Amidst the hustle and bustle of never-ending paperwork, I find myself lost in a flurry of feelings, I must admit, most of them coming from the deeper recesses of my gut, some feelings that are just resurfacing but have been gaining momentum. I am grieving, but I cannot explain how it is erratically making itself known. It gushes like the second day at times, but is shy and pitter-patters like the fifth and even sixth day at times as well. There are just some types of music that unlock that emotion, and you can't help but feel like you're in an experimental song dodging the percussions that are coming out of nowhere.

Goal-setting.. sa buhay ko

Hmm kanina, iniisip ko na hindi sapat na may gusto akong pruwebahan sa kapatid ko para magpursigi.. dapat may shiznit punishment and reward system din. If I make good sa year na ito, I promise myself that I will climb a major climb (na hindi ako TL) AT magso-solid na beach for two weeks, aside from the small beach trips na a-arrange ng aking friendlies. That should be a good reward for a grueling year.

two weeks selfish time beach
two weeks hardcore climb
family beach
sama-sama beach
one week dumaguete save-the-marine-animals
one week beach sa negros getting-to know-my-fellow-alumni

Puppy Eyes

Can you fault me for feeling relentless
That I can throw away this pounded heart
Disconnected, yet beating in small yelps
Missing the manic, mimicking the good old days of
Fools. Fools that I yearn for, pools of eternal swimmers

In ecstasy of you, I turn rabid at the sight of you
But I easily slam unto a glass wall of tasted bitterness
Tested bitterness. My rationality did not keep its alarm
And I paw for you, in hopes that leaving an imprint
Ignites anything, indulges, excites even
You for the puppy I'm trying to be.

Last night I felt that I was in my suspended mode again. After drinking 2 stallions, the inner horse in me started galloping, and the feeling of having difficulty taking your pants off just before slumber reminded of the endless days I battled with apparel. Or having to answer to your mom with brief syllables like "o" to say "oo", or the lazier version "M". It's all good though, but I must admit that I have been drinking heavily these past few days, and I guess it's because of all the hard-hitting news that's being shoved into my throat.

It's funny how I used to think that I am a perpetual slacker because no one in the world was ever that encouraging. But it seems as if god took note of this, as those who should be the ones I supposedly trust are those that have actually betrayed me and have fueled my desire.

Graduation

It has been a long time since I decided to scribble again, and I don't know if that time apart has done me good, because like certain relationships, leaving and becoming too cold makes the connection break and having barely enough to hold on to. The band Stars reminds me of cherished moments with my favorite things, those times when femininity and innocence blended into the perfect mix of lofty happiness. I used to think that something was perpetually wrong with me, but it is in these days that I realize that I am the perfect result of women's moral disorder. I should be hating myself right now, and initially, I have. But the feeling enveloping me is how the world might have to accept that only a revolution against the condition will lessen sad, sad, offspring.

It seems like cosmo makes sense

Desire and that petty nudge I get from feeling webbed
The go or stay flux, that never-ending swimming in hot or cold
Leaving me for tepid, not even warm, not even at all
That static in the air has blown up into mold, that stuffy old
Mold, those that befriend dust bunnies, dust men at the peak of isolation