I still have a year and a half to be lousy. Money stashed in the bank, and with a little bit of show-off swagger, but still pretty much lousy, undesired, uninspired and bored. I'm thinking about what I should be looking forward to next year, and to help me keep some sanity, I will spend enough for myself to go to Baguio once a month. I realise how effectively I have thrown my life away. I am 25 with no major accomplishment to show for, with a bruised ego on top of that. I wonder who I will suck appreciation from in the next years. Family. I have to look forward to something that might resemble the word. It's funny how liberating lowering expectations in life can be. When you have nothing to look forward to, the simple pleasures seem orgasmic. I woke up feeling just that-undetermined. My sister stomped heavily on the tiles, as if to proclaim, hey I'm early, I'm so busy, everyone, look at me! And I was sleeping on the couch, but not for long. I grunted to make her shut the hell up. And it was nine in the morning, and I was still happily snoozing. My mom asks loudly, aren't you going to work? And I say, I AM. As if to say, your pretend-care has no bearing. I stand up, groggy, and brood on the fact that it is hard to view someone in a different way than what you are used to. And I think, what people say no longer matters. Now if I can only look for something fun to do, and fun people to be with, I'd be on my way. Why wait, I mean, I am only growing duller, less beautiful and angrier by the minute. And so I step into the office, shit-faced. Overall unkempt-look. We have lunch in the conference room, and exchange some pleasantries. The newbie talks about getting married, how she'd really want to have kids, and I think, wow how naive can she get? I take interest in other aspects, like how her soon-to-be-hubby is ten years older (she's 26). Ms. Gemma is asked how many kids she has,when she got married. PGH is brought up, and the newbie asks why I did not take up medicine. I said, my sister followed suit. She was the obedient one. Ms. Gemma senses some frustration in the air, and says, as if to comfort me, you just developed other interests. When we return to our desks, she gives me a chocolate bar. And suggests that I try to study in Germany. I thank her. Thank god for mommy-like persons. But I think what is keeping me sane is how I'm looking forward to living with my lesbian aunt in that god-forsaken country. Just to feel some sort of CHANGE.