I'm fucking bleeding and I want to go home, my stomach feels weird and I am spurting out woman fluid.

Ironic how I can't seem to do what I want physically but how nature deems that this is the way women should live their lives, with normal cycles. Maybe we weren't intended to skip and hop, but to just sit and wait.

Finished everything that is to be done today. Except oversleep. I want my bed.

Time to wake up bad naive little girl

In fairness, my mom answered with a yes on every question. She's just glad that I did not mess up. What's comforting is, I am going to hurt less everyday. I just wish that time would just pass by quickly so I can say that this has become a habit and that everyone will just resume their lives.

Not much to look forward to, well, as of today. Maybe I should follow ate's advice and try to gain some happiness in places I haven't tapped yet. Like shopping! haha. I guess I should also try to payback some time with the family.

It feels weird, but at least it's something new. I guess I wasn't meant for that status because I have short memory spans and have difficulty in keeping focus.

I just wish I could pick myself up sooner and have someone kick me in the ass to remid me that all is not lost.

I feel so defeated by circumstance and by expectations. But I'm glad I went through it. Makes me want to look for happiness within the confines of my own walls. Then surrender to the norms several years later (if and when I decide that it's worth my effort to actually socialize, then again, they say it comes when you least expect it).

What's funny is how I felt that it was something that could go on forever. I'm happy that some princess dreams do come true. I just wish I could fucking shoot my head to make all the glitter in my head scatter. Maybe this is how life goes, you need to wake up and stop dreaming for a while to start realizing that there are really no perfect jobs, parents, friends.

When I have a kid, if that being starts liking the social sciences, I will forbid it to take development studies. The discipline has got to be the most ideal of them all. Or maybe propose to Leland to create a subject called, THE EVILS OF DEVELOPMENT PRACTICE, just to ground students.

Jonas texted asking where I was planning to spend my holy week. I guess he's looking for distractions as well. Maybe he'll also be in Dumaguete for unigames.

whole

i feel dead in the peep whole. dead but not guilty. dead but unapologetic. dead but unwavering.

there is that which sounds like me, of more logical roots, of less womyn whines. ...youhavethatpostmodern yearnings with...

i suddenly feel that i cannot compete. and i do not care, and i wake up, it is 145 and i do not blink.

i have grown to love more of no one in particular over the year, and unwanting. less needy, i

have not felt that i was a gift torn by a clueless child on christmas eve since---

and i feel at ease, at peace, nothing specific to be exact i have shut down my whole, i

feel nothing at all

oh the feeling of butterflies in your stomach for a year

I feel better tonight, after sharing coffee with those who inspire me. This is nerve-wrecking, but as kaleidoscope-like as wanting to go to UP, only I believe that I am more equipped.

I want this so much, I dream of it in my sleep. :( :) :( :)

OH GOD. THIS IS IT. suddenly money matters are but tiny moles.

Non-compliance

There is more than enough sparkle to make me understand that everyday dealings are just but a glimpse of what's to come. I am impatient with the chatter, with the musings. Meaning and I-we are still at a standstill; the kind which new lovers engage in, holding on to what makes the force novel, how there are really two newly-engaged separate parts. It's ironic, really. Days pass by with flowers on the other side of the bridge. Crossing seems like a blurred memory, a dizzying intake of nostalgia. Rousing, but it leaves no taste once you hit the ground.

Ten years ago, I imagined a character of monotony. Horizons have grown, and a burst of advocacy struggle to be removed, away from one's bosom. Not really sure if this is what it means to be sewn into the fabric of time, I am entangled but manage to float at the same time.

Like the one I fondly call home, we have been anchored on to the familiarity of smells, textures, weights. Being apart only manages to remove such embezzlement. Home is still he. And I am still me. But we have been said to be on the same blanket, albeit snagged in understanding, the kind which only final unity can bring.

I lay on the bed and wake in my sleep, or is it the other way around?

Good days

I visited ISO a while ago, and missed visiting Dr. Lim because I headed out of the office a bit late. I arranged for a date with her, and am excited by the thought of having her share insights on her educational experience abroad. Plus, it really feels good to have someone genuinely interested, or at the least bit showing that they can help in your career path.

I exercised a fair amount of self-restraint today, and the day turned out pretty productive.

yay!

Confidence is earned.

Just today, out of rage, my mom blurted out how she thought I was out of control, and how basically my father has given up on me. Sometimes I think of why my mom thinks I am such a failure. I can sense that they are not really proud of what I have become, and I can't really say that I blame them. It's difficult to make people understand what road I am paving for myself. And quite frankly, I think we are all tired and out of patience to actually care or try to understand.

Today, I promise myself that I will get a PhD even if it kills me.

Yesterday, we started talking about marriage and the like. I find it difficult to place where my parents will be when I enter that stage of my life. They will probably not care anymore. They will probably just nod at the thought.