May iba nanaman ako nararamdaman kapag bumabalik sa maynila. Parang hindi ko mahawakan ang mga tao na nakakasalamuha ko. Gusto ko na bumitaw kasi hindi ako natutuwa sa kinagagalawan ko, pero ika nga naman ni mama walang mangyayari kung hindi maghihirap at magsisimula sa maliit. Pero sa panahong ito, kahit mga taong dapat malapit sa puso ko hindi ko makunan ng inspirasyon na maging magaling, mas lalo ko pang nararamdaman na walang kwenta ako at hindi ko alam kung bakit. Ayoko na sumunod sa kahit anong sabihin nila at ayaw ko na sumagot sa bawat tanong o obserbasyon. Hindi ko alam kung ngayon lang ako naapektohan sa mga pangyayari pero parang may nawawala, at ang malabo dito, parang ayaw ko pa hawakan ng mas mahigpit ang mga tinuturing malapit sa akin. Gusto ko munang mapag-isa, at hindi ko din naman kasi makunan ng katotohanan sila. Ewan ko lang.

sabi kanina ni ate norie, "mon u look depressed." fuck, ganon na ba ka-sabog itsura ko? anyway, i can't help but feel down right now, ang shit ng nararamdaman ko. ang dami kong pinagpalit sa mga iba't-ibang bagay at medyo hindi ko alam kung tama tong mga pinagagawa ko. i should be resting my brain right now, but i can't help but think until i feel bad and sleep it all off, thus rendering me unproductive and boring. i have this perpetual feeling that i am forever waiting for something or someone. i don't really understand it, but when i look at how things wallow at home, i can't help but feel more sordidly unstable. hindi ako makagalaw sa mundo ko ngayon, i feel like i built poles around me without meaning to. kailangan ko ng baklasin tong mga shit ideas, shit mundane things that i think i have to be so i can be happy. here i am on a friday night at home, loser-like, riled-up against some invisible enemy.

for once i want to feel that i am doing something on my own accord. fuck what the hell is making me stop moving. i hate thinking about other peoples' feelings. never felt like they cared much about mine anyway.

Been drowning myself in beach-like sounds, my mind's going haywire again, could this be a rush of blood to the southern part of my body, and if minus the bear, would i dare survive? if this means i wanluvyu do i keep on drowning myself in the same loud noises? if i dare neuroticize will i see you by my side? or is it just the way it goes, i can never fully reveal myself to you because we will never roll down the same hill together because i went up the other way. or do i just pretend i don't hear the futile futile sounds of murmurings, that smile, that taking it all in. but sometimes i cannot take it all in. N! i shout jokingly, but then again i do not know what i want yet. i could follow that same path, and kill my soul. i should've been prettily waiting and ready for domestication 101, but i dare not. i will not succumb to the idea because i have grasped my wheel a long time before i even had the idea. then again, this ain't no surfin' movie, but it ain't no sex in the city. i may be a waste of time. honestly, you may choose not to wait for me, and it's fine. nitro might just set in soon, and i'll be by your side.

Sarili

Nararamdaman ko nananman na nagiging chess piece lang ako sa buhay ko ngayon. Sarap bumitaw sa mga bagay at kunin ang nararapat. Pwede ba, sa mga taong akalang buong buo na sila, sa akin lang, marami ka pang kakaining bigas, kaya putangina, dumihan mo muna kamay mo.