first day high

Too dazed to start writing again. Today felt new, felt like I really wrote something useful. Before starting on the documents Dr. Magno gave me, might as well just do some loosey-goosey nonsense blab.

I went to work really early, like 7:45. Maybe it was the guilt of not visitng DLSU ever since that strategic planning in Orchid Garden. Took a quick smoke, and felt like the rush of people along Vito Cruz was a productive kind of rush. Went to McDo, students were still pretty chill. Saw a bunch of old people in polo-barongs hanging around. Seemed like they were professors in DLSU.

Went inside at around five minutes to 8. Walked sloooowly. Slowly enough to make me feel that someone was going to arrive before me. I was actually dreading this because it meant hanging around the campus, with possible awkward looks from hipster students.

I spent the whole day in DLSU. It felt nice being around young people. My sister picked me up, and we talked about finally getting a condo in Manila. I hope I get to experience Manila like I was able to experience Katipunan. Maybe I'll discover something nice about myself through the surroundings.

***

Lately, the more I offer things up to any deity in my head, the more liberated I feel, and oddly, the more emotional. I have offered up everything this year. Decisions, career and relationships. Especially the fate of our family, which has been showing signs of fatigue. Everyone is strained, and I have been trying to make them realize that maybe it's about context. Everyone feels like the victim.

I have offered my individuality up to any deity in my head, I mumble several skeleton prayers I learned in my catholic highschool. I repeat it until I am a bit confident that my day will be okay. That I will not encounter people who are out to hurt me. That I will make brave decisions. That I will love myself more before going to bed.

I realize that growing up is all about being plain, translucent, light.

***

I hope tomorrow makes me meet people who see the same gold around, so I don't have to make them see. My boss gave me something today that I treasure. Trust. I hope to keep it.

***