I was asked if I ever tried to be emotionally strong. I paused and thought about the what kind of strength I have consistently been trying to exude these past years. Because I felt like an emotionally strong person, only I can't put a finger as to what kind.

Looking into the worlds I dip myself into, I have been patient with the rants and raves, and have been hiking with my sister's medical journey. I have been ra-ra-ing her into finishing, comforting my parents when they feel that they have not done enough, I have advised my dad to take it easy on my sister. I have put all my small "me-s" aside, knowing that it is not as important as having the eldest become a doctor.

I have tried to level up my relationship with my mom. Woman-to-woman. I tell her how there is something left for her to do. I try to make her listen and tend to her garden of desire. I try to make her ride the guiltless train. I try to tell her, "It's okay. The world forgives you."

I have also tried to be a supportive friend. Only, there are just some circles that I cannot afford. So I do the nest best thing, retain individual friendships. I try to be as loyal as possible. Fierce with friendship, that's me.

And with all the seemingly real or possibly fake "loves", I have tried to inspire. Even if I don't admit that I have enough ember to fuel my own fire, I share. I share my own hopes and dreams hoping to fuel some fire. I try to motivate. I try to fan whatever it is they have going on. But more often than not it turns into limbo. And I feel crazy again, as if I have to greedily grab those coals and return them into my own oven.

And so when I am asked, if I have been emotionally strong, I give a mental "fuck you" in my head. And I pack my bags and mentally go on a hike, a strike, a backpacking trip to the Himalayas of my mind. And I wait for the stirring of actualizing GOING AWAY. I wait until the time is right, until I have less to lose. Until the mental "fuck you-s" have started to exponentially give birth.

Or until I see a delicious piece of distraction.

There is no imposition or coercion, I just like to flagellate myself this way.