just pour my guts out. Had a good learning day, colleagues made me answer the godam phone, didn't know it was part of my job description haha. wrote three messages to various high schools and to the quadricentennial of a town in marinduque (wow, ang tanda na nila). finally was able to listen in on a meeting (a real one with the senators and all) in senator enrile's consultation room. was interesting because christian monsod, hubby of my ex-teacher in basic economics winnie monsod was speaking on behalf of civil society groups regarding CARPER. weird how senators were open about it although they all had their reservations, we know that in some way or another haciendero blood runs through their veins or else they wouldn't have gotten to where they are, that is, recipients of the best education the Philippines (and for some, the world). for the most part, it made me realize how being here is serious business and how a a lot of people's dreams are pegged on this institution. funny how the senate and congress have their pointing fingers in a knot kasi nagduduruan sila ng hindi na maintindihan. lord help me survive this arena haha else i prematurely nod my head to tolosa, well that's the plan my man, but not just yet. keep your fists up
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Hello Senate
Okay, so I sold out. I accepted a job that I wanted three-fourths bad. The only thing pungent about it is that I am slave to the devil wearing batik (hah). Aside from that, I am able to work with issues in the environment, and I can say that I am part of her think-tank. I am strategically in the arena where I can functionally disillusion myself so I can spend half of my life working whole-heartedly for the fisheries sector. Good pay, smart people, no Fridays (but the sun don't shine no more when I get out).
I'm thinking of spending my Fridays and Saturdays studying in The School of Urban and Regional Planning, only if it weren't so tiring. Will have to ask recommendations from Sir Leland, Sir Max and Dr. Lim. I'm planning on totally detaching myself from anything that reminds me of that bitch with the annoying voice, so here I am digging my cave. I calculated that I can finish my masters in two years, and the next year will be dovoted to travelling in various places.
So sue me, I have not gone to the beach yet. Pitty, but I don't care much, I need to step away from it so I can fall in love with it again. I miss Dumaguete though. And Bacolod. But I will be travelling back to it in two weeks' time.
I'm thinking of spending my Fridays and Saturdays studying in The School of Urban and Regional Planning, only if it weren't so tiring. Will have to ask recommendations from Sir Leland, Sir Max and Dr. Lim. I'm planning on totally detaching myself from anything that reminds me of that bitch with the annoying voice, so here I am digging my cave. I calculated that I can finish my masters in two years, and the next year will be dovoted to travelling in various places.
So sue me, I have not gone to the beach yet. Pitty, but I don't care much, I need to step away from it so I can fall in love with it again. I miss Dumaguete though. And Bacolod. But I will be travelling back to it in two weeks' time.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Pricing oneself well
Oh well, oh well.
Bago ko gahasain ang tesis ko, kumbaga, gawaing revision (sa ika labing-isang pagkakataon), ako muna ay magbblog.
Wala namang nagsabi na madali ang buhay, o na may utang ang buhay sa tao. At sa totoo lang, ang mga taong mahina ang loob ay ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyayari sa kanila. Kapag divisoria ang tambayan mo, siguradong 'dun ka din pupulutin. Sa mga araw na ito, kakailanganin ko na maghanap ng bagay na gusto ko at gugustuhin ako. Siguro napapanahon na rin na mag-isip na ako kung ano makapagpapasaya sa akin kasi hindi ako nag-isip ng matagal na panahon (tinago ko sa mga responsibilidad).
Masaya din pala ang mundo kapag sinusubukan mo siyang kilalanin. Hindi matatarok sa iisang daplis, maraming iba't-ibang tinik kailangan ay namnamin.
Bago ko gahasain ang tesis ko, kumbaga, gawaing revision (sa ika labing-isang pagkakataon), ako muna ay magbblog.
Wala namang nagsabi na madali ang buhay, o na may utang ang buhay sa tao. At sa totoo lang, ang mga taong mahina ang loob ay ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyayari sa kanila. Kapag divisoria ang tambayan mo, siguradong 'dun ka din pupulutin. Sa mga araw na ito, kakailanganin ko na maghanap ng bagay na gusto ko at gugustuhin ako. Siguro napapanahon na rin na mag-isip na ako kung ano makapagpapasaya sa akin kasi hindi ako nag-isip ng matagal na panahon (tinago ko sa mga responsibilidad).
Masaya din pala ang mundo kapag sinusubukan mo siyang kilalanin. Hindi matatarok sa iisang daplis, maraming iba't-ibang tinik kailangan ay namnamin.
Monday, February 23, 2009
oi iya postmodern daw oh
kailangan sirain ang buhay ngayong linggo kasi pagktapos nito ay wala ng magiisip para sa iyo
siguro pasalamat nalang ako sa lm na nadelay yung proseso ng mga apat na taon. pero ngayon hindi na pwedeng excuse ang childhood o ang droga o ang kaibigan o ang hindi pagkasanay sa pagbabago kasi bente dos ka na gaga at kailangan mo na magsarili at sa pagsasarili ay maging komportable sa panahong ikaw na ang nagbubukas ng landas na pwede mo tahakin. hindi na ako masyado kinikilig sa proseso ng pagkakalas, siguro sa aspeto lang na pwede ko na uli hamakin ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na para sa akin ay pumupuno ng kahit papaano sa aking kaluluwa.
maybe before things get a little bit out of control, i'll have to promise myself that i will not worry my mom to the point that it'll bring her to tears. just enough self-bitching to regain that angsty momentum that's waiting to escape from my pants.
and with that debacle that's attached to regaining one's momentum is the fact that i will have to make amends for people whose lives i messed up, caught up, unawares. time to make coffee breaks equated with pachuca sunrises that morning mist of the self.
just pressing away pressing towards a whole lot of uncertainty just pressing away to release some of them negative energy i was light headed but i must admit character comes from the heavy crown put on your head, ballasted you to the ground. but i miss the carousings that claim that you can and you will somehow shower yourself with a little mindful of glitter, something that you hastily shoved up your ass
that something you can't quite put a finger on but you are steadily trying to remember, trying to put your life on the play button only it's your dvd now baby
if i could claim myself again, this'll be the second time that i have tried to reach for nirvana.
i shoved the first one down the happy neurotic toilet i shoved it down with a bit of conviction, but with more of the yearning for the normalcy
and with the second one i will have to embrace that do-do found in my own corner of the brain, i don't care if i don't paraphrase postmodernism very well, if i don't succumb to the girl in everyone's head, if i don't give shit about chores.
It's nearing 1 pm, and the truth is, i'm about to age a minute older. But that doesn't stop me from clawing my shriveled fingers to what's left of the interesting amusing in me. Earn for your linguistic pretentious dreams you fucking polyglot shove it up your international asses i never wanted to be at par with anything that you had to offer
Allusion is for the faint-hearted; this is for all of you who hope for butterflies for bunnies for cute dogs dandruff was never cute your small ankles were never cute your bulging bulges of bags in areas they are not supposed to be were never cute
Is this wine or is this whine? She don't drink wine, yeah? Well fuck it and get drunk on something that's worth your while believe me this is just an exercise for my fingertips wait til you get to my tongue
So you pout and your snout and snog is what i make out of everything; your snog interestingly causes alarm and does perhaps send an alarm to those whose existence are similarly like yours go watch a movie friends something that will shatter your increasingly faint faint light
At
the
end
of all
this
hey
look it's that
caucasian sonova
bitch
siguro pasalamat nalang ako sa lm na nadelay yung proseso ng mga apat na taon. pero ngayon hindi na pwedeng excuse ang childhood o ang droga o ang kaibigan o ang hindi pagkasanay sa pagbabago kasi bente dos ka na gaga at kailangan mo na magsarili at sa pagsasarili ay maging komportable sa panahong ikaw na ang nagbubukas ng landas na pwede mo tahakin. hindi na ako masyado kinikilig sa proseso ng pagkakalas, siguro sa aspeto lang na pwede ko na uli hamakin ang sarili ko sa mga bagay na para sa akin ay pumupuno ng kahit papaano sa aking kaluluwa.
maybe before things get a little bit out of control, i'll have to promise myself that i will not worry my mom to the point that it'll bring her to tears. just enough self-bitching to regain that angsty momentum that's waiting to escape from my pants.
and with that debacle that's attached to regaining one's momentum is the fact that i will have to make amends for people whose lives i messed up, caught up, unawares. time to make coffee breaks equated with pachuca sunrises that morning mist of the self.
just pressing away pressing towards a whole lot of uncertainty just pressing away to release some of them negative energy i was light headed but i must admit character comes from the heavy crown put on your head, ballasted you to the ground. but i miss the carousings that claim that you can and you will somehow shower yourself with a little mindful of glitter, something that you hastily shoved up your ass
that something you can't quite put a finger on but you are steadily trying to remember, trying to put your life on the play button only it's your dvd now baby
if i could claim myself again, this'll be the second time that i have tried to reach for nirvana.
i shoved the first one down the happy neurotic toilet i shoved it down with a bit of conviction, but with more of the yearning for the normalcy
and with the second one i will have to embrace that do-do found in my own corner of the brain, i don't care if i don't paraphrase postmodernism very well, if i don't succumb to the girl in everyone's head, if i don't give shit about chores.
It's nearing 1 pm, and the truth is, i'm about to age a minute older. But that doesn't stop me from clawing my shriveled fingers to what's left of the interesting amusing in me. Earn for your linguistic pretentious dreams you fucking polyglot shove it up your international asses i never wanted to be at par with anything that you had to offer
Allusion is for the faint-hearted; this is for all of you who hope for butterflies for bunnies for cute dogs dandruff was never cute your small ankles were never cute your bulging bulges of bags in areas they are not supposed to be were never cute
Is this wine or is this whine? She don't drink wine, yeah? Well fuck it and get drunk on something that's worth your while believe me this is just an exercise for my fingertips wait til you get to my tongue
So you pout and your snout and snog is what i make out of everything; your snog interestingly causes alarm and does perhaps send an alarm to those whose existence are similarly like yours go watch a movie friends something that will shatter your increasingly faint faint light
At
the
end
of all
this
hey
look it's that
caucasian sonova
bitch
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Was able to enter Miriam for the third time in my life. One was during a Taekwondo competition in High School, the second and third for that meeting with people concerned with the trees in Katipunan. Had a bit of a hellish DS day today. From 9 to 12 I was in that stakeholders meeting, and my mind hurt from all the different opinions and suggestions from ages 20 to 70. From 12 to 2 I had to watch Batas Militar for History class. From 2 to 4 I was shuffling from ISO to that blasted printing shop at Prince David to OAS for my thesis. I'm going to have to present tomorrow, and I haven't done my presentation, because my body hurts, and I just ate, and I'm feeling restless. What's good about today is how I'm slowly solidifying the idea of having a career related to the environment even if I'm not sure what further studies to take.
Miriam and Ateneo both have an MA degree in Environmental Management, and Miriam interestingly had a good curriculum. What's nice about MEM in Ateneo is that it's in partnership with ASG and University of San Fransisco. I hear it also makes you a graduate of that school. I saw my friend who graduated from the degree with an ID in that school. O diba? You don't even need a visa. Haha
And I still want to pursue CRM in a good school. If it's good that we're talking about, probably the best the Philippines has to offer is in Silliman.
OK OK OK presentation na
Miriam and Ateneo both have an MA degree in Environmental Management, and Miriam interestingly had a good curriculum. What's nice about MEM in Ateneo is that it's in partnership with ASG and University of San Fransisco. I hear it also makes you a graduate of that school. I saw my friend who graduated from the degree with an ID in that school. O diba? You don't even need a visa. Haha
And I still want to pursue CRM in a good school. If it's good that we're talking about, probably the best the Philippines has to offer is in Silliman.
OK OK OK presentation na
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
can't help but dream of the beach i've been waiting for this for five years oh my gahd what is it i want to do and engage myself in shemayyyyy can't wait to sand and shrivel up like a prune soaking up the sun oh my gahd! further studies is slipping out of my mind it's getting to the point that i want to shout and leave it all behind i can't wait to highten those senses again i smell the beach i smell the coconuts i smell the tubo os shet i want to vacation i want to laos with iya note to self some of the things i absolutely must do: DFA, CSE, NEDA, inquire masters even in my pretentious state, the hell i know, the hell i care i just want that MA on my leash if it'll be lika a rat race, it'll all be good, good to start early to end early my gad picture picture is on the way whooo hooo drunk in another state drunk in my liking that state
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Blasted
Lie low is key, lie low is everything it's summed up to be
Lie low is needles on your feet, lie low is that slow decay on your teeth
Lie low is something that tendered a resignation
Or something akin to that of postboredom
Lie low leaves you for gray, and you can't help but look for ripples in your pond
Or something that is perceived of that kind, pretentious included
Open the doors for everything that you hoped for
The sea, the schizophrenia, the hypnotic bliss you once threw out the window
The love you once embezzled with curls or chinks or chastity
Destroy the third world reality with your pompous foot-pounding
Signify nothing solid, have it liquidated with your morning breath
That stench you once called home, leave it for something
Cut it short grow it long I liked it long
Long enough to nail me to the ground
Ballasted, blasted from this space
Lie low is needles on your feet, lie low is that slow decay on your teeth
Lie low is something that tendered a resignation
Or something akin to that of postboredom
Lie low leaves you for gray, and you can't help but look for ripples in your pond
Or something that is perceived of that kind, pretentious included
Open the doors for everything that you hoped for
The sea, the schizophrenia, the hypnotic bliss you once threw out the window
The love you once embezzled with curls or chinks or chastity
Destroy the third world reality with your pompous foot-pounding
Signify nothing solid, have it liquidated with your morning breath
That stench you once called home, leave it for something
Cut it short grow it long I liked it long
Long enough to nail me to the ground
Ballasted, blasted from this space
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Was thinking of what kind of person I want to become after college. I certainly would not want to grow big thighs, that is why I have finally decided to still keep that outdoor vibe, even if I was thinking of totally stepping away from it.
Just a few weeks before college has kept me thinking about how I will have to make certain u-turns, for the sake of rediscovering what it is I really enjoy doing, minus the guilt of having to shape up to get my grubby hands on that stupid diploma.
It's funny how ayala foundation and other companies I applied for online have responded and said that they would contact me in March for developments. I wonder if they really remember to open their resume file reserve to scout for people. Oh well.
If that senate stint doesn't call up, I will have to MOVE MY ASS and apply for that MA degree. In what, I still am having trouble deciding if I want to pursue sociology. Bahala na come March.
And with the help of chickas, I think everything's going to turn out fine.. :D
Just a few weeks before college has kept me thinking about how I will have to make certain u-turns, for the sake of rediscovering what it is I really enjoy doing, minus the guilt of having to shape up to get my grubby hands on that stupid diploma.
It's funny how ayala foundation and other companies I applied for online have responded and said that they would contact me in March for developments. I wonder if they really remember to open their resume file reserve to scout for people. Oh well.
If that senate stint doesn't call up, I will have to MOVE MY ASS and apply for that MA degree. In what, I still am having trouble deciding if I want to pursue sociology. Bahala na come March.
And with the help of chickas, I think everything's going to turn out fine.. :D
Monday, February 9, 2009
I was looking over several ballpens scattered on my desk and found it amusing how I stopped getting excited over small abubots . I remember how free I was during my kiddie days wherein I would take home almost every trinket, keychain, any small treasure I could get my hands on. And it never failed giving me that kilig whenever I played with it or reminisced a certain memory. I guess this is the way I am right now, forcing myself to stop any urge of remembering. I don't know if it has done me that good, or if it has created me into a person more productive of her time, but I admit that I miss being more of my creative self. If I can only transpose that need to whatever it is the grown-up world can offer me, then I would be on my way.
After doing a pretensious interpretation of Allen Ginsberg's Howl
After struggling to come up with an acceptable analysis of Batacan's Smaller and Smaller Circles
After coming to terms with myself and finally passing that final draft of my thesis
After doing a pretensious interpretation of Allen Ginsberg's Howl
After struggling to come up with an acceptable analysis of Batacan's Smaller and Smaller Circles
After coming to terms with myself and finally passing that final draft of my thesis
Saturday, February 7, 2009
I should be working on my thesis right now, but I just woke up from my pambawi nap, and I want to get a little bit of something for my insight-deprived mind. I had fun with LM today, as we ventured out to help Jaja with her raket for the school she works with. After the La Mesa Dam, we went to UP for some drinks. I bought a JD Salinger book, and although seemed like a good idea at that time, I don't know if it still is haha because I'd rather lounge around in the couch and read through it than revise my thesis.
Was talking to a fellow-LM who, like me, knows what it feels like to rot in college. I just feel like throwing up and wanting to graduate. The march isn't really much of a thing for me as replaying it in my mind for the nth time has suddenly felt tiring. Also, the idea of drinking my brains out doesn't appeal to me, as I would rather have a nice vacation in Manapla instead.
I just recently finished defending LM with OSA, and the feeling after defending it was superb. However, I find myself really wanting some time to climb guilt-free, acads-free, with the best people in the world. Or I would want to have that feeling in Dumaguete last semestral break wherein I made it a point to relax. (Shit, I need to get those pictures)
Pinning down things is so mechanical. For once, I want to feel like I am doing something on my own accord without having to wreck my brains in search of voices and reasons not to.
Was talking to a fellow-LM who, like me, knows what it feels like to rot in college. I just feel like throwing up and wanting to graduate. The march isn't really much of a thing for me as replaying it in my mind for the nth time has suddenly felt tiring. Also, the idea of drinking my brains out doesn't appeal to me, as I would rather have a nice vacation in Manapla instead.
I just recently finished defending LM with OSA, and the feeling after defending it was superb. However, I find myself really wanting some time to climb guilt-free, acads-free, with the best people in the world. Or I would want to have that feeling in Dumaguete last semestral break wherein I made it a point to relax. (Shit, I need to get those pictures)
Pinning down things is so mechanical. For once, I want to feel like I am doing something on my own accord without having to wreck my brains in search of voices and reasons not to.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Drama-Rama, Hello me!
I never knew that being emotional could be so destructive. Ironically, it is only during these days that I realize how being emotional is translated into being weak. Three more weeks, and I'm about to break free.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
There is something transient about everything nowadays. I have been experimenting with the idea of detachment to things, and it made me realize that holding on is exactly what keeps everything in motion. Dipping one's feet in the isolation ward is what makes everything fly, and colors everything a dull shade.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Long time since
Decided to finally write on this blog of mine, only to express how I am feeling strangely nostalgic of college even if I'm still in it. Admittedly, I have not been hanging out with the organization, and I am a bit scared that I am beginning to preoccupy myself with "matters of great consequence". Weirdly enough, I hung out with Sir Pulan and got to say hi to Bobby Guevarra today. I remember telling Iya how I did not know if I would be the type who would remain active during climbs, basing this from my recent nonchalance towards the upcoming summer climbs. Don't get me wrong, I am excited by the way things are turning out. The youngsters are vibrant, the org is in good hands, and I could not wish for anything more. I felt guilty and asked Iya what the hell was happening with me, and she replied that it might be natural to feel that way because I might have had too much LM. There are things that I don't get tired of, and I am thankful that I still get to see them every week, or every other week.
It's just really odd. I remember getting riled up over LM, but would go back to it. Lately, I've been feeling numb. Maybe it's the right time to take a breather.
It's just really odd. I remember getting riled up over LM, but would go back to it. Lately, I've been feeling numb. Maybe it's the right time to take a breather.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Fourth Year for Cheer
I am happy right now, even if I have a gazillion of things to put into place. This has been the most "me" feeling I've had for a long time. Maybe it has something to do with the running, or the fact that I put on my utilize-thee-glasses. It has taken a while for me to separate responsibility from care, or convenience and practicality from another word I can't seem to put a finger on.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Try to put your grubby hands on this
I was juggling with the words deny and deprive the whole Christmas break, and it resulted to this. Here I go again marking that4 am shit. Well, I'll just go ahead and download music instead. It's funny how I was thinking of making plans to z, and it realized while taking a long puff that it's not going to go anywhere near great even if I try to iron it out. I suddenly had a doze of inspiration from my friends, and decided that the last thing I'm doing with heart was that thing two days ago. And to hell with all the penmanship inside the blue lines. I go with where I am happy this time, and even if titillation leads to the road to perdition, I'm taking it. That stone-faced mask is getting pretty attractive.
gawd cant wait to graduate i want to leave the country for a while i think i think that will be the most independent i can get where the fuck am i going in this country but i dont want to leave it all behind and leave nothing what an ingrate right but there it is the itch the coleman boy the attractive bisexual they have achieved nirvana
Bagong Taon, Bagong Struggle, Bagong Saya
The new year! Best not to expect anything from it and let it flow. Spending my last day here at home seems like a perfect time to go emotional; I'm going to fight my way through these two months for the last time. I don't know why I can't concentrate at home, maybe it's because of the all the space-too much room for my imagination to fly. haha. Was I productive over the break? Climbed a cheap thrill, finally passed the grant (fingers-crossed), read up on Redcliffe and Mme. Bovary, but did not at all start writing my thesis. Went over it though, and will start tomorrow on the socio-economic profile of the barangay. I pparalyzed myself over the break, thinking about how this year will go for me and how the last year went for me. I did not decide on NOT smoking and shit, but I did decide not to obssess over some things. I found it touching when Mansy told me how she felt for me whenever I was struggling internally, and she hoped that I would graduate soon so that I could do things that I wanted. Honestly, the pressure's building up because I should really be graduating this time. I miss the "sea" in me. hehe.
Since everyone's talking about having a recession this year, my mom and dad's all for making me study this year, and we were talking about how even middle-aged people are applying for call centers. I begged my mom to smack me in the head if I thought about entering because I really want to put an MA after my name. MA in what? Not sure exactly, but sociology is really appealing to me.
Since everyone's talking about having a recession this year, my mom and dad's all for making me study this year, and we were talking about how even middle-aged people are applying for call centers. I begged my mom to smack me in the head if I thought about entering because I really want to put an MA after my name. MA in what? Not sure exactly, but sociology is really appealing to me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)