Rally dito, rally dun

Kasama ko kanina nanay ko nagrally sa paseo. Tapos andun yung mga tito ko na kinalakihan ko na rin. Yung asawa ng tito ko, bata-bata pa, mga 28. Kami yung magkausap kasi kami yung medyo magka-vibe. Kumabaga, pareho kaming galit sa konyo. Haha. :D Laftrip siya, tinatawag niyang garrison yung St. Scho kasi nagbabalatkayong tibak, eh pag dating naman sa pagturo sa mga bata konserbatibo pa rin. Kaya umalis siya. Para siyang yung pinoy version ni Julia Roberts sa isang sine na sinusubukang palawakin isip nung mga tinuturuan niyo, pero nakalaban yung administrasyon ng skwelahan. Kahit paminsan mukhang uber tibak niya, nakakatuwa kasi meron pa ring taong marunong umalma. Kwento ng nanay ko na nakita niya si Teddy Casino kanina. PUTEKKKK!!! Kung andun ako at nakita ko siya, magpapapicture ako sa tabi niya pramis! Tapos, may bigla nalang tumapik sa akin yun pala si Rissa Jopson. Nakakatuwa! :D

Pag ang inaasahan mo ay 7up, malamig, manamis-namis at nakakikilig na inumin ay hindi pala seven up kung hindi tubig, oo, nakakapawi ng uhaw, pero masakit sa panlasa at parang may kulang pa rin. Sino ba ang nagkasala? Ang pangnanais mo ng makatikim ng manamis-namis na likido o ang pagkabigo sa iyo ng IL YA na nasa basong yaon?

May I please rant.

There is something that I cannot put into words, something that has been rotting in my brain for a long time. I have been feeling nauseous for the past years, and it comes with the feeling that I am doing something terribly wrong. I cannot ride the happy train, something must change! I need to overhaul myself, I cannot keep on pretending that everything is going smoothly because frankly, I cannot ride my own fucking train because of the people in it, plus I cannot even hold on to the fucking rail myself. The need to overhaul myself screams and slams and imposes its brooding presence on me. The need to smile sends small implosions up in my brain, and it is making my head hurt. And what's worse is that I cannot even explain it to people "close" to me.

People can be assholes sometimes, more often than not.

Find that line

Amusing but boring. Do I rouse anything but suspicion? If you always get up late, you'll never be on time. There's always an excuse when you need one, so get up earlier. What a public opinion floating up in the air. Pulled back when needed, but never pulled back inwards. Write down those thoughts motherfucker. Orgasmic. Substitution at its finest. Need to explode in that month, reverberate.

Calling the shots II

uppercut their chins, poke their question-marked eyes,
scratch their pockmarked faces quizzically looking at
trouble, or of another name, tagged, blundered, passively-boxed,
something rendered
escaped from their loose minds, these barely audible quips.
these floating cages naturally deceptive at first, taken for protean salutes.
but really is more of the procrustean type in their subconscious minds.
those innocent gazes, that which has been unmasked by its..........
millisecond stay
, revealing its dubious undertaking.

Absolutely. Pissed.

My ovulation (I would like to think) dictates my mood. Despite of the fairly okay things that has been happening, I feel the need to mess things up. I am currently hating the circumstances I'm finding myself in. Sometimes, I feel that determinism is futile. I think that it has something to do with the fact that I absolutely feel the need to make decisions based on opposite sides of the spectrum. I just cannot take any form of dualism at all. I guess this is where the war I keep waging in my head, (mostly with myself) comes from. In high school, someone once commented that I had a gray area. I don't know how she concluded that. Neither do I know if that has something to do with my present mind-set. It is the fucking human condition, and it is my fucking obsession. What's ironic is, however I try to put myself in one extreme, I find myself magnetized, and seemingly middle again. And after a few moments of contemplation, I realize that I am the greatest bigot of all. It is logical to produce boxes when you aim for the extreme. But I just cannot take the duality. It is driving me fucking nuts.

Fucking shit. This is really pissing me off.

Moolah

It some kind of plagues me that I have to transcribe some shiznit for research methods right now, but I choose to type and net the night away first. Haha. Everything's turning out okay, I guess, only for the fact that I have to find a way to raise funds for my practicum which I find really, really interesting. That's 12,500 pesos to be exact, and I am eye-ing my drumset, slowly saying non-verbal good-byes to it. I'll be selling my broken dreams for twelve thousand. Huhuhuhuhu wipe-out my savings account damnshit. I'm starving myself and making meals to eat in school, but somehow, I cannot mobilize enough funds for my whims. I have to pay for my workshop, bongga ilongga, the practicum. Lord help me manage my finances. (What finances?!)

Funny happy day

Haha, I christen thee.... TAMBAY DAY :)

After a semi-serious meeting with my microfinance groupmates, we went to the Kostka Extension to put up the Carera Loyola booth. I honestly had fun shouting my lungs out and going crazy with LM, DS people, and random schoolmates I saw. Saw Sir Leland, said HI!
I had a terrific philo class; it was one of those classes that had me alert the whole time. We were talking about E. Levinas, and I enjoyed learning about his life, and it gave me a tingle when our teacher explained how he was talking about the experience of literature verbalizing trauma. Whooo I want to go to Russia. Anyway, after class, I went to Cantina and hooray, what a blast from the past, I thought I was going to see Julianne only, and there, along with her, was Paolo and Francis. Mia came shortly, and Jolene and Albert followed after a while. I enjoyed being with friends from WAAAAAAAAAYY back; it gave me several perspectives from the outside world, namely, up, csb, la salle and down under, australia. I met with Mansy and Dana afterwards, and we had a good tambay, u.b. time while the mass for lozada was going on. I was a little tipsy, but it was fun hanging around Bell field. We joined Carmela and Raf afterwards, and went out to Katipunan for a little noise barrage. I saw my blockmates, Eller, and after the short "rally", went back to the Gesu to listen to Lozada. After that, I had a nice time talking to Mansy about the synthesis of college, and how LM and a handful of loyal friends made college worthwhile.

Time spent u.b.-ing is time well spent.

2 am can't sleep

Had a colorful day today; went to Marytown in Katipunan, went to UP, went to Powerplant with my family. Had two cups of coffee consecutively. I realized how families are unpredictable, but are the only ones you really have in this lifetime. Really have-pertaining to people who will always be there for you no matter how much you fuck up. Family is all you have to kick someone's ass, to cry with, to celebrate past and future glories.

Life really smacks hard certain realities- how life is such a short time to think about too seriously. I guess I want to have to think about things when I'm old and gray. Note to self: better stop thinking about life too much, better create memories for me to look back on.

I'll be going to Pagudpod this coming weekend, and it is one of those exciting things that keep you awake at these times. I haven't really been anywhere this second semester. But I need to go to Intramuros before the week ends, and submit an article to our military leader in history.

It's funny when somebody dies, everything is illuminated, but there are just some things that are spotlighted, and you can't help but feel that you want to let go of some things that are mere nightlights. But admittedly, these nighlights are also the things that keep you smiling, or at least give you a little bit of strength. Here I am, ready to pry the world open, but must also keep in mind the things that are expected of me. I guess what's becoming evident to me is how being loosey-goosey does not erase the fact that I am responsible for certain people. Outrightly, it is not expected of me, but somehow, with events unraveling, I am made to realize this.

Somehow I cannot grip something I have been longing for.

nemesis, WHY ARE YOU SO LYK DAT!?

bakit bakit panginoong diyos!!!! takpan mo ang mga bagay na di dapat nakikita, ang bagay na madaming nagkakasala! ang mga bagay na putangina, mahiya naman ang iyong pagkababae! hahahahahaahahha a:)) Laftrip! Sarap tumawa at magpakababaw :p akala ko, akala ko, prinsesa ka! hindi lang pala prinsesa! madamin pang iba! kidlat!!! tila tinatawag kita! pero hindi ko matanto kung bakit ka nagkaganyan, nemesis! i am here! bwahahahahaha buti nalang at hindi nagkikita mga landas natin at malayo ang iyong pinanggagalingan, sa probinsya ng mga konya!

priority check

People whose grudges destroy family ties annoy me right now, and taking up a professional masters seems like the only way to go.

1. Kick their airhead asses
2. Prove something to myself

I had that drive when I was in high school, in the exact same order, and I think I will be prioritizing myself first this time. Pachuca! I will find myself in the beach one day, still whole and unconsumed by the system.

I want to go to the beach

Midnight on a beach in the Mediterranean
And I miss you
Even here, taking it all in
The sand, silvered, carries the moon on its shoulders
Is it possible to put this night to tune, and move it to you?

Don't cry, I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move
Don't cry, i'll bring this home to you

Cargo ships move by, tracing on the horizon line
There's a luster from the city lights on the waves that kiss our feet
And we're thinkin' of goin' in (thinkin' of goin' in),
The time's getting thin

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move
Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this, if I can make this...

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move
Don't cry I'll bring this home to you

This is a city for not sleeping; The clocks are set by feel
At this moment, from where I sit, none of it seems real

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move

Don't cry I'll bring this home to you,
If I can make this night light enough to move

If I can make this, if I can make this move
If I can make this move

MINUS THE BEAR

Independence is key

WOMYN

she did not need him
and they wound up like
glue

OPEN SCISSORS, PAPER, STONE

Kumbaga, ikaw pa mananakit
Magpapakatanga
O magpapakabato nalang,

Di kaya...

Puta
Walang Alam
Hipokrito?

Bare hands

Sa pagsakay ng behikulong nakakabagot,
Nakakainis, "...kaliwa, kanan, kaliwang-kaliwa, kuya."
Wala namang patutunguhan
Eh kung reypin kaya ang gift wrapper na
Aking ginawang balot sa aking budhi

Sulyap, ubos na ubos na, malapit na sa upos
Abo, ubo, tingin sa ibang direksyon
Lunod sa ibang matitingnan, maamoy, basta!
Magagawa
Mapagdidiskitahan ng layo, ng kanyang pagtatanto

Ngiti, biro, biro pa ng konti,
Sige, tagay mo pa yang pwedeng magpamanhid sayo
Tagay mo pa, sana isama mo naman ako sa iyong pagtagay
Sa pag-angat mo sa ulap, sa iyong pag-aalma
Sa buhay na dinadanas, o kaya naman pinipiglasan

Pag-uwi ng bahay kalembangin ang mga pwedeng kalampagin
Buhusin ang pagiging likido mo sa ibang bagay
Kung hindi man sumagot
Hindi man sumulyap
Nabuhos naman ang kaluluwa

PACHUCA SUNRISE HELP MY MIND

I AM FEELING EMOTIONAL NOW BUT BECAUSE I HAVE EMANCIPATED MYSELF FROM THE MOTHER FUCKING SELFISH PILL, I feel sad, but not drowning. I just need to mother fucking let this out! WHERE IS THE RECIPROCITY IN THIS MOTHER FUCKING WORLD!??????????????????????!!!!!!!!!! MONEY FOR HAPPINESS, MONEY FOR TAXIS, ONLY GLIMPSES GLIMPSES I NEED MOTHER FUCKING MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is the spontaneity, where is the desire, where is the sunrise, sunset, the fall?! I DON'T WANT TO FALL IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEAL ME PACHUCA, I AM INCHING AWAY, IN inches, in inches, but inches that amount to much much more! FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOURSELF GADDAMITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, EMPTINESS SYNDROME, lord minus the bear, but i need the fucking bear i need the fucking glimpse, but i need more than a fucking glimpse i need to enter the fucking dilated pupils!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKING IT ALL IN, TRYING TO DIGEST ALL OF IT BUT I KEEP ON VOMITING! WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE what about my motherfucking self-importance?! LET'S MOTHERFUCKING PUT OUR MONEY WHERE OUR MOUTHS ARE AT! I HAVE BARE HANDS, HANDFULS OF NOTHING! I aM DEVOID OF IT, GIVE ME SOME! I need SOME MOTHER FUCKING RECIPROCITY, WHAT THE FUCK IS haPPENING TO THE WORLD!??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
*^*&*^&*%^%^*%^*%^%^*&^%^$%$%&!!!!!! I have nothing anymore.

Emancipatory baby-making blooms

I must be in love with myself, says he? Who? Replies, "...with the Mandaluyong 311-loving personnel that is too friggin hard to find." Stars, stars everywhere, should've air-drummed my way in the jeep, should've kept my hold on my sister's coleman tight. Should've been brave enough to wear my sleeping boxers to school, oh honestly, is wasn't out of bad fashion but out of the Quill, my god, dreaming of oberdabakod love themes hasn't gone out of fashion, but has reached the maximum. Why does a deranged cousin and a wife separate the stars for heaven's sake. Should've stuck to the naked man and unintentionally bumped my way to the air-drumming jeep!

Spectacles of a boy-builder, why hasn't the earth swallowed you whole?

Calling the shots

Sakay ka lang, pero huwag ka magpapawala. All you need

to do is ...

pull the string to make para.

Skilty, time-out muna

Hayayayay. Who would think that taking research methods would be so brain-wrecking. I'm not that sleepy because I slept all morning, but can't stay up too late because I have to study for microfinance and go to school for project management. GAHD. I think I am thinking more clearly now, can't afford to lose my wits with everything that needs to be done. No insights, just keeping up with my robo-cop mode.

WHAT.

It just hit me that some of the most dreadful lines are those that have already been said, and when it rears its ugly head, you want to prick it like a blackhead. When connections are those that seem like yesterday, without you consistently trying to compare, only to find yourself in a vaguely familiar place, you just want to run out in the field and start screaming. Sometimes I wish I had more of a head start.

Sometimes, I wish everyone just had the same start. And I'm feeling that it's the only way to go. Who the hell are we kidding?

And admittedly, the juvenile in me would like to hold on like swat paper, but the surprisingly existent logical in me would just like to let go and run about in the same field. I don't know who's blinder, me or the world. Insights have been realized, and it hit me smack on my huge forehead when I realized that I am turning out to be like the underdog person. OH MY GOD. I used to think I had more leverage.

So this is the problem, my lack of maturity, and my seemingly declining interesting nature. Nakakawala talaga ng amor.