That I was

I went over old photos kept in my shoe box a while ago, and it washed me over with emotions and memories of how it was like growing up in a family of endless fights and flights for liberties, how in a certain way my family has indoctrinated me with ideals, how my aunt was imprisoned for speaking out against an authoritarian ruler, how my dad spent his early days as a practicing physician doing community work in far flung areas, drinking and exchanging opinions with locals, how in my uncle's house blossomed with antiquities and books that loomed of impressionistic and dangerous ideas and other forms of literature, how my mother would comment on the country's situation using all sorts of economic jargon while ranting about the jeep that just cut in front of us while driving us to school. I am thankful how all these permeated my consciousness, and consequently helps me look at the world. In what way? I'm not really sure. But I just get this tingly and hopeful feeling that there is more to be seen and studied within the country, people, places and events and how by learning and relearning and unlearning, somehow everything will make sense.

I sometimes think of how my uncouth nature will affect my future. I think others would even deem me philistine, haha. It's not that I dislike the cultured things in life, it's just that I do not see the point in fixating oneself with things that are of no conscientious value given the society that faces us. I also enjoy spending huge amounts of money on good finds, travelling, etc. As I was telling my mother days ago, my seemingly "burn-the-konyo" attitude may have stemmed from the fact that our family has engaged in the normal system- going to malls during the weekends, etc, and summer would be spent in Negros. I have been to a public school, but due to unfortunate circumstances, transferred to a private school. In the arrogant sense, allow me to say that I have/ have had a taste of both worlds, although not in the extreme sense (I am no Zobel, nor have I experienced what is it to be devoid of basic needs), but I have seen snippets of these and it would be hypocritical of me to be a spectator for all of eternity. Sometimes I hate being so middle. So when I get the chance, I make the effort to go the other way. But it isn't new to me that before affecting any seemingly messianic change, penetration is crucial. So yes, bathe me in this elitist education for now. I am not forcefully being left, or forcefully fighting off the world's dominant part of spectrum, forgive me and allow me to do so, I am just acting according to my gut feeling. I am not black or white, but I pray I do not stick to the gray area for all of my life.

My god, your god, and our god, I just read a post in a blog (I do not usually read other people's blogs), and it's funny how a day in my life seemed as if I were imitating someone else by what I did in that exact moment. How hilarious and disturbing at the same time :D