Calm

I decided to write snippets of life here, only to prove to myself that I have that kind of patience to document and organize. Today, I paid my mom two-thirds of what I owed her; half of which was spent to inject some excitement to my boring year-start, and half of which was spent to compensate for my delayed salary.

I bought a big bottle of anti-dandruff shampoo which had free facial tissue, and felt very proud of having done so. Buying things under the category of "need" feels very mature. It beats handing out money when your paying for the bottles of alcohol (when you promised you'd consume only one and held out on food that day for the sake of saving), not knowing if you gave too much and paid for the share of one of your equally drunk friends.

Tonight I'm feeling extremely esteemed. Because even if it was difficult prying myself away from things that would have fallen under the category of "need," I realized that it was the right although extreme thing to do. What can I say, I think in black or white.

Having workmates that are not as economically fortunate throughout the past year makes me realize that I have struggled reconciling my Ateneo identity with the realities of working life. I used to feel very boho because I chose to be with outdoorsy people. After college, I realized that my false sense of being different and rejecting norms were built on quick sand.

Climbing has become a luxury for me. My last climb was during induction, and the pressure of paying for my tuition, reaching my savings goal and basically making it through the day (plus the future responsibility of paying for water/electricity bills when I reach my ideal savings for the first year) has really taken its toll on my view of things.

I easily envied people who did not feel these things. But I guess what gives me a sense of calm is the realization that it also easy to accept that putting pressure on oneself is a choice, and that life is really a race against oneself.