bu

wow i thought i had things figured out. used to tell myself that at least i invested in someting my sister could not-relationships. turns out she's headed in a brighter direction, and i am just that dog waiting for a bone. dreamnt of how dysfunctional it was before this, but how emotionally-rewarding. what can i say, i think it has to do with my mother insticnt, which has gone haywire for so long. needless to say, there is nothing left to paint on this canvass, you have managed to paint everything. don't really understand how i am ablt to conjure feelings of comfort while sleeping, set in a very possible situation. maybe it was the "needing" feeling.
this is just like that course you despise. time to hop into another bandwagon. this has given me insomnia, busted lungs and drooping eyes for too long. i wish i had the guts to just go out with dart and his friend this weekend, knowing how i'll just be wishing i went.

Got me thinking when he said, ay nako noh, swerte sya. Might be true, after all. Not much pondering done over it because I have always put the bright quality up on top of the list, on a pedestal that it was eating me up, or rather, the admiration started chomping on my own.

And then I thought about other qualities that I possessed. I aim to please. And that got me thinking while I was comforting myself. How, in all those quick times, was I not able to feel comfort? Is it something deprived of the state I am in? I mean how hard was it to feel soothed in a sweltering day? Got me thinking about whether I was premature in this sense as well. Oh god, I'm 25 years old. Calling out on the cosmos to help.

So many things to work on, so little time. Maybe there are things that aren't so bad, but aren't worth pursuing.

Hay Monica. Give yourself some credit.

Spending the whole day at home is as difficult as pretending to be busy at work. You have to trick yourself into thinking that everything is fine, and that everything can be and will be normalized according to one's/another's expectations.

I just received the TOR for the research assistant job from an LSIG-WB project. The outputs were basically highlighted, and per output that I finish, I get 20,000 in return. That would be okay, I guess, if they did not require me to travel or to be there most of the time.

Not quite sure what 2012 will be like. As far as my EQ is running, it has set up minimal expectation for the year. Not much expectations on climbing or getting a higher level of scuba diving experience. Just want to survive the year, and get used to normalcy. I want to get used to the feeling of being okay with the present.

I just wish, though, that I make up my mind regarding trying out for a degree anywhere else but here. But I still have hang-ups on getting that two-year straight job experience. No one will make me rich but myself. I should keep that mantra and remember its implications on the everyday.

Spending the day at home makes me feel like I have nothing to prove. Which is a good feeling, although I shouldn't get used to it too much.

I wish I were passionate about something. Hope to spend some passionate time with an activity soon. As in soon.

2012

The year 2011 has been quite tiring, especially because I tried to cut off some relationships. So for this coming year, I think I will most likely think twice about doing that (god help me).

I was only able to climb two mountains last year. This coming year, I would like to climb more mountains. Maybe I'll join at least two training climbs, and train for the induction climb. I'm thinking that I should climb most of the training climbs this year, para qumuota lang.

I am keen on travelling more, but it raises the question of how to save for further studies. Then again, even if I wanted to go for it this coming August, I am lacking around four hundred thousand pesos, not counting the one hundred fifty thousand pesos needed for our planned euro trip.

So the question is, how to effectively gain more "academic qualifications" in the two years that I will allow myself to work, learn and earn. Maybe a professional certificate can do it for me in the meantime.

So here I am now, excited to multi-task. I hope that god grants me a less crazies this year, so I can tick-off those goals.

I still have a year and a half to be lousy. Money stashed in the bank, and with a little bit of show-off swagger, but still pretty much lousy, undesired, uninspired and bored. I'm thinking about what I should be looking forward to next year, and to help me keep some sanity, I will spend enough for myself to go to Baguio once a month. I realise how effectively I have thrown my life away. I am 25 with no major accomplishment to show for, with a bruised ego on top of that. I wonder who I will suck appreciation from in the next years. Family. I have to look forward to something that might resemble the word. It's funny how liberating lowering expectations in life can be. When you have nothing to look forward to, the simple pleasures seem orgasmic. I woke up feeling just that-undetermined. My sister stomped heavily on the tiles, as if to proclaim, hey I'm early, I'm so busy, everyone, look at me! And I was sleeping on the couch, but not for long. I grunted to make her shut the hell up. And it was nine in the morning, and I was still happily snoozing. My mom asks loudly, aren't you going to work? And I say, I AM. As if to say, your pretend-care has no bearing. I stand up, groggy, and brood on the fact that it is hard to view someone in a different way than what you are used to. And I think, what people say no longer matters. Now if I can only look for something fun to do, and fun people to be with, I'd be on my way. Why wait, I mean, I am only growing duller, less beautiful and angrier by the minute. And so I step into the office, shit-faced. Overall unkempt-look. We have lunch in the conference room, and exchange some pleasantries. The newbie talks about getting married, how she'd really want to have kids, and I think, wow how naive can she get? I take interest in other aspects, like how her soon-to-be-hubby is ten years older (she's 26). Ms. Gemma is asked how many kids she has,when she got married. PGH is brought up, and the newbie asks why I did not take up medicine. I said, my sister followed suit. She was the obedient one. Ms. Gemma senses some frustration in the air, and says, as if to comfort me, you just developed other interests. When we return to our desks, she gives me a chocolate bar. And suggests that I try to study in Germany. I thank her. Thank god for mommy-like persons. But I think what is keeping me sane is how I'm looking forward to living with my lesbian aunt in that god-forsaken country. Just to feel some sort of CHANGE.

Spoke to mom about retirement. Realized how little savings they have, and how foolish I am for talking about the NEED to study outside the country. I'm beginning to realize what a blessing it is to be kept in the project, just because I have enough means to look forward to a bright future. Trying to internalize how I should begin to ween myself away from incurring more costs to be paid by my dad. I'm going to have this line cut so I don't always rely on my mobile phone for connectivity. I mean, if Dana can do it, why the hell can't I? Also reflecting on the need to become my own person. I'm sure that growing up in this age for my parents meant that they had to deal with the fact that they would have to wing it, it, as in everything, pretty soon. Not in the mood for so much emotions, romantic notions, free thoughts today. Feel real grounded. Scared for my parents' sake. What if someone's health conks out? I mean, it happened last year, and it was dead serious. Singapore and Southeast Asia is enough to contribute to some form of happiness that will get me through the year. Methinks entering NEDA in 2013 is a wise choice because it will passively spring me towards the development career of choice. May not be an academic person, corporate person, but at least I get to experience development issues. Volunteering for one year is also an option, only because it will somehow make me want to work for the next years. Because I foresee that life in NEDA will never be truly development-oriented for me because it will never be grassroots enough. Maybe my philanthropic self will have to wait.

I should just buy myself a fat burger and get my hair cut and buy expensive shoes and get that moleskine planner. If that won't help, I don't know what will.

***

There's something about excellence and me that can't get along fine these weeks, months, years. And yes, everything is fine. But everything is not fine ENOUGH. Certain people do not understand that, like my boss, who told me one time, "Wala ka naman dapat problemahin sa buhay mo, Mon eh."
Yeah, I can work drone-like, go to malls, date, and shit. But there's something miserably wrong with my state of mind that I can't put a finger on.

***

I'm not trying to get people to analyze me. I just want to get OUT.