I should just buy myself a fat burger and get my hair cut and buy expensive shoes and get that moleskine planner. If that won't help, I don't know what will.
***
There's something about excellence and me that can't get along fine these weeks, months, years. And yes, everything is fine. But everything is not fine ENOUGH. Certain people do not understand that, like my boss, who told me one time, "Wala ka naman dapat problemahin sa buhay mo, Mon eh."
Yeah, I can work drone-like, go to malls, date, and shit. But there's something miserably wrong with my state of mind that I can't put a finger on.
***
I'm not trying to get people to analyze me. I just want to get OUT.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
I was asked if I ever tried to be emotionally strong. I paused and thought about the what kind of strength I have consistently been trying to exude these past years. Because I felt like an emotionally strong person, only I can't put a finger as to what kind.
Looking into the worlds I dip myself into, I have been patient with the rants and raves, and have been hiking with my sister's medical journey. I have been ra-ra-ing her into finishing, comforting my parents when they feel that they have not done enough, I have advised my dad to take it easy on my sister. I have put all my small "me-s" aside, knowing that it is not as important as having the eldest become a doctor.
I have tried to level up my relationship with my mom. Woman-to-woman. I tell her how there is something left for her to do. I try to make her listen and tend to her garden of desire. I try to make her ride the guiltless train. I try to tell her, "It's okay. The world forgives you."
I have also tried to be a supportive friend. Only, there are just some circles that I cannot afford. So I do the nest best thing, retain individual friendships. I try to be as loyal as possible. Fierce with friendship, that's me.
And with all the seemingly real or possibly fake "loves", I have tried to inspire. Even if I don't admit that I have enough ember to fuel my own fire, I share. I share my own hopes and dreams hoping to fuel some fire. I try to motivate. I try to fan whatever it is they have going on. But more often than not it turns into limbo. And I feel crazy again, as if I have to greedily grab those coals and return them into my own oven.
And so when I am asked, if I have been emotionally strong, I give a mental "fuck you" in my head. And I pack my bags and mentally go on a hike, a strike, a backpacking trip to the Himalayas of my mind. And I wait for the stirring of actualizing GOING AWAY. I wait until the time is right, until I have less to lose. Until the mental "fuck you-s" have started to exponentially give birth.
Or until I see a delicious piece of distraction.
There is no imposition or coercion, I just like to flagellate myself this way.
Looking into the worlds I dip myself into, I have been patient with the rants and raves, and have been hiking with my sister's medical journey. I have been ra-ra-ing her into finishing, comforting my parents when they feel that they have not done enough, I have advised my dad to take it easy on my sister. I have put all my small "me-s" aside, knowing that it is not as important as having the eldest become a doctor.
I have tried to level up my relationship with my mom. Woman-to-woman. I tell her how there is something left for her to do. I try to make her listen and tend to her garden of desire. I try to make her ride the guiltless train. I try to tell her, "It's okay. The world forgives you."
I have also tried to be a supportive friend. Only, there are just some circles that I cannot afford. So I do the nest best thing, retain individual friendships. I try to be as loyal as possible. Fierce with friendship, that's me.
And with all the seemingly real or possibly fake "loves", I have tried to inspire. Even if I don't admit that I have enough ember to fuel my own fire, I share. I share my own hopes and dreams hoping to fuel some fire. I try to motivate. I try to fan whatever it is they have going on. But more often than not it turns into limbo. And I feel crazy again, as if I have to greedily grab those coals and return them into my own oven.
And so when I am asked, if I have been emotionally strong, I give a mental "fuck you" in my head. And I pack my bags and mentally go on a hike, a strike, a backpacking trip to the Himalayas of my mind. And I wait for the stirring of actualizing GOING AWAY. I wait until the time is right, until I have less to lose. Until the mental "fuck you-s" have started to exponentially give birth.
Or until I see a delicious piece of distraction.
There is no imposition or coercion, I just like to flagellate myself this way.
Monday, September 19, 2011
My fellow coconut trees usually greeted me, flailing their arms for acknowledgement
To-day, as I sulk past them, I feel their breath on my neck as they bend backwards
Offering their consoles, their sympathy, their pats-on-the-back
I sit on the sand with my head on my knees, rocking back and forth
The sand’s playful self would usually pounce on me
To-day, it is collected, offering its massive presence for me to lie on
As I sit upright again, I cry, I bleed
The sea has never been this comforting as it rushes to me
As if for years, saltiness has found its mate in my tears
I thank them and let go, I let the sea take me
To-day, as I sulk past them, I feel their breath on my neck as they bend backwards
Offering their consoles, their sympathy, their pats-on-the-back
I sit on the sand with my head on my knees, rocking back and forth
The sand’s playful self would usually pounce on me
To-day, it is collected, offering its massive presence for me to lie on
As I sit upright again, I cry, I bleed
The sea has never been this comforting as it rushes to me
As if for years, saltiness has found its mate in my tears
I thank them and let go, I let the sea take me
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