Presents-ya

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to text at 4 in the morning knowing that a reply is on its way? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

HAPPY 2008 niggahz!

Nice firecracking with the kids on the street! Lil benny and me!

OH MY GOD

Okey, okey, okey. Kailangan ko na i-jumpstart ang aking buhay putang inaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kasagsagan ng pagiging bibo sa pagpasok ng taon, kailangan ko maging masinop sa pagbabasa at pagfofollow-up taena sarap maging sunod-sunuran pero PUTEK mangangati ka rin sa kunsyensya hahahahahahay tangina talaga! Sarap sumubsob sa aralin, parang wala ka namang masisi at madadamay kundi sarili mo PERO hanggang dun nalang. Parang love-hate ang maging involved sa mga bagay at magpakahasa sa sariling gawa pero yung pinakamahirap yung kasagsagan ng pag-iisa pero hindi pa rin nahahasa, yung tambay mode lang mas kumakati ng kumakati hanggang esplosions in the sky ka nalang putek lofty-lofty nalang whooooo OH MY GOD. SAN AKO PUPULUTIN OH MY GOD SANA SPONGE AKO!

Teka teka teka

Had a good vacation in Baguio, but somehow I sill can't get to put both fists up in the air, partly because my other arm still hurts from the tetanus shot I just got.

Always New Depths

We're always looking for new depths, and what if there is really no depth, and we could have been going around in circles, making ourselves dizzy, not caring, and actually loving it? In fact dizziness spurs out of the fact that my eyebrows are all scrunched up for the need to understand, reading like there's no tomorrow, skinning everything alive only to stitch things back pretending everything is the same. No Og Mandino, no Blue Mountain Arts, no Dale Carnegie.

pasko na!

Parang yung pinakamahirap na gawin ngayon ay umangkas sa sistema.

What has transpired over the past weeks

Skilty Labastilla grabe, nawa'y maawa ka sa mga estudyante ng research methods. Ang dami-daming nangyari nung mga nakaraang linggo, at ang masasabi ko lang, skilty, hanep ka talaga!!!!!!!!!!!! Prepare for battle spartans! Next year, walang kaibikaibigan kasi gegerahin na ang akademya. Pusa. Hindi ko magawang maging totally relaxed kasi alam ko may lumilinger na mga kashiznetan haha wala yatang araw na walang papasa, test, report, etc. Pero ayus lang good, good, sige Ateneo hasain mo lang ang aming mental stability at stress and pressure level grabe skilty ang galing mo talaga hanep! Sputnik raks moltov!

Anyway.

Dati naisip ko na ako yung tipong mag-aayos ng mga bagay-bagay para guluhin lamang ulit, tulad ng pag-aayos ko ng drawer na may laman ng damit tapos pag hektik na ay maghihihila lang ng damit at aalis ng bahay. Ganun yata talaga ang mundong gagalawan ko, pero kailangan mag-hasa ng sarili pagdating sa mga sitwasyon na kailangan consistently maging medyo alerto. Eto nanaman ako para pangaralan ang sarili ko. hehe

Masaya ako ngayon. Ok kami ng pamilya ko, ok ako sa sarili ko, hindi na ako masyado nag-eexpect sa mga tao at sa sarili, hindi sa complacent sense pero sa hinay-lang-iha sense. Kasi sa totoo lang, at totoo nga naman, nakuha ko sa kaibigan ko, na wala namang utang sa iyo ang mundo. Kaya pagdating sa flexi-time, putek, ikaw na magadjust.

Ang saya na madaming walang alam. Parang bawat araw may makukutkot putek hahahaha. :D

Tanginang nasal congestion yan

Ang sakit ng left side ng mukha ko, barado ilong ko. Takte, kanina pa ako tulog ng tulog para gumaan pakiramdam ko, sumasakit naman ulo ko. Pag umuubo ako parang gusto lumabas ng mga baga ko letse anubayan. Walang mapag-usapan ngayon, ang blanko ng nararamdaman ko. Parang ayaw ko gumawa ng kahit ano kasi walang magagawa. Kanina pa ako akyat-baba ng bahay, parang walang interesanteng gawin. Kahit yung mga pinakanakakakilig na libro ay masarap itapon sa bintana. Hehe, di naman. Masarap lang itabi. Tapos ang bigat ng buhok ko, parang ang sarap magpakalbo. Tangina talaga kasalanan to ng nasal congestion eh. Tapos yung init parang kakaiba, parang microwave yung dating yung tipong alam mong masamang init siya.

Kahapon sa wedding ng aking pinsan, nakita ko si Japog! WAH! Ate niya pala yung kakasal sa pinsan ko. Laftrip. Tapos ang dami pang nakakagulat nalaman. Mapapaisip ka talaga sa buhay. Isang pagkakamali, madaming epekto.

Shuffle

There are just some things that you cannot penetrate, and it hurts your very temples when you beat your brain for understanding. Or when you can see right through the future, or how the present slyly works its way. Or how circumstances can really whip your ass, or how it can suck the life out of you. Your cracked shell needs mending, and it will forever ooze that others get annoyed by it. Sticking to what has been said, what has been done, you are caught in the state of shuffle again. Maybe rebellion WILL lead to more awareness regarding yourself. A limp person may not race with an able-bodied person. But it will be okay soon. You cannot keep on trying to shape-shift for others when you can't shape up for yourself. Attention for the self will keep you sane eventually.

Sick

Akademya
Biba
Pagmamahal
Reklamasyon
Emosyonal
Plastikan
Pagiisa

Ciudad

Wanton tick-tocks,
Such proud strides!
Brazen peacocks;
Try felling me.

Sa probinsya ako umeskapo sa lahat ng kalokohang iniisip ko at humaharap sa akin sa ciudad. At sa katahimikan ng pagsasarili, wala masyadong nakakagulat na nangyari, pero sa loob ang kulo.

Stumped

Guimaras Yonder

The Modern Herder

Temporary Balancing Act

Reclamation

Two different high schools, bound by the same humor. haha

photo by Mansy Tae Abesamis

May punto lahat tumatakbo

Kala mo madrama noh? Hindi. Kanina lang nagbububusina yung trak ng basura sa harap namin. Nagsisisigaw kapatid ko, "Basura, basura!", at nagtatatakbo pababa ng hagdaan, parang baliw. Hudyat ito na ako rin ay tumakbo pababa. Sinigaw ko, "Paalis na ba?!" Sabi niya,"Nasa harap pa ng bahay! Bilis!"

May tatlong plastik ng basura sa kusina, inabot ko ang dalawang supot sa kanya at sabi, "Mauna ka na! Susunod ako!" habang kinukuha ang naguumapaw na plastik ng basura na mas mayor sa ibang plastik bag; siya yung nakapasok sa basurahan, pero dahil sa pagkamayor niya ay siya rin yung mahirap na tanggalin sa basurahan. Halos sabay na kami tumakbo papalabas ng bahay nang nakita ko ang boypren niya, tila'y huli na, nagtatatakbo pababa ng hagdanan, sumusunod samin palabas ng bahay. Nagawa ng ate ko! Nabigay niya ang unang dalawang supot, at naabutan ko ang basurero at inabot sa kanya ang huling supot.

Putek laftrip! May punto talaga na lahat tumatakbo. Patakbo-takbo pa boypren ng kapatid ko wala namang dala! wahahha Parang ang saya lahat na-hectic.

Pitter-patter is the only dominant sound
I hear-
Aside from your precise breathing,
The chimes on your neighbor's door.

Sitting upright,
I keep my ears open, keen on catching
Silent kisses or
Whispers of sweet nothings
Nothing.
I fear nothing,
I fear the only
Sound left to hear would be that of
Doors slamming
Shut.
Unless diving into dimly-lit wells
And matches scratched on semi-rough surfaces
Produce gentle crackling sounds of burning,
(Still burning) ember.
Something that which likens
Sheets rustling or
Hair-messing
Or
Me shuffling.

Domestication 101

My family's weird setting has caught up with me; I am now the point person at home. I used to be the one called "boarder" because I was seldom found at home. Now that I have decided to wave the white flag, people at home pounced on me. haha. I just finished washing the dirty dishes, and it seems that there will always be dirty dishes to clean and keep, clean and keep, clean and keep. You keep the dishes only to use them again, and I found it so absurd and necessary at the same time. You can't just leave the washed dishes on the thingamajig, in a few minutes, you will have to keep the dishes on the cabinet.

I used to tell my mom to get out of the house, and let go of her duties as a housewife. But it is today that I realize that once you agree to become domesticated, there is no easy way out. You can become a quasi-housewife, meddling with the business of your hired help, but really, it will become frustrating. Like they say, if you want to get things done, do it yourself.

Mob

Sa mga pagkakataon na may mas malaking kalaban ang isang grupo, o mas malaking dapat harapin, wala na talagang panahong mag-away. May mga panahong parang umiiba na sa pokus ng mga tao kung ano ba ang mas malaking isyu na dapat harapin. Ewan ko, oo kagalit-galit, pero sa totoo lang, saan ba naggagaling ang galit na 'yon?

Ewan ko ba.

Prinsipyo

Minsan may nag-sabi sa akin, " 'Yan ka nanaman sa mga prinsipyo mo, eh." Nung panahon na 'yon, natawa ako. Kasi joke-time lang naman yung nangyayari nun.

Iba pala talaga pag prinsipyo na yung nakataya, mahahanap mo nalang ang sarili mo sa sitwasyon na walang kaibi-kaibigan.

At para gamitin ang term ng isa kong kaibigan, ayoko maging isang "war-monger". Madalas nagtitimpi ako na magsabi ng mga bagay-bagay dahil hindi ko gusto manggulo, pero may mga bagay talaga na hindi ko kaya palalampasin. Aminado akong gago ako sa ibang bagay sa buhay na ito, pero kung may dadaplis sa mga paniniwalang pinaligid ko sa sarili ko mula pa lang nang nagkamalay ako, putang ina, giyera na talaga.

Sabi nila na kapag sinabi mo ang isang salita ay lumilikha ka na ibang klaseng mahika sa realidad na nakapalibot sa iyo. Maraming bagay na nangyayari sa mundo dahil sa isang mungkahi, mga pagbabago, mga magagandang bagay. Buti nalang kung may magsabi. Marami namang kaputahan na nagyayari dahil sa matulis na tunog ng katahimikan.

Kung papipiliin ako kung tatahimik na lamang at papabayaan pumutok ang ugat ko sa ulong naguumapaw sa dugo, o kung pipitik nalang ako at magsasalita, pipiliin kong pumitik pagkatao ko at umalma. Mabuting buhay keysa nagbubuhay-buhayan.

Ayos sa akin na matagpuan na nakahandusay, pumitik na ang pagkatao, bukas ang mata at stragel muling kumilos keysa mawalan ng paniniwala at pagtiwala sa mga bagay.

Squeeze something

May ma-rerealize ako sa climb na to, pramis. baw.

The Magic Numbers- This is a Song

Ang hirap pala mawala sa mundo ng katamaran. Isa siya sa mga bagay na sa sandaling pumikit ka, WALA NA! Magiging patatas ka nalang na naghihintay para maluto sa init ng kwarto mo. Jusmeh, jusmeh. Paminsan iniisip ko kung yung mga tao sa telebisyon may vision na simula't simula nung pag-apak nila sa kamulatan, tipong mga 16, 17. O tipong parang mga kabataan na medyo naguguluhan pa rin.

Uy astig sobrang bait ng Kung Sino Man Diyan Sa Taas, nakakapagsalita na lola ko! Gumagaling na siya mula sa sakit. Grabe, gusto ko umuwi sa Negros isang weekend, kasi hapon pa naman klase sa Lunes. Yahooo. Ang ayos talaga, parang ambigat ng pakiramdam nahindi mo alam kung anong nangyayari sa dako ng Pinas na 'yun. Whattarelief! Salamat, salamat.

CRACKS LEAD TO MOTHERFUCKING CRASHES

Paminsan talaga

Ito nanaman ako. Paminsan talaga gusto ko kumawala sa mga nangyayari kahit wala naman talagang masamang nangyayari, parang lumiliit ang mundo na nakakasuka at nakakahilo na. Maghahanap ka talaga ng totoo sa babasahin sa papanoorin sa mga pag-uusap at mga pananaw ng ibang tao pero hindi ka talaga lubusang magiging ewan. Kaya paminsan pipiliin mo nalang maging malabo ang pagtingin at pagkaintindi sa mga bagay-bagay, para kumbaga dinaanan ka lang, kasi kung hindi ka amat, parang dadaplis sayo pero masusugatan ka. Papagpagin mo nalang ang pantalon at maglalakad muli hanggang sa makahanap ng bagong pwedeng pagkadapaan. Nakaktawa at parang nakakita ako ng taong napuputa sa mundo ng madalas-dalas, parang nakita ko sarili ko, tapos medyo nakakapagod. Tapos inisip ko baka nakakapagod tong ginagawa ko, pero inisip ko na rin na hindi naman ako napapagod sa ginagawa ko kundi sa nangyayari. So don't expect me to be apologetic. Hahahahaha

P*KE united

Just met up with my high school friends, and it felt nice being surrounded by people with the same history. And it feels even better to have girls to talk to about everything under the sun. From the serious, to the southern, to the sordid. Haha! It was such a blast. I'm really looking forward to seeing them again. :D

blanko

sociavle? sociables? sosyalites? chilites? chilishiznets!

war!

Kanina muntik nako yumosi as in plinano ko na sa pag-uwi bababa ako ng tsikot at bibili ng isang kaha ng menthol na marlboro, ang aking paboritong yosi sa buong mundo, una pa sa pulang pantatay na sigarilyo. Pero putsa, tinulog ko nalang. Nag-iisip ako ng pagkakaabalahan sa second sem lalu't-lalo na bakante umaga ko, at walang akong klase sa sabado (yeye!). Balak ko yatang galawin nanaman ang aking katawan sa huni ng mga indian. Watch out Dhalsim, I'm gonna get you. Yeye Bhaz Luhrmann! STREEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH.

Another lazy afternoon

Last night I had a weird dream. There was a fire in the building that me and my friends were in. One of my old friends died, and I remember having a heavy feeling while sleeping, and in my dream I was crying. You know how moms are depicted in the news when their child dies? I was going through the same actions.

Narealize ko ngayon lang na sa haharapin ko for the next months, the next years, kailangan talaga more than tibay ng puso at katawan, tibay ng isip. Naalala ko yung immersion ko sa Camarines, tapos yung kantang Perpekto ni Dong A., tapos maiisip mo talaga na kailangan matino ka mag-isip at fight lang. Puta, fight!

LATAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

putarages. tatlo 6 to 9 classes ko this sem! nakakatawa! ano kami postgrad students? hahahahaha pero kung iisipin mo, nakaktuwa din kasi yung mga prof namin hardcore development practitioners kaya sa gabi lang nagtuturo. O diba sila hardcore, kami rin hardcore. Yun nalang iisipin ko haha. With my mami back in Negros this second sem, maglalaboy nanaman ako at maghahanap ng mga katsibugan sa gabi ng tuesday, wednesday at friday. wahooo fun fun fun! makahanap nga ng trabaho sa umaga. haha letse putres! pero ayos lang fight lang.

Boxing tayo, antok.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. - Henry Chinaski, Barfly 1987


I'm back to my routine of challenging sleepiness. Another word that sounds hilarious: tiba-tiba. hahaha!

whe?!

brevity is wi.

City of God (In Mandaluyong, Kasipagan Street)

My mom didn't feel like cooking today, and I wasn't in the mood to offer my pathetic services, so we decided to just eat out or order some food. Then she suggested that we try out this new deli in front of our house, and I said, "WHAT DELI?" Turns out the new establishment on our street was not a fancy-shmansy parlor, but an Italian restaurant owned by the head chef of Old Spaghetti House. If you've been to my neighborhood, you'd know why I refer to it as Mandaluyong's Little City of God. Honestly, we even have our own little Benny (the son of the jeepney driver that lives in the softdrink warehouse in front of our house, WHO WEARS GLASSES!) He's adorable, but whenever the other kids start gathering, you would imagine a brutal scene from that movie or that of Hostel's. It turns out that their soft opening was scheduled for tomorrow, atat kami eh. So, we were unofficially the restaurant's first customers. The food was okay; it was like TOSH only it had an Italian kick to it (whe?!). It was just so funny that whenever I would turn my head towards the window I could see the kids running around. Suffice to say, the place was out-of-place. haha. But my as my mom put it, yun daw ang totoong demokrasya.

Anyway, I have been addicted to downloading movies ever since I have been "modernized". haha. I don't think it's good anymore, when I woke up, the first thing I did was to check whether Barfly had already finished downloading itself. And then I watched it. I found it interesting for a 1987 flick, it sort of warped me to the era. After that, I decided to download Motorcycle Diaries the autobiography of Che Guevarra, Pat said it was interesting. And after that, I'm planning to download Requiem for a Dream, Brazil, Seven, Blade Runner, Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Dogville, Pulp Fiction, Annie Hall. And my favorites, The Hours, The Green Mile, The Never Ending Story, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, Girl, Interrupted, White Oleander, shit panalo. And theere are other interesting international gay/lesbian films that are highly recommended, Producing Adults, Red Doors, It's in the Water , Hidden Gem, Fire.

Words/Phrases/Slang that SOUND funny (c/o Sir, Abesamis, Paco, Cesar. atbp.):
*not intended to hurt, some are politically incorrect, paumanhin, nakakatawa lang pakinggan*

1. karancho- "mates"
2. egoy- bigot ka.
3. "akalain mo?!"- surfer na daw siya bata pa lang!
4. combo- woohoo old school para sa banda
5. mahalay- bastos na mas pa
6. salat- to feel pero may action si sir. hehe
7. pridgeder- whoohoooo
8. "shiznet"- Bisaya version of shiznit


I need to get out of the house.

Greenwich Village

Shit, sa mga twilight zones ko gusto ko talaga tumira sa Greenwich Village. Ito talagang panahong ito, 2 am to 4 am. Yung tipong pwede ko na isuko lahat sa tadhana, gawin ang kahit ano para tumira dun. At alam ko hindi mangyayari, haha. Pero ang sarap mag-imagine, kaya pag may lugar na sagada, oh my gulay,chocolate kiss, dumaguete city at cubao expo parang kinikilig ako ng todo na hindi ko mapigilan sarili ko. parang yung nerve endings ko nagkakailaw at sumasabay ang bukas-patay sa tonong masaya. Tapos nakangiti ako, mukhang gaga, tanga. at siguro parang ewan tong pangarap ko pero gusto ko talaga magkaroon ng cafe sa tagaytay na may ganung vibe. parang pag sinabihan ka ng isang tao, THINK FAST! ANO PANGANRAP MO SA BUHAY? Yun talaga sasagutin ko. Or magkaroon ng malaking warehouse/studio type na lugar sa cubao tapos whatever goes. ang hipokrito ng dating eh no, pero kunghindi iisipin ang pamilya, ang convictions, o anuman, kumbaga kung may avocation ako that's it. siguro sembreak kaya na eentertain ko tong thoughts na ito. paminsan iniisip ko na magempake ng bagahe at tumira ng dumaguete at mag-aral dun. ang labo noh? twighlight zone kasi! tonooonoonoo toonoonoonoo

gising

Kanina sa ym nalaman ko na may leukemia ung pinsan ko. Kakakilala ko lang sa kanya sa UP mga three years ago. May talento siya na solid, magaling talaga kumanta, musically-inclined in all its glory. Tapos bigla nalang mawawala ng ganun. Hindi naman sa iniisip ko na wala ng pag-asa para sa kanya. Nakakaguilty lang na sa bawat araw ay naiinis ako sa sarili ko na wala akong talento, at puro nalang angal ginagawa ko. At nung sinabi ko oh cuz, i'm sorry i don't know what to say, sabi niya it's okay i'm strong enough. nakakalungkot lang na bata pa lang siya at meron na siyang sakit. napaka unpredictable talaga ng mundo. kaya paminsan naiisip ko na na sabihin sa lahat ng kailangan sabihin at hindi na matakot kung anuman. may mga hindi lang talaga masabi dito na hindi ko mabigyang salita. ang labo ng pakiramdam ko ngayon.

guess who showed up on our doorstep, lolo ko from antique! may mga salitang USAFFE, veteran's bank at amwslai nanaman sa ere. and pataas na ng pataas boses ng nanay ko. it has always been like this with my lolo. after getting a dose of that, i tinkered with my newly downloaded copy of the royal tenenbaums. then i discovered that my cousin had leukemia. and had a chat with dart, saw him sa mall how many days ago. i feel that with my family, it's never going to be perfectly peaceful, but you can't choose family. and i am thankful for them. i really am.

just downloaded the police greatest hits. whaaaaahaaaaaaawww. memories, memories. apir.

Tigang and sarado

Tegan and Sara; they must have been dry in their previous gender

You Wouldn't Like Me

There's a war inside of me
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
Well I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
And you haven't called me in weeks and honestly it's bringing me down
I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me
I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me
And don't you worry there's still time
There's nothing to live for when I'm sleeping alone
And I wash the windows outside in hopes that the glare will bring you around
Sunshine is days away I won't be saved I know all the words
I can't say that I'll love you forever
I won't say that I'll love you forever


catchy, catchy tune :)

That I was

I went over old photos kept in my shoe box a while ago, and it washed me over with emotions and memories of how it was like growing up in a family of endless fights and flights for liberties, how in a certain way my family has indoctrinated me with ideals, how my aunt was imprisoned for speaking out against an authoritarian ruler, how my dad spent his early days as a practicing physician doing community work in far flung areas, drinking and exchanging opinions with locals, how in my uncle's house blossomed with antiquities and books that loomed of impressionistic and dangerous ideas and other forms of literature, how my mother would comment on the country's situation using all sorts of economic jargon while ranting about the jeep that just cut in front of us while driving us to school. I am thankful how all these permeated my consciousness, and consequently helps me look at the world. In what way? I'm not really sure. But I just get this tingly and hopeful feeling that there is more to be seen and studied within the country, people, places and events and how by learning and relearning and unlearning, somehow everything will make sense.

I sometimes think of how my uncouth nature will affect my future. I think others would even deem me philistine, haha. It's not that I dislike the cultured things in life, it's just that I do not see the point in fixating oneself with things that are of no conscientious value given the society that faces us. I also enjoy spending huge amounts of money on good finds, travelling, etc. As I was telling my mother days ago, my seemingly "burn-the-konyo" attitude may have stemmed from the fact that our family has engaged in the normal system- going to malls during the weekends, etc, and summer would be spent in Negros. I have been to a public school, but due to unfortunate circumstances, transferred to a private school. In the arrogant sense, allow me to say that I have/ have had a taste of both worlds, although not in the extreme sense (I am no Zobel, nor have I experienced what is it to be devoid of basic needs), but I have seen snippets of these and it would be hypocritical of me to be a spectator for all of eternity. Sometimes I hate being so middle. So when I get the chance, I make the effort to go the other way. But it isn't new to me that before affecting any seemingly messianic change, penetration is crucial. So yes, bathe me in this elitist education for now. I am not forcefully being left, or forcefully fighting off the world's dominant part of spectrum, forgive me and allow me to do so, I am just acting according to my gut feeling. I am not black or white, but I pray I do not stick to the gray area for all of my life.

My god, your god, and our god, I just read a post in a blog (I do not usually read other people's blogs), and it's funny how a day in my life seemed as if I were imitating someone else by what I did in that exact moment. How hilarious and disturbing at the same time :D

sweetness

I wasted my weekend in the outdoor sense :( We were not able to climb Mt. Pulag because of police operations in the mountain's municipality. But I am still pretty content with our visit to Oh My Gulay; it was a nice bonding experience with friends. (Although my top blows over when I hear certain shrills in the air. hehe)

I took a picture of my other's foot and mine-my depressions fit into his protrusions and vice versa. I took the picture in my place of serenity, and although this next comment will risk a hex, I'd like to think I finally made a worthwhile decision. My risk-"inaverse" self finally made sense. The externalities that were produced because of decisions don't matter to me anymore; it seemed like such a big thing for me then. But I am deciding right now that the could-bes are something that I would like to look forward to instead of the weres. Although I hoped in all sincerity that certain relationships would reach a certain mutual placidity, it could be attained, but there is no use in sugarcoating everything. People get hurt, but the world will dance whether or not persons tango with it. And that goes the same for me. The world will be breaking free from our conversations if it feels that I am analyzing it too much. I guess this will be a pioneering effort on my part for my journey to true selfishness this sembreak.

Although I just wish some people would let others heal instead of exacerbating emotions that are already dissipating. Karma, I believe, will take its toll someday.

Going back to the ambient experience in Oh My Gulay, forgive me for the fixation or the drama, but times wherein I feel happily-sad, or happily-dreamy with people who get it really sticks to my memory. I feel like I know myself when I am in that place :) It brings me back to environment I want to surround myself in-places that dare interchange expectations to possibilities, where musts are in the same ground as the loftier things in life. My friend and I were talking about how some of the people we know are seen differently because they choose to live in the extreme, deviant sense. I find it ironic because it is these people that have embraced choice; they are unresponsive to certain stimuli in life in conviction of their own beliefs.

Alon-alone-a lone

May mga tao talaga na nais mong hugutan ng pagtungo ng ulo, ng labis na paguunawa. Magigising ka bawat araw at gagawa at gagalaw at sasayaw sa huni ng mundo para bago matulog ay maiisip mo ang mga mukha nga mga taong ito na naguumapaw ng pagtiwala sa iyong kakayahan. Sa totoo lang, hindi ka na gumagagalaw sa sariling mong huni, hindi na ito sayaw kundi isang pag-uyam ng kundisyon na ikaw, na ikaw ay muling nag-papaagaos sa putol-putol at sirang plaka ng iba. Pag binungkal mo ang nais hindi mo alam kung iyon pa rin ang dati o dapat itapon na sa iba pang mga nabubulok na pangarap.

May nagsabi dati sa Collegian, "...we're getting too old for angst." Onga, Putangina burahin niyo na tong dark cloud sa utak ko.

Twenty days whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Malapit na sumabog ulo ko

I know what rhetoric means.

Franny and Zoey

It's funny how when I lie down on my bed and start flying, I realize how I am darting my way everyday on certain people. I think I have become a nagger. I hate the feeling that I of trying to prove myself every goddam minute.

I miss the trees, the special, passive, sanguine feeling I have when I am really into something, the feeling that the world is actually cheering you on. The surfeit of pressure I put on my head renders an amalgam of emotions that I would like to break loose from. I have been feeling languid these past days, I have injected myself with an array of titillations, and to no avail, have subjected myself to falling back into the bottomless pit. The proclivities I would allow myself to be subjected to, they all seem futile as I am, unmoving. My remonstrative nature sucks the life of persons who dare listen.

But I am still doing it now.

Until the world slaps me with an admonishing hand.

Bathe me in something sublime. I need it.

My circular reasoning and infantile murmurings.

Grab me by the foot.

17 days

Yes, that's right. 17 days of pure torture, of pure brain battle, of pure doubt, of pure bi-polar-goodness. My friend says that a person quits a habit after thirty mother fucking days. And I ask myself, "What is the meaning of all this?" And then I think of how my alveoli are procreating, having orgies, drinking like mad, rejoicing that they are alive. Good for the bastards, bad for my neurons, who are masochists by nature, like tarsiers, they want to commit suicide. Unlike tarsiers, they do not want to kill themselves out of loneliness, my goodness,what a lot! But the fact remains that these neurons just cannot take the world, and they would rather get burned than face suffering. So they connive with one another to influence the centrality-of-it-all, and they come up with a scheming tactic to inject themselves with nicotine, highly orgasmic at first, but deadly in just seconds. Those scheming bastards. But of course, not today, not just yet.


17 days, going on 18.

i feel like hank chinaski

I have to review our disaster management paper, but I choose to relax first. I'm listening to 311's stealing happy hours. I just can't wait for this semester to be over, I really want to go to the beach. I don't want to over-dream though. I dislike the thought of having so many plans but not really pushing through with it. I just hope my friends will have the same thirst to go to the beach as I.

I will be pretty lonesome this sembreak, but hopefully people I know will come up with climbs or trips or whatever.

I have this bleak feeling that I am turning gray. That I am being overturned. That I am becoming uninteresting. That I am becoming middle. That I am becoming like a sick-puppy. That I am losing my identity. Haha what the hell. I shall be painting my insides soon.Publish Post

Let's pause

I can honestly say that I am happy right now. I was able to hang around with my blockmates, and it reminded me of the feeling in high school where I was just laughing my head off, laughing at anything, at the slightest facial movement, stupid joke, weird intonation, weird look, booger-in the-nose, pimple-on-the-wrong-part-of-the-body-type.

I believe there will come a time wherein I will look in the mirror, and say to myself, "Grow up, fucker." I am perpetually looking for something to laugh at, and I think something went wrong when I was about twelve years old; I have not grown up since. Maybe it's because I have not felt what it is to suffer. I've had rough times, and I think it's okay to pat myself on the back and say that I did make decisions that are worth it, but I have not experienced suffering in the raw, unprocessed, in-your-face, pure form. There haven't been any external misfortunes that have really bulldozed me, and I am thankful that I have small bumps in my life are consistently making me resilient. But it's funny how I asked for tremors in my life, and it did give me tremors (a little too much this year and last year). haha :D

I saw this ad in a magazine yesterday of an Asian woman showing her upper body, I think she was Chinese, and a line saying, "Nice dumplings." It was an ad of an Asian bar in New York or something. Double whammy for women and Asians! I am more or less used to the fact that sex sells, and women are the first-liners in ads, but the fact that it was alluding to my part of the world was just foul. PLUS IT WAS IN AN INTERNATIONAL MAGAZINE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Just when you thought the Chinese were getting their BIG break.

Anyway.

I used to gripe about gossip. But just a few days ago I realized that if you listen to it pretending that you don't have anything between your ears, it can actually contribute to your awareness.
*Information storage temporarily hanging in the space between*

I painted my wall

I painted my wall about a week ago, and my mom nonchalantly commented ,"Ganda ah." And I think she noticed how I painted my wall in times that I was feeling a little bit down.

I miss people who I usually hang out with. I think this is the time of the year that I am being sucked into a dark hole. This is the exact time; I remember last year, and it reminds me of all things I put myself into. Hopefully the sembreak brings me into a better disposition. Well, I hope I put myself into a better disposition. I remember last sembreak; it did bring me into a better state. happy happy times :D

I miss stealing happy hours. tooroon, tooroon, toorontoon!

Wala lang. After finals isip

Kanina tinanong ko ang sarili ko kung itong tinatahak kong landas ay nakapabuhay sa akin. Masasabi na oo, buhay nga ako, mas hindi sabog. Pero iniisip ko rin na kung nabuhay ako na parang walang bukas, baka may pinatunguhan din. Kasi yung mga taong nagpapakasaya, parang ok naman sila. Paminsan naiisip ko na baka kung may gusto talaga ang mundo para sa iyo, hahanapin ka talaga nung tandhana mong iyon. Hindi ko alam kung tama lang itong pag-iisip na sinusubukan kong mag-ayos, paminsan parang wala namang dinadatnan. Hay nako biglang nag-pop ang Walang Kadaladala sa aking isipan. Jusmeh, parang henerasyon ko at ako nakalutang. Gusto ko na magising sa panaginip na ito.

wheefee doo

nagbasa ako ng de dios kanina at nakakatawa ang kanyang conclusion. something to the effect of saying that the Philippines is both lucky and unlucky that it survived the asian financial crisis but is in deep shit kasi the same institutions that saved its ass are the same institutions that go la-la-la now. and the very potential for the Philippines is also hindered by centralization. pano kayo yun noh? the chicken and egg problem. medyo saturated na ulo ko kaya blog blog muna. la-la-la muna.

KAYA HINDI UMAASENSO PILIPINAS EH! hahaha tsk.

Titillation, Lazy daisy and then some

"Once you decide to titillate instead of illuminate . . . you create a climate of expectation that requires a higher and higher level of intensity" Bill Moyers.

Wow, this sort of stabs me right in the heart.

Anyhoe.

My prof told us how 1. we should learn fast, ride the wave of technology, and 2. establish connections.

I have been particularly out of "society" these past months. I'd want this sembreak to be spent on knowing more people. Maybe use those chemicals. haha Gain more connections and build more networks. Maybe it's not such a bad idea to have a lot of acquaintances. I can't wait to be emancipated from this semester.

I quit smoking last wednesday, and it's a weird experience. My lungs pain me, they scream for affirmation. Oo na, buhay na kayo, kaya hindi ko na kayo papatayin pa. But then my head starts to hurt, and this time it screams of treatment. And my womanhood asserts herself, and everything goes haywire. It's good that before I sleep, I can taste victory somewhere around the corner.

The more periods you get, the more it carries on [...] So. Move on. Friends.

Magic spells, uncensored

My friend and I had a nice chat, nice meaning, honest and uncensored. hehe There are girls, I believe, who really have the chemicals needed to attract people, and by people, I mean, men who go ga-ga over girls that have that magic. It's nice to talk to a friend who REALLY GETS IT! I think my other friend called their species "natural flirts", and of course this should not be taken in its derogatory sense. There are some girls who know how to do their thing. hehe

I miss having uncensored chats. :D

I just realized how draining my posts are. Trippy-bubbly time! We had Danton Remoto as our speaker for our DS class just recently. He spoke as if he did not have any breaks in his head. It was such a funny talk; he had all these insinuations and snippets of gossip about politicians and their wives, their relatives, etc. He was just SO gay. He kept using all these wisecracks about government, and taught us a thing or two about gay lingo. He makes being mean seem funny, and with a mean scale from one to ten (one being the lowest) he was somewhat a 9.3333333. IT was HILARIOUS.

laya,malay,kamalayan

nakakatawa na ako mismo ay pinayagan ang sarili na makulong sa mga nais ng mundo sa mga dapat sa mga nararapat sa mga tinaguriang tama, na sa aking kamalayan naman ay alam ko ang totoo at pinagdasal ko pa na manatili sa katotohoanan at ngayon ang realidad na sinanay sa sarili ay mismong nawawala; ang higpit ng hawak dati ay nawala. ano na ba ang nangyari sa akin na pinabayaan ko mangyari ang ganito. na ang mismong kaluluwa ay pinabayaang magpadaloy sa mga bagay bagay na sa totoo lang naman, ay hindi nakaugat sa aking kinamulatan. ang kinalakhan ay patunay kung sino ako at ako ay inaalon. inaalon sa mga bagay na di dapat alunin. nakakatawa, nakalulungkot na sa katandaang ito ay muli, parang dati ay nawala nanaman ako. tawag ng daloy ng dugo? baka nga, pero sa ngayon ang lahat ng nakapaligid sa akin ay nagsusumigaw na, "Hoy, parang kailan lang ay kilala mo ang sarili mo!" at hindi ka pwede magkunwari na hindi mo sila naririnig; kung gawin mo ito ay talaga kang mapagkakamalan na hipokrito, putang hipokrito ito. may bakas na nga ng pagkahipokrito ang iyong pagkatao; nagpadala ka, oo. pero kapag hindi mo sial pakinggan, siguraduhin mo na ang kunsyensiya mo mismo ang papatay sa kaluluwa mo. panigurado yan edralin.

The center of the universe

This semester is about to end, and it just seems like so many things have happened and I do not know where to start or stop remembering and analyzing. I can't help but feel that I have such a microorganism these past months. I've been heavily drawn to certain issues, ideas; I always put them in MY context which is particularly vain. What's funny is that even if I put those things in MY context, I do not necessarily contribute to my well-being because I have become slave to the things going on around me that I do not necessarily listen to myself.

This weekend's bathing in my own sublime

This weekend has been physically draining, as my whole sem has been physically draining. There are times I would rather drown in the comfort of my own bed. This weekend, however, I decide not to stress out myself. So I am currently chatting away, entertaining impulses that cater to my bank. I think I withdrew a huge amount this past sem, and also last sem, both emotionally and physically. I think this is the time I can say that I am really tired. Sembreak's a step away, and I'm planning to really rest and save up for my bank again.

vomit some thoughts

I just realized that for the past years, I have only opened up my being to less than five people, people who have experienced the monster and the fairly-okay-girl within. Other relationships I classify as pseudo-relationships; connections that do matter but just do not stick to your soul. It is also then that I realize that there are some people who you are really comfortable with that being stupid doesn't seem the least bit embarrassing. Sometimes I think whether these friends still, in some way, find me interesting as they have seen me stripped naked, haha, and it amazes me how even in the busiest days, when we stop and truly converse, there is still that connection. I guess it was really meant to be that way.

What's true and saddening at the same time is how we really travel in this life alone. Even the person who seems to know you best does not seem to penetrate your neurotic being, unless you willingly share it to him/her. And it's funny how that neurotic being wants to be touched and acknowledged to the point of insecurity, but it will never be passively connected with the neurotic being of your other. Not absolutely, I think, but the possibility of having a sublime connection with a person makes you want to wake up and get to know him/her more. I think capitalists make money not just from the concept of love, but the possibility of nearing that passively-connected relationship.

And I think the reason why people break it off is how one thirsts for that sublime character in a relationship. Maybe when people realize that it will never be absolute; never be sublime, but only sublime-like, people will be more content living with their other. Maybe that feeling we are all looking for, that feeling we aim to relive in dreams, in art, in things that render us soulful, is only realized during those times. Which points me back to how we live in this life alone, and we travel alone, and we bathe in our own sublime.

Selfish time sembreak uhhh

I'm sick of worrying about things. I don't exactly remember the last time I was not anxious about something, and for some strange reason I don't recall having a summer break. We went to Negros, but I think it was still particularly stressing for me because the day right after it ended was the day I took my immersion. Not that I have anything against my immersion, but I miss hanging out, reading, watching, listening to absolutely anything. And I think I would like to hang out at the beach more often. I miss my old, wasted self. ha ha ha. I just miss not having to repress urges for the sake of having more time to worry about more things. It's hard to explain, really. But as the cliche goes, time for soul searching! Yeahah.

I am a late bloomer

My last post in a blog that I don't even remember the password was during my first year in ADMU; our English teacher made us blog so we could critique and comment on each other's post. Somewhat it seemed that she wanted to simulate a workshop type of activity, without the excitement of having to see people scrunched up in their seats. I remember being in a workshop for our creative writing class in UP; I had just come from Katipunan. I remember that at around nine in the morning I was already drinking, and for some strange reason, I decided to still go to class. SO I was seated within the circle, unfazed because I had alcohol in my blood. I didn't really care if they commented on my work, I was drunk anyway;passivity had set in. What I wasn't expecting was to be called on to comment on one of my classmate's work. Hahahaha! I don't even remember having read the text, and I just mumbled a stupid comment that really did not have sense AT ALL. Luckily, my teacher decided to prey on another classmate of mine. Going back to blogging, there, I am now riding the wave of technology. Well, I enjoyed it the first time, and it did have some good effects. Paper affirmation made fresh with the blogging technology. And it is, literally affirmation, having people see it. hardehar.