juts instead of flowers. nice

Unfamiliar body angles

I was feeling better weeks ago-and it hit me, when I try to make some things better, I feel consumed. I took the passive side weeks ago, and felt like some sort of magnet. I was doing new things, going to new places, getting some attention, and feeling oddly, worth it. "It"-unknown.

Then I take a step back, and I find myself at home, day in, day out, in a rut. As I have been finding myself for as long as I can remember. Said no to Transformers. Maybe I just felt like sleeping. And time passes by quickly when you're sleeping. Which is a good thing. But it makes you fat. So if I sleep earlier, I'll miss out on dinner. Which is a good thing.

I texted Dart last night, and he replied. But I decided to go straight home, and I overslept. Hope he finds time for me tonight. If I don't get the urge to sleep.

I had a weird dream. Lorraine and I were hanging out in our old house. It felt so homey, and we were just cracking jokes, smoking out in the balcony. Makes me wonder why good things end so abruptly, and how the world makes it known to you.

Thank god for high school friends, who more or less know your world-view. Pat just texted. A two hour drinking spree will be delightful. I remember random high school people, usually from this circle, or from my taekwondo group, texting randomly, asking me out for drinks. I would rarely prioritize them, but now it seems like a relief, receiving texts from people who really know you.

Clear skies for the next months

Deciding today that I won't make the effort of going out until I finish this project. Afraid that it's going to jinx everything. Will have to celebrate on my birthday weekend though, just to put emphasis on BEING 25. Accepting how it okay to be by the self again, realizing that this is what you have been looking for, for the past years. Will have to force myself to do the things I normally whine about NOT doing.

Putting my imaginary monsters in a box to mold. For now.

I woke up today bright-eyed.

Give the Dog a Bone

I say give the dog a boner.
Whichever dirty option your dirty mind would like to entertain-
Give it something to chew on.

Nostalgia hides bookmark moments like these that paid a random visit, just today-
It dropped by without any pretense, like someone announcing how your
Dog took a dump on their lawn.
Replayed moments leave a bad taste in your mouth, especially
When it underscores all the things that you hate feeling
About yourself. Like that time when you were left out on a seemingly
Intellectual conversation, or when you felt like a fly, swat, suddenly cut out.
When you were left out on the street walking, or left to write on your pad
Because they were too busy masturbating their intellect.
The most hurtful of all, when you felt like, you lay there open-
But no gaze or touch reassured that one bold move.
So you wonder why, despite all these,
You wag and wait. And play by their rules.

Like a good dog ought to.

Why is it that, you can’t wrap your head on something like,
Maybe I have a point. Maybe I don’t like their single-serving graces,
And perhaps take a stroll and choose another lawn,
To take a dump on.

Throw the dog a bone, fool, for you shower people graces unknown to me, and you light up the world with you quips, your dashing glance, your swagger. Keep the bait deeper, down low-because I have trouble understanding it on higher grounds, this eagerness you have named. Keep the carrot in a distance, because I cannot run too fast, I am bone-weary.

Power struggle daw-who the fuck would think of that? What kind of sick mind would think of it that way?

Feel-good lost

This is intended to put down the uselessness, futility of this exercise I brought upon myself. It’s like having your wings clipped, but can roam the entire world, or like having an alarm on your leg, on house arrest.

Time-outs are the worse kind. It makes you pace about in your sub-conscious.

Academic exercises like these wear me out to the bone. Mind-weary, masticating the meanderings of success in its most superlative. And who would want to pass out on eternal bliss? There is value in waiting, when you realize that it is, after all, a long enough life.

Cos you will grow weary of the climax. Repeat 100,000,000 times.

How are you doing? Thanks for asking.