This weekend's bathing in my own sublime

This weekend has been physically draining, as my whole sem has been physically draining. There are times I would rather drown in the comfort of my own bed. This weekend, however, I decide not to stress out myself. So I am currently chatting away, entertaining impulses that cater to my bank. I think I withdrew a huge amount this past sem, and also last sem, both emotionally and physically. I think this is the time I can say that I am really tired. Sembreak's a step away, and I'm planning to really rest and save up for my bank again.

vomit some thoughts

I just realized that for the past years, I have only opened up my being to less than five people, people who have experienced the monster and the fairly-okay-girl within. Other relationships I classify as pseudo-relationships; connections that do matter but just do not stick to your soul. It is also then that I realize that there are some people who you are really comfortable with that being stupid doesn't seem the least bit embarrassing. Sometimes I think whether these friends still, in some way, find me interesting as they have seen me stripped naked, haha, and it amazes me how even in the busiest days, when we stop and truly converse, there is still that connection. I guess it was really meant to be that way.

What's true and saddening at the same time is how we really travel in this life alone. Even the person who seems to know you best does not seem to penetrate your neurotic being, unless you willingly share it to him/her. And it's funny how that neurotic being wants to be touched and acknowledged to the point of insecurity, but it will never be passively connected with the neurotic being of your other. Not absolutely, I think, but the possibility of having a sublime connection with a person makes you want to wake up and get to know him/her more. I think capitalists make money not just from the concept of love, but the possibility of nearing that passively-connected relationship.

And I think the reason why people break it off is how one thirsts for that sublime character in a relationship. Maybe when people realize that it will never be absolute; never be sublime, but only sublime-like, people will be more content living with their other. Maybe that feeling we are all looking for, that feeling we aim to relive in dreams, in art, in things that render us soulful, is only realized during those times. Which points me back to how we live in this life alone, and we travel alone, and we bathe in our own sublime.

Selfish time sembreak uhhh

I'm sick of worrying about things. I don't exactly remember the last time I was not anxious about something, and for some strange reason I don't recall having a summer break. We went to Negros, but I think it was still particularly stressing for me because the day right after it ended was the day I took my immersion. Not that I have anything against my immersion, but I miss hanging out, reading, watching, listening to absolutely anything. And I think I would like to hang out at the beach more often. I miss my old, wasted self. ha ha ha. I just miss not having to repress urges for the sake of having more time to worry about more things. It's hard to explain, really. But as the cliche goes, time for soul searching! Yeahah.

I am a late bloomer

My last post in a blog that I don't even remember the password was during my first year in ADMU; our English teacher made us blog so we could critique and comment on each other's post. Somewhat it seemed that she wanted to simulate a workshop type of activity, without the excitement of having to see people scrunched up in their seats. I remember being in a workshop for our creative writing class in UP; I had just come from Katipunan. I remember that at around nine in the morning I was already drinking, and for some strange reason, I decided to still go to class. SO I was seated within the circle, unfazed because I had alcohol in my blood. I didn't really care if they commented on my work, I was drunk anyway;passivity had set in. What I wasn't expecting was to be called on to comment on one of my classmate's work. Hahahaha! I don't even remember having read the text, and I just mumbled a stupid comment that really did not have sense AT ALL. Luckily, my teacher decided to prey on another classmate of mine. Going back to blogging, there, I am now riding the wave of technology. Well, I enjoyed it the first time, and it did have some good effects. Paper affirmation made fresh with the blogging technology. And it is, literally affirmation, having people see it. hardehar.