I must be in love with myself as I close one door, open the other

Just had coffee with my family, and I am still head-hurting because of the things that I have to do. I miss being outrightly verbose but unthinking. I am not a person of intellect, and I would rather give in to feeling more than anything else. Here I am again, in the twilight zone, loving every minute of it. I will miss this place because I will have to let go of it sooner than imagined. My body is weary but my spirit is playful. My mind is alert but in a rut.

Wrecking my nerves for something that I fear
Dread, dread, here it comes again, like my
Consistent messing of my clothes neatly
Stacked up,
Fucked up.
I thirst for that batting of the eyelash
That clink of the glass
That unscheduled caress

Maybe next time.

Here's to us

Sa mga pagkakataon na gusto mo makahanap ng maliit na bagay na pagkasiyahan, bigla nalang mapupuno ng kemikal utak mo at babalik ka nanaman sa square one. Medyo lumilipad ako kahit ang dami-daming kailangan gawin. Eto nanaman ako na walang mahawakan. Parang buhay ko nalang ay magcross-out ng bagay-bagay at mag-troubleshoot ng mga pagkakamali. Kailangan ko mag-aral nagyon pero hindi na ata muna ako bibigay sa kastressan na ayun. Nakakatuwa nagtext si Sir Jonas na despidida for Sir Ian! Yay makikita ko ulit AC TAEK!!!

Compromised

I'm just so tired of not being able to appreciate blank paper. I'm tired of filling out the silence. I'm tired of riding the highway to something that can be at the very least considered "worthy" in the future. I cannot breathe in these moments, and I am feeling less of myself these days. I miss having fire burn in my belly, and having that fire radiate that people can't help but desire me. I have emotionally prepared myself not to expect anything this year, but at the same time add some spice to the relationship I should have been nurturing in the first place-my relationship with myself.

A Mix of Sun and Cloud

I should be waking up really fucking early tomorrow, and I guess it's good that I will be doing so. I am feeling the itch of reading up again, and I hate that it that I do not have cash to entertain this whim. I am so middle right now I can puke. The question is, how to tattle without being on the hit list. I want to stay in a cafe tomorrow and vomit something good, lest I end up consumed again. I will have to plant something that I can look back on. I feel the buzz, but I fizzle out completely.

Underwater Cinematographer

Nakakaadik tong Underwater Cinematographer na album ng The Most Serene Republic. Shit medyo naguguluhan ako sa gagawin ko after college, tamang nostalgia lang binibigay sa akin ng mga kanta dito, kasi parang naalala ko na gusto ko talaga tumungo sa dagat. Pero hindi ko mapiglasan yung pangangailangan na matuwa sa akin ang mundo. Sabi ng nanay ko kagabi na lagi ko daw iniisip yung gusto ng iba na hindi ko nabibigyang panahon tingnan yung gusto ko talaga. Tapos kagabi minail na ako ni Sir Leland kung ano na gusto ko gawin after college. The reality is sinking in. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko sumali ng mga projects on the environment pero gusto ko talaga makapasok ng UNDP. Sabi ni Tita Rencee, magmasters daw muna ako tapos magdirect application sa UN. Shemay. Kakapalan ko na mukha ko. Kailangan ko din bumitaw sa mga ibang bagay para mahanap talaga sarili ko. Ang tagal ko na ito pinag-iisipan pero hindi ko mahanap sarili ko. Yung alam ko lang na sigurado ay hindi ko ata hiwalayin ang dagat at ang mga gagawin ko sa buhay.

Summer dust bunnies